Get Out of My Garden II

Scott Brown

2010-01-20T17:30:00.002-04:00

I think I need to say something about the election of Scott Brown because if I don't write how I feel, I keep it all bottled up inside, so here it goes: No, the election of Scott Brown isn't the end of the world. It might not mean the end of the Health Care movement, and it doesn't mean the start of another Republican tyranny. Republicans are still outnumbered. What the election of Scott Brown does do, however, is send a frustrating, disappointing, saddening, and belittling message to millions of Americans who are still fighting for the same rights and freedoms their heterosexual neighbors enjoy. It sends the message that most of America is more concerned with their bank accounts than they are with the rights of all of its tax-paying citizens. Gay marriage and gay rights, and minority rights in general were forgotten during the campaign for Ted Kennedy's senate seat in Massachusetts.

People in Massachusetts will say that they voted for Scott Brown because of his fiscal responsibility and his economic smarts, and that that type of candidate is what we need to get us out of the economic mess we are in, which is all fine; I've never really had a problem with fiscal conservatives (aside from their pretty apparent lack of sympathy for other human beings, but separate issue), because they tend not to bang on about the Bible and God and all that useless, adult fairy-tale, sky pixie shit. I even used to support fiscal conservatives. The Mitt Romneys, the Scott Browns, the (formerly) John McCains I actually supported at one time. But the problem I see with MA having elected Scott Brown over Martha Coakley is that the American public just doesn't give a shit about what should be first on their political priorities list: the civil rights of all human beings. The economy can wait; our citizens should come first, but MA has shown what is true of most of the country: Americans don't really give a shit about anything else other than the cash they stuff into their pockets. Fuck gay rights, women's rights, minority rights, is what MA said yesterday.

Forget all of the arguments that are happening in Massachusetts and across the country about healthcare and communists and socialists and the evil, communist Obama supporters vs. the win-one-for-Jesus Republicans, and all the arguments about the economy and how to go about fixing it, and about the pathetic state of your average Joe the Plumber's bank account. Shouldn't all of this self-indulgent wankery be quickly set aside in favor of the most important and devastating problem facing The United States: the fact that millions of its citizens still don't have equal protection and equal rights under United States law? Electing Scott Brown has done nothing to solve this problem. Electing to the United States senate a man who says proudly that marriage is between a man and a woman only, and who has the balls to say that the rights and liberties of a stifled, stomped-over, and forgotten minority should be left to the hands of the majority in a popular vote does not do anything to protect the tax-paying minority of gays, lesbians and bisexuals whose rights are slowly eroding away in 45 out of 50 states in America. Only in Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, Iowa, and New Hampshire do gays and lesbians have full and equal protection under the laws of their states. In the rest of the states in the country we see instead attempts to lessen the rights of gays and lesbians. There are attempts at passing laws that limit the rights of gays and lesbians. Laws which tell them that they are not full citizens and therefore will not enjoy the same marriage rights as the rest of the nation, and laws which unconstitutional as dictated by the Constitution of the United States. And in Scott Brown's case, leaving the rights and liberties of millions of people who are a part of a minority to a majority vote is totally illogical, and he and everyone else in the nation knows that. Minority rights being left up to a popular vote will never work.

For Scott Brown to say that the matter of gay rights is a states issue is absolutely fucking ridiculous, selfish, and arrogant. If civil rights for blacks in the 1960s had been left to the states to decide, do we really think Obama would be our current president? It took The Civil Rights Act in 1964 to force states to comply with the banning of racial segregation. It took The Civil Rights Act to invalidate the Jim Crows laws, laws which were put into place by individual states. It took a sweeping, federal action to guarantee civil rights for a minority group. It's no different for gays and lesbians and their rights as tax paying citizens in America. And yet the most liberal state in the entire country elected a Republican into the bluest seat in the Senate: Ted Kennedy's former seat. Why? Because people were bored by Martha Coakley? Because Martha Coakley was an idiot during her campaign, underestimating the wrath of Boston sports fans? Please. Martha Coakley lost because America, and more specially, Massachusetts, is more concerned with the current status of their bank accounts instead of the current status of the rights of their neighbors, friends, and fellow citizens. When I was walking away from Franklin High School after I voted yesterday, a Scott Brown supporter yelled to other Brown supporters, "That's right! Let's hope they get the message!" Yes, Brown supporters, I get your message: money is far more important to and your country than the rights, liberties, and happiness of a group of millions of Americans who still don't enjoy the same rights and freedoms that you do.

Turning up the music and pretending the noises in the hallway are background noises in "Taking the Farm" or "Shine a Light"

2008-07-16T21:54:00.003-04:00

Wolf Parade says, "And I'm content, I'm content, I'm content to be quiet/ Some will sink and some will get called to the light." I'm sitting in my bed, quiet, in my room, and my parents are fighting about where my Dad put his inhaler. He can't find it. My mother says he needs to be more responsible with his medication, and he needs to put it away when he is done with it. That is, he shouldn't leave it in the kids room, in their drawer, on top of their desk, etc. My father yells back that he needs his inhaler, or he can't breathe at night. And besides, where is he going to put it? "In a fucking safe?" Etc, etc. The wailing in the background of "Taking the Farm" can't be distinguished from the wailing outside my bedroom door, so I'm quiet, content.

When I am cleaning out the grease traps at work, or emptying the friolators through the fry-filter, I still get comments that I am not smiling, or that I don't look happy. Why do I need to have a smile on my face when I am covered in grease, and while I am filtering that, if handled irresponsibly, could give me third degree burns on my arms? Those too are occasions for smiling and chipper conversations?

A vicodin inspired rambling

2008-07-16T00:27:00.002-04:00

On my bike ride today I saw a real estate sign in front of a house on the top of a hill, under power lines, that said: "For Sale: 21 Acres." I shook my head in disgust, and thought, "great, a soccer mom and her robot husband and 2 robot, zombie children with penciled in schedules on the refrigerator are going to buy it, not use the 21 acres, because they think they need a sprawling yard in sprawling suburbs. What a waste," because I've been thinking lately that our sprawling suburbs idea has not been the best long term plan. Anyways, after I shook my head in disgust, I shook my head in disgust again, because I realized I too would want 21 acres of land. But why? What would I do with 21 acres of land? Do I need that much land? Does anyone, besides farmers, need 21 acres of land? If we don't need it, why do we buy it? Why do we buy anything we don't need? Why do we buy anything?

Randy Travis is on David Letterman right now singing a song from his new album. He's sold 21 million albums and I've never heard of him. Do people from other countries listen to country music?

You know our hearts beat time they're waiting for something that'll never arrive

2008-07-15T13:41:00.002-04:00

Franklin smelled like a stogy last week. I don't know why. Driving through the center of town, past Devitas, I smelled a stogy, and thought it was coming from the psuedo-Italian men working at Deviats at 10:30 at night, mopping up the deli floor, but when I stopped at the stop lights in front of St. Mary's church, I still smelled stogies.

I'm riding my bike. Sometimes I get migraines afterwards, sometimes I don't. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I've conducted so many experiments on myself while riding. I have an appointment August 5 with a neurologist. This neurologist is supposed to be really good. The office sent me a packet of information about migraines, neurology, etc, and a packet of information about my migraines that I need to fill out before arriving on August 5, and I have to bring a copy of my MRI. At the other neurologist I went to, I didn't have to do any of that. I think I got the ghetto migraine treatment.

I want to know what people are thinking when they leave their Dunkin Donuts iced coffee cups on the side of the roads. I've been keeping track on every ride. While I am riding my bike, I see medium sized ice coffee cups sitting inside the white lines on streets. They have remnants of cream and sugar, tinted with a little bit of coffee sitting at the bottom of the cup, tilted, spilling over onto the white line, or into a pothole. There are more Dunkin Donuts iced coffee cups on the side of the road than any other kind of litter. In fact, I bet there are more Dunkin Donuts iced coffee cups than old condom wrappers, empty bottles of water, McDonald's cheeseburger wrappers, and empty soda bottles combined. The side of the road is not a trash barrel.

I haven't updated in a while, and I am going to bitch and whine and complain and look for sympathy

2008-06-17T13:30:00.004-04:00

I haven't updated this blog in a while. I've been having a frustrating summer so far, and all of the frustration is a direct result of my migraines.

A month ago I realized that my post-exercise migraines were coming back after being absent for a year. I thought that maybe they were returning because of other circumstances: maybe I was dehydrated, fatigued, maybe I hadn't eaten enough before exercising. But the more I exercised, the more I realized I was getting a regular migraine that has no obvious cause whatsoever. Great. Same position I was in last winter and spring.

Last winter and spring I went to Milford to see a neurologist, Dr. Pearson. She said that a medication, Topamax, commonly used as an anti-seizure medication, has also recently been used in the few rare cases of migraine patients getting migraines for no obvious reason after exercise. So I started taking Topamax, and hey! the post-exercise migraines stopped immediately. Now, however, they are back, and they are back with a vengeance.

It makes sense. Prescribing me Topamax was like putting one of those tiny little circular Scooby-Doo bandaids on a gaping, profusely bleeding wound that requires immediate surgery and blood transfusions: it stopped my pain for a little while, but there is some bigger, more horrible and serious issue lurking deeper within my body that is causing me to be in excruciating pain and agony every time I attempt to exercise.

To complicate my whole migraine affair even more, any pain medication I was taking to alleviate the pain from the migraines has also stopped working. I can't take Imitrex because that was giving me cardiovascular problems, and Tylenol and Advil no longer work. I would have to take 10 Tylenol or 15 Advil for my brain to feel even the slightest cessation in pain. Excedrin migraine sometimes works, I think because of the caffeine that is in it, but it will dull the pain for about 3o minutes. After that, the migraine is back in full force. My doctor also prescribed some other pain medications specific to migraines, and those did even less than Tylenol or Advil. So I decided I would try a Vicodin. A friend of mine gets migraines frequently, and she takes Vicodin, and she says it gets rid of her migraines, so I figured I would try it. Anything to stop the pain.

I took Vicodin one day after I had my post-exercise migraine, and the pain stopped. It was GONE. ALL the pain in my head was GONE. The only medication to have done that before was Imitrex, but that caused so many other complications that I had to stop taking it. Vicodin got rid of my migraines. But after taking Vicodin whenever I got a migraine, which, without exercise, was at least once a week, my tolerance for the medication started to build. Now I have to take 3 Vicodin to get rid of a migraine. I've developed a nasty little habit according to my mother, but what am I supposed to do when I am in excruciating pain?

I also want to know why more research has not been done on migraines. All of the neurologist I've seen have bitched about the lack of research on migraines. The ones who have done the little research there is neurologists who are migraine sufferers themselves.

I have an appointment to see a new neurologist on August 4. Until then, Vicodin is the only thing I can take to get rid of my migraines. I can't really exercise. The only exercise I do now is walking. I'd rather be out of shape for a while than be in excruciating pain all the time. It would be nice, though, if this new doctor could find the reason why I get these migraines after I exercise, instead of giving me a bandaid to put over a more serious and complicated problem.

So what else is going on in my life? I've been trying to read a lot. Today all attempts at reading have failed, though, because, what a surprise, I feel a migraine coming on. This one hasn't even been triggered by anything I can think of, either.

I've been working a lot at Papa Gino's.

I've come to accept that I have no long term plans, no career goals other than getting out of the food service industry by the time I am 30 and becoming an English teacher, and I am ok with that now. I don't need direction in my life, and I don't want it. And it's nice finally to accept that my career (or lack thereof) and my grades should not have any affect on my self-worth.

There's my monthly emo-post.

summer goals

2008-05-07T22:49:00.002-04:00

1. Complete my summer reading list.
2. Lose ten pounds by June 7.
3. Write/extend my Orange Line Construction Worker project.
4. Complete the Conversations project.
5. Let's toss in a few 50 mile rides on my bike.

Numbers 3 and 4 are writing projects I am doing. The Orange Line Construction Worker is a 26 page creative essay I did for a creative non-fiction class. I want to work on it more, extend it, and explore things I wrote it in more fully over the summer. The goal is 60 pages.

I hope I can do all of this. I did well last summer with my goals. I work at Papa Gino's around 30 hours a week, and it wipes me out, and I work out a lot in the summer, so the summer always goes by so fast!

2008-05-07T17:01:00.000-04:00

When the Elephants Dance- Tess Uriza Holthe
Expensive People- Joyce Carol Oates
A Garden of Earthly Delights- Joyce Carol
OatesSong of Solomon- Toni Morrison
A Portait of the Artist as a Young Man- James Joyce
Chance- Joseph Conrad
The City and the Pilar- Gore Vidal (I've already read it, but I want to read it again)
It- Stephen King (I might not actually get to this one. It's fucking long)
Ulysses- James Joyce (same with this one. I have a feeling I am going to have to pick either It or Ulysses, but not both)
The Picture of Dorian Gray- Oscar Wilde
Nobody Writes to the Colonel- Garcia Marquez (I've read it in Spanish, so it's time to read it in English!)
Stone Butch Blues- Leslie Feinberg (It was on the syllabus for my gay and lesbian lit class last semester but we didn't have time to read it so now I want to read it)
The Blind Assasin- Margaret Atwood (I have owned this book forever and every time I start it I can't get past the first few pages! I want to read it!!!)
Water For Elephants-Sara Gruen (the sign on the big bug in Providence told me to read it so I am going to)
The Chronicles of Narnia -C.S. Lewis

calorie counting

2008-04-15T11:53:00.001-04:00

So as a part of this new diet I've gone off bagels. I have completely stopped eating bagels (for a certain period of time) to get the whole bagel thing out of my system, because let's face it, eating a bagel for breakfast every morning is actually fairly unhealthy. You get the bagel, which is like 400 calories, then cream cheese, which is like 200 calories. Pretty intense. And the crazy part is that I would eat this breakfast, which is a 500-600 calorie breakfast, and then I would be hungry again an hour later because it's empty calories. There's no substance to it. It's just carbs. Now I've been eating yogurt with cereal mixed in it, so I get protein, a few carbs, and a little bit of fat (like 3g) all under 300 calories, AND I don't feel hungry until around 12 if I eat at 7:30. If I ate a bagel at 7:30 I'd be hungry again at 8:30. Eventually I'll eat a bagel here and there, cuz bagels can be AWESOME sometimes, but for now, not so much. Especially since they have helped in the gaining of 12-13 pounds since the summer :( :(

I'm trying to be as efficient as possible with calories too now that I am riding my bike again, because I hate getting fatigued on the bike or hitting a wall. I really have to make sure I eat enough protein, fat and carbs. I can't go no carb, or no protein, or especially no fat. I tried cutting back on fat last year and that did not work out. If I am cycling, I must eat some fat SOMETIMES.

Life is so complicated.

Really, I'm not in my bedroom slitting my wrists, I swear!

2008-04-09T21:02:00.000-04:00

For my entire life I have been taught that since I have had the potential and the brains to do well in school, that I need to make school my entire life, and that I need to make school the path by which I reach my career. I have also been taught that once I have my career figured out, and once I have a career in mind, I have my life figured out, I have solved who I am and what I want to do with my life.

Life and career are two different words.

Life (n.) 1. the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.

2. the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual

Career (n.) 1. an occupation or profession, esp. one requiring special training, followed as one's lifework

2. success in a profession, occupation, etc.

A career is a subheading in one’s life. It is not the main title. It is a sidebar. An indentation. Even if you decide that you are going to make your career your entire “life” (and keep in mind, when you say your entire “life,” you mean only after a certain point, only after you have made the decision to make your career your entire “life” (think of this as a linear timeline)), you cannot escape that it is still a subheading, and not the main title. When you were born, you were not “Dan, English teacher.” You were a squirmy, wet, dripping little baby with nothing attached to you anymore. You were out of your mother’s womb and thus not attached to her no longer, and perhaps your parents had not even named you yet. You existed. You were life. You career came later, and thus it is not the main title of your life. It may be the first subheading of your life, but it is not the main title.

That said, why do our guidance counselors, our parents, our grandparents, our peers, our teachers all insist that “career” is the main title of everyone’s life?

In kindergarten, the first step on the path to your career, your teachers have career days. You can bring your parents into school so they can tell your peers about their careers, how they got there, and why they love it. The association begins: school=career; life=career; school=life=career. They are all synonymous, and yet you are 4 or 5 years old. Your teacher then teaches you “stay in school if you want to get a good paying job.” School=career. If you don’t have a good paying job, or a normal job, or the job that the parents of your peers have, you are unsucessful. School=life=career. These three words are all synonymous at the age of five. FIVE!

And so you graduate on to 1^st grade, then to 2^nd, and then to 3^rd, working to pass each grade thinking that your schooling is also your career, and without it, you don’t have a career, and thus without school, you also don’t have a life, because your career is synonymous with your life.

In the 3^rd grade, however, you probably have not decided “what you want to be when you grow up” (remember that phrase?). Once you graduate on into high school, and you sit down with your guidance counselors, and you decide “what you want to be when you grow up,” you can put a period at the end of that sentence. You’ve figured out your life. You are all set. Your guidance counselor can move to his next 15 minute appointment.

So you graduate on to college knowing that you have your entire life figured out, and you have your entire life ahead of you SOLVED! AHA.

Only, you don’t work 168 hours a week (the number of hours in a week). What are you supposed to do with the rest of the time you have off? Even if you have an 80 hour a week job, there are still 88 hours a week left. But most people are content with a 40-50 hour a week job. So that leaves over 120 hours a week! What do you like to do in your spare time?

I am only writing this because the pressure that is placed on children and high school students to define their lives at such a young age is so harmful, and so ridiculous. If someone is the type of person in high school who does know exactly what he wants to do with his career, that means he is that one specific type of person, and yes, that may work very well for him to set a goal for his career, and to work towards that, and to work and work and work towards that. But, there are 6.5 billion people in this world. There is not only one singular type of person. The world would be a far less interesting place if there were only one type of human being. We are all different, but school puts us into little boxes that are all the same size, and are all designed to carry the same weight, and are sent off to the same destination: career (and please, note that career is different from job (or a means to support yourself and to eat)).

It is only now, my third year of college, that I am realizing that, even though I have a career in mind (English teacher) I DON’T know what I want to do with my life, and that is something that is so hard for some people to understand. I say, “I don’t know what I want to do with my life,” and they respond, “I thought you wanted to be an English teacher?” (again, life=career). They are not the same thing. And I don’t know what I want to do with my life, and that is ok, but to realize that when I am 21 years old, after years and years and years of people telling me that I do in fact know what I want to do with my life since I have a career chosen, is very troubling.

So now the question is: what do I want to do? (AND DON’T SAY ENGLISH TEACHER).

I don’t know. I only have vague ideas.

Vague ideas like: I want to drink beer on summer nights outside. I want to ride my bike. I want to buy a beagle and name him Maurice. I want to wear flip flops. I want to have sex on Saturday afternoons. I want to live near the ocean. I want to write. I want to read. I want to drink tea. I want to drink black coffee. I want to wake up early and sit in my backyard. I want to walk around barefoot.

They are vague ideas, but they seem like pretty good ideas, no? And imagine, after all the years I have been in school (let’s see, since I was 4, so that 17 years!) I have never really sat down with myself and thought these things out until now. That is a shame. The things we do while we are living define our lives. And I don’t care what you say, you cannot possibly work 168 hours a week, so you must be doing other things, and if you’ve never thought about those, or don’t care about those, I feel sorry.

2008-04-02T22:10:00.001-04:00

My cousin's Catholic high school is giving him a graded test on why homosexuality is wrong.

Y Tu Mama Tambien

2008-03-26T08:55:00.000-04:00

I watched a movie the other night. It made me think. If I found out I had cancer, and I knew I was going to die in a month, what will I have left behind? Will I be happy with what I've done and experienced?

I want to go here:

(Bolivia)

And I want to go here:

(Santa Cruz, Bolivia)

I also want to go to Alaska, California, Nepal, France, England, and Germany. And I want to do it before I am 30. And I want to write about it, for me.

I also want to move somewhere outside of New England. But where? And when? When will I travel? Will I travel by myself? Would it be better for me to travel by myself?

When can I do all of this? I also need to get a teaching job right away out of school and start paying off my student loans. I get so stressed out about these things, and I know I shouldn't.

I just don't want to be that person who always says, "I'm going to do this, and this, and this, and that!" but never does any of it, and instead goes through the same dance every day of work, some necessary socializing with other humans, and sleep. I don't want to be that person, but I have been that person so far.

In the movie Little Miss Sunshine, one of the characters, Dwayne, says towards the end of the movie, "You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest. "

Life is one (fucking) beauty contest after another. Where is the time to do what you love, or to do SOMETHING else? You have to make time, and when you make time, people label you as a "slacker," or "irresponsible," or a "dreamer," or "silly," or as "living in his/her own fantasy land" (or something like that, you know what I mean). People think I don't live in the "real world," whatever the "real world" is, like I am somehow living in an alternate universe.

Well, I'm not living in an alternate universe. I just hate that I'm stuck doing some stupid dance, or going through one beauty contest after another, when I shouldn't be wasting my time with that. I should be doing other things, but instead I write about it in a blog, or in a notebook, and then close the notebook, and go back to work, back to the same dance, the same beauty contest. Once I graduate, fuck it, I'm taking a road trip somewhere, and everybody can suck it.

Spring break work

2008-03-20T21:33:00.002-04:00

I have so much work I've been doing this spring break, but I am actually getting a lot of it done!

For spring break I have to:
-(re)read The Awakening
-Read 7 critical essays written about The Awakening
-Read When I Was Puerto Rican (memoir)
-Read Madame Bovary
-Read The Warden
-Read 3 essays in literary theory
-Summarize the 3 essays on literary theory
-Write 2 pages of writing project, do memo sheet
-Write 15 pages of writing project for WMS 490 (its a 30 page project)
-Research for Madame Bovary presentation

The things in bold are the things I've done so far. So all the big things are out of the way. Now I just have to finish the rest! Yay for spring breaks to get caught up on work.

bicycle

2008-03-14T14:16:00.003-04:00

I am on my spring break! And I am starting it off by doing what I love to do most! Riding my bicycle!

2008-03-12T17:52:00.000-04:00

Spring break is almost here!!! I can't wait to workout all week and drink tea and read!!!

2008-03-11T15:39:00.003-04:00

I am so fucking tired. Is it 10:00 yet? Is it? Is it? I want to go to bed. Spring break, please come quickly. I know I will be using you only to catch up on work, but still, I can sleep and wake whenever I feel like it. Bah! And I can make jasmine tea all day while I do work! This sucks.

Seriously

2008-03-10T22:30:00.002-04:00

Seriously, my life sucks this week. UGH. Class 8-5 tomorrow, then work 5-10, then on Wednesday I have to write a 6 page paper, and I have no idea what I am going to write about. Great.

Veins

2008-03-05T13:11:00.001-04:00

I am feeling so completely unmotivated the past three days. It’s horrible. I wanted to get up at 7 this morning, but that didn’t happen. I suppose getting 3 hours of sleep the night before, and then having to go to class 8-5, then work 5-10 didn’t help that. By the time I got to bed last night (around 11), I was exhausted. So I slept until 9, got up, took a shower, watched tv, then came here to the library, where I am doing nothing but updating my blog, drinking coffee, and reading messageboards. I have to go to work at 1. Sucks. After work I have to study for my philosophy exam. Also sucks. I have to be able to articulate fully the “brain in a vat” problem for the exam. I have a lot of trouble articulating myself with philosophy, which I guess IS one of the essential problems of philosophy. If you can’t articulate yourself, you’re not much of a philosopher now, are you?

I have this vein that runs across the top of my temple on the right side of my head, and whenever I get a migraine or get really stressed out, this vein pops out and I can run my finger across it and feel it. This vein used to pop out only when I had a migraine or was extremely stressed. Lately, however, the vein has been perpetually visible on the side of my head. That is how this semester is going.

I think the girl sitting next to me is on coke. She is tweaking out and is always looking around behind her, acting all paranoid. Cocaine is bad, mmkay?

more thoughts on creativity and why it sucks

2008-03-04T00:21:00.003-04:00

School completely and totally sucks every ounce of creativity out of my body. I cannot possibly be creative, invest myself in creativity, live creativity, be creativity, if I am constantly trying to get by in academia. My thoughts right now are only on the epistemology exam I have to take Thursday, and when I am going to find time to study for that. And when am I going to find time to read (again) The Awakening and Mary Barton? Perhaps I should not have pissed my entire Monday away by trying to write something creative (for a class even, but nonetheless, I am investing WAY too much time and creative energy into it). Every night I am left lying in bed, planning my next day, planning when I can read such and such chapter, such and such book, and write such and such literary analysis paper. Sometimes I just want to move to some unknown city (unknown as it, I have never been to it before) and put all my time into working (obviously, so I can eat) and being creative, and writing. Sometimes I realize I can do that HERE while working, but not until I've graduated. Ugh. It's such a mess. It's a sad day when one realizes and fully understands how much energy and time it takes to be "creative." I can't just set aside an hour a day for "creativity" as though I were setting aside an hour a day for exercise, or reading. It's a full time commitment, like having a child, which, actually, is probably why when so many women artists or musicians have children, a huge change in their work is very noticeable (see Tori Amos, Sylvia Plath). Sigh. I want to graduate badly. School has never been my strong area because of reasons like this.

Paper Daughter

2008-02-25T15:59:00.002-04:00

Do not waste your time reading the rubbish that is the memoir Paper Daughter by M. Elaine Mar. First, most people should know that I think memoirs are shit to begin with.

Second: this memoir especially is SHIT. M. Elaine Mar, why the fuck do I want to listen to you complain to me for 292 fucking pages about how difficult your life has been because you are Chinese? Do you think I care? Do you think no one else has had it difficult? And moreover, did you ever stop to think that maybe your woes are not the fault of the United States, but the fault of your incredibly stupid parents as described in your shitty "book"?

Third: grow a pair of balls, M. Elaine Mar, and write fiction. Memoir writers are fiction writers without balls. Grow a pair and write a memorable, significant piece of fiction. Instead of telling the readers what the restaurant in your memoir represented, grow a pair of balls, write fiction, and make the restaurant symbolic of some bigger concept that you could have tackled through writing fiction, but instead pussy-footed around in your little, nice nice memoir.

Fourth: in case you didn't know, M. Elaine Mar, but Toni Morrison already did the "I'm a minority trying to live up to the white, blonde hair, blue eyes, Shirley Temple, American ideal" thing. It's called The Bluest Eye. Read it. It's a good novel.

Fifth: learn how to write. No reader enjoys whining, complaining, self-loathing. For example, on page 79, you write, "I was sick of being ugly and stupid and hated." Awww, sorry, M. Elaine Mar.

Sixth: on that same note, I don't know if you talk to other human beings about childhood, or if you thought it would be wise to do so before you decided to dedicate 292 pages to writing about childhood, but in case you didn't know, most people do in fact find childhood difficult. It's not just you! I was picked on too in elementary school. And middle school. It is nothing new, nothing special. Instead of telling the world for 292 pages about what it's like to be picked on as a kid, an experience that most people know about anyways, grow a set of balls and write something significant about childhood (ie, write fiction).

Seventh: your memoir explores nothing interesting or new. Every child has faced the issues you discuss in your memoir. To make these issues interesting and/or symbolic, you could have grown a pair of balls and written fiction, and created a piece of art that reaches out to the entire world, but no, instead you wrote a memoir, focusing only on yourself. Poor, poor you.

Ok I am done with my rant. That, people, is why I refuse to accept the memoir as a art form with any credibility.

50 words!?

2008-02-15T14:03:00.000-04:00

So my writing teacher told us to pick a scholarly article and to do a "textual analysis." She said to start our "textual analysis" by summarizing the article in 50 words. 50 words? 50 words!? My first sentence (ONE sentence!) is 53 words. I hate obligatory writing classes. I hate this. My first sentence was, "In her article “Be(e)ing and ‘Truth:’ Tar Baby’s Signifying on Sylvia Plath’s Bee Poems,” Malin Walther Pereira asserts her claim that a critical reading Sylvia Plath’s Bee Poem sequence (a sequence consisting of five poems) through Tony Morrison’s ant colony metaphor in her novel Tar Baby shows Plath’s limited, white perspective on feminism." Do I really need to take a writing class with freshmen? PC said I didn't have to, but apparently at URI even English majors can't write.

Cold Weather

2008-02-15T10:40:00.001-04:00

Ever notice the difference between the different types of cold weather?

Reductio Ad Absurdum

2008-02-14T18:44:00.002-04:00

I haven’t updated in a wicked long time. I started classes. They’re going well. The usual blah blah blah. I’m enjoying my reading. Speaking of reading, I have to read Benito Cereno tonight, and then start Jane Eyre tomorrow. I also have to start Paper Daughter tomorrow. So much reading!

I like the writing I do for my advanced writing class, but I don’t like the class. I’m not going to say it’s “too happy” for me, because I don’t want to sound like a completely miserable person, but, well, it’s too happy. In this class, everyone is a winner. Everyone’s writing is wonderful, and everyone’s writing is a winner. I hate it, because it’s just not true. And I am not saying that to be stuck up because I think my writing is better than everyone else’s. I am saying that because when I read a piece of my writing out loud to the 11 other students in the class, I want feedback! I’m mad because I know my writing sucks! If my writing didn’t suck, I’d be a published author selling books at Barnes and Noble. But I’m not a published author selling books at Barnes an Noble, so my writing sucks! (my philosophy teacher would cream her pants over that deductive argument I just used in my journal entry!) Moreover, I want negative feedback so I know what to improve in my writing! In this class, when we read out loud to the class, the rest of the class is not allowed to respond or comment, because the teacher said, “I don’t want anyone responding or commenting, because if someone or some people respond more to one person’s writing and not as much to another’s, I don’t want that other person to feel like her writing is left out, or not as good.” I’m not in kindergarten anymore. I can handle criticism, and I can handle it when someone doesn’t like my writing. In fact, I really, really, really want to know when someone has a problem with something I wrote! I write (and all writer’s write) for an audience, whether the writer acknowledges it or not. Therefore, if the intended audience doesn’t understand what I am saying, or has ideas as to what I can improve, I definitely want to know! I am taking a writing class to improve my writing, not to have everyone hold my hand and say, “aww isn’t that nice?” Ok, that rant is done now.

I’m gonna order myself a pizza tonight, eat it, then pass the fuck out because I am so tired! I worked two shifts at Bagelz yesterday, then wrote a 5 page paper, then read half of a novel. I also went to class Tuesday 8-5 non-stop, then worked 5-10 Tuesday night, and went to class today 8-5. Fuckers!

writing, creativity, and ice scrapers in the back seats of cars that are more significant and useful than those airport novels

2008-01-22T14:27:00.000-04:00

I move back to Rhode Island tomorrow for the semester. Well, actually I am going back to RI for about a day, going to work in RI tomorrow, then going to class 8-5 on Thursday, then leaving at 5 on Thursday to come home, then going to Boston either Thursday night or Friday to visit my Jonathan for the weekend. I am really looking forward to going to Boston this weekend to see him. Spending time with him is always fun, and we're going to go ice skating, go out for tea (which we always do), and DRINK. I love it.

Anyways, I went off on a tangent. I'm moving back to Rhode Island tomorrow. This semester I am going to try to organize group rides with the cycling club. The cycling club there is kind of dormant so I want to revive it.

I'm also taking creative writing class. Well, it's sort of creative writing class. It's its weird own little class. It's a 400 level writing class in the women's studies department, but it's taught by a fiction writer, so it's a fiction writing class. Anyhow, I'll have to stay deep in the creative process this semester in order to do well in the class. I need to take the class to take my writing and my creative process to the next level, and I haven't done that in so long. It's just such a drain to go all out and write. I can't just write fun little poems here and there for fun. It's either going to be everything or nothing. Lately (as in the past few years) it's been nothing. It's just not the time to write. And instead of driving myself towards insanity about it the way Plath did for example, I'll just accept it. It's not the time to write. Maybe now it is, since something told me to take this class this semester. But I have to stop beating myself up over not having written anything significant the past two or three years. It's not writer's block. There is no such thing as "writer's block." People who suffer from "writer's block" write suspense novels or romance novels thrown away in airports or left to get dirty and wet on the backseat floor of cars. They get torn up every time you throw your ice scraper down next to them, or stained every time you toss that styrofoam white, orange and purple Dunkin' Donuts coffee cup next to them . They're just as insignificant as the authors who wrote them. And if that sounds condescending and elitist, then, yea, it is.

So will I write anything of significance this semester? Will I finally submit something to a literary magazine? A poetry contest? Will I invest myself in my writing the way I did in high school? If I don't, why not? Am I lazy, or is it just not the right time? Will the right time show itself eventually? Do I have to move away somewhere to be able to write? What is it?

2008-01-14T01:46:00.000-04:00

Hi. I am so tired. I've just finished working 32 hours in 3 days, and I have to go to a funeral early tomorrow morning, and it's late now, which means I won't be getting much sleep tonight. It's shitty, but I guess it could be worse.

We're supposed to get a lot of snow tomorrow, and apparently a lot of schools have already canceled for tomorrow. So that means when I get home from the funeral and whatever else we have to do tomorrow, I am coming home and passing out in a nice warm bed while I watch the snow fall outside. I love it.

2008-01-09T19:08:00.000-04:00

I'm mad at my parents. If they don't stop bitching at each other, I am going to kick them. When I am older and married, I'll never raise my voice to my husband, and if he raises his voice to me, I'll kick him.

Anyways, I went for a bike ride yesterday. I hit a wall, BIG TIME! I got to the biggest climb of the ride, and right before I started the climb, my legs just like, stopped. I couldn't pedal anymore. I had to stop for a minute, have some water, and try to figure out wtf to do. I ended up finishing the ride and completing the climb, but god damn. I have never hit a wall like that before. I think I miscalculated how much I needed to eat the two days before the ride. The 11 hour closing shift at work followed by the 7 hour closing shift definitely didn't help either. I need to remember: when going on long rides, don't do so after closing shifts! My legs can't take that kind of abuse. Well they can, but I don't get as much out of my ride as I could if I were riding healthy.

I did some yoga today.

So far since the new year, I've lost 2lbs. I weigh myself at the same time every morning. 2lbs! My goal is 7, so I have 5 more to go. I want to get to 125 by the spring for my riding.

Drake and Josh is the dumbest show I've ever seen.

I've decided to vote for Hillary instead of Barack.

My new clothes that I bought are AWESOME. I look hot.

People I do not enjoy

2008-01-07T23:45:00.000-04:00

Tony Romo- He was spotted this weekend in Mexico vacationing with Jessica Simpson. He has the biggest game of his career to prepare for, and he's vacationing in Cancun? Not very professional, Tony. Likewise, where was Tom Brady spotted? Oh yea, in the weight room. Getting ready. For another big game. When Tony Romo's blubber left over from his little siesta in Mexico is hanging over his belt and dragging him down next week when he's trying to get away from the Giants defense, maybe he'll wish he took notes from the man he wants to be. You don't take a weekend off when you have the playoffs and potentially the Superbowl, the biggest game in football, to prepare for. It's arrogant. It's like Floyd Landis being spotted eating at an In-N-Out while he was training for the Tour de France, the biggest bike race in the world. It's arrogant, and it had an obvious affect on Floyd's performance. Maybe he would not have blown up and cracked on that stage that nearly cost him the Tour, or even finishing in the top 10! And maybe he would not have been caught shooting testosterone into his ass. Ah well.

Roger Clemens- He too should take notes from someone else. Lance Armstrong. Roger: it is not beneficial to your case to be an asshole ala Barry Bonds while trying to defend yourself against cheating for your entire career. Lance faces the same accusations every single day, and he's been doing so since he won his first Tour in 1999, and yea, on the bike Lance is an arrogant ass, but that's how he competes. To the public and everyone else, he isn't an asshole. Get a grip, Roger. And grow up. Aww someone doesn't like you? Cry me a river.

Ok, I had to vent.

Morning Kitchen Floor

2007-12-28T12:14:00.000-04:00

Christmas is over. I had a good Christmas this year. I got a new bike helmet from Santa. It's gorgeous. I also got new bike pedals from Santa. They match my bike. The ones on my bike now are icky and old and gross. These are cool. They're Look pedals. I can't wait to get back out on my bike. I miss it so much :( I think I'll start riding in February as long as the temperature stays above 40 degrees. I can tolerate weather above 40. If it's below 40 I'd rather just stay indoors. Actually, i just checked and it's 42 right now. Maybe I'll start riding sooner. We'll see. I'm not waiting until April to ride though.

I got a ton of books for Christmas that I need to read now. I am currently working on Brother Odd by Dean Koontz, but I didn't get that one for Christmas this year. My next book to read will be Lolita I think. Then Red Dragon, then maybe a Joyce Carol Oates book. Ahhh so many books to read! So little time. Next semester is approaching quickly, and I will not be able to read for fun until the summer :(

Jonathan also got me a gorgeous, gorgeous necklace. It's so beautiful. I want to wear it all the time, but it's so delicate and fragile I am afraid I will break it!

After speaking with someone about how I should start publishing my poetry, I received an email from the English department asking for poetry submissions from English majors for a new literary magazine the English department will be publishing at the end of the spring semester, called The Independent Scribe. I am going to submit a couple of poems, I think. Perhaps even one in Latin. I have one poem in a rough draft-type format that I want to finish. Maybe that one will be sent off for publication. It's called Morning Kitchen Floor. It needs a lot of work, but it has a lot of potential. Sigh.

Is there anything else happening in my life? I'm working at Papa Gino's again over Christmas break. My first shift back was on Wednesday. It was really weird. It reminded me of the summer when I was riding every day, then going to work, or riding one day, and working all day the next, trying to make myself no so scatterbrained. Also, my work pants are small for me! Over the summer, when I was riding my bike almost daily, my pants were big. Now that I have my winter blubber, they are too small! So I am therefore working out every day now. Speaking of which, I need to go workout in about 1o minutes.

2007-12-22T19:18:00.001-04:00

I saw Santa today. He drove down my street.

Christmas is almost here.

2007-12-21T10:18:00.000-04:00

1. Will you have a boyfriend/girlfriend this christmas?
Yes.

2. Have you been naughty or nice this year?
Nice, I think.

3. What is the most expensive thing on your christmas list
New bike pedals because the ones I have on there now are about 15 years old. The new pedals I want are Look pedals and they are $146 and they are red and silver and match my bike!!!

4. What do you want this year?
I want to have a nice, relaxing, semi-drunken Christmas with my family. And I want books.

5. Do you still believe in santa ?
Hell yea. I remember living in Hyde Park, and we (we being my sister Allyson and I because we shared a room) had a skylight window above our two beds, and I used to try to stay awake on Christmas Eve to see Santa's sleigh and reindeer land on the roof, and I used to think that the clanking of the heat moving through the pipes was Santa's sleigh landing on the roof.

6. Which is your favorite reindeer?
I guess Rudolph is.

7.Big tree or small tree ?
Big.

8. What do you leave for santa?
Cookies for Santa and a carrot for his reindeer.

9. Do you get a lot of presents?
Not really. Usually books and DVDs.

10. What is your favorite christmas movie ?
A Christmas Story!

11. What is your favorite christmas song ?
I hate Christmas songs. Actually, I loathe Christmas songs. Christmas songs can suck it.

12. Red, Green, or White lights?
White.

13. What is your christmas wish?
Snow.

14. How many days left until christmas?
3!!!!

15. How will you spend christmas?
At home, with my family and Jonathan.

16. Do you still wake up early on christmas morning?
Yep, because I have a 6 year old sister and an 8 year old sister who still believe in Santa.

17. Do you still get presents from santa?
Yeppers.

18. Any christmas traditions?
We always decorate the house/tree the day after Thanksgiving. Umm, we have a "Christmas calendar." It has a mouse in it and we move the mouse every day it gets closer to Christmas. We get drunk. My mom has been making cinnamon buns every Christmas morning since I was like 2 after we open presents under the tree. I think that's it for Christmas traditions.

19.How was last christmas?
Average, I think.

20. Is your house decorated?
A bit yes.

21. Do you get all dressed up ?
Sometimes.

22. Have you gone to any christmas parties this year ?
No. I was supposed to, but it fell through. I am going to a Christmas party tonight.

23. Favortie christmas memory?
Hmmmmmm. I am not sure. I have a lot of favorite Christmas memories.

24.When i say christmas what is the first thing that comes to mind?
Green and red. Christmas trees.

25.Ever get your heart broken on christmas day?
I don't believe so.

2007-12-12T00:58:00.001-04:00

1. Where were you at 2:02 AM this morning?
Asleep in my bed, cuddling with my blankets, which I am also about to do now.

2. What was the first thing you thought this morning?
Shit. I have essays to write.

3. Is the person you like older or younger than you?
The person I like? I like a lot of people! Well, that's a lie. Most people anger me. There are a few people whom I like.

4. What did you do last night?
Worked on a paper.

5.what are your plans for the weekend?
VERMONT! WITH JONATHAN! Cuz he's the best ever and surprised me with the trip!

6. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?
I hope so.

7. What are you listening to?
Friends (on TV).

8. Have you ever told someone of the same sex you loved them and meant it?
Yes, but not romantically.

9. How's your heart lately?
My heart? Trying to relax.

10. What were you doing at 7 AM?
Sleeping.

12. Are there any previous relationships you wish could have lasted longer?
I guess you could say yes.

13. What was the reason you last cried?
You don't want to know. Either that, or I don't want to say.

15. What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
American Gangster.

16. How did you meet the 3rd person on your myspace?
I met her when she shot out of my mother's uterus in a bloody mess.

17. How old is he/she?
17.

18. Have you ever driven without a license?
Yep.

31. Do you drink tea?
Every day.

32. When was the last time you saw a cop?
I don't know?

33. Did you ride in someone else's car today?
Yes.

34. Do you wet the toothbrush before the toothpaste?
Yes. That is a necessity.

35. Does someone like you?
I hope so.

36. What do you like on your toast?
Butter.

37. Where do you like to keep your money?
A bank?

38. Do you watch the news daily?
I read the news daily.

40. Do you like to press the coin return button on everything for free money?
Not really.

42. Do you clean when you’re upset?
No. If I am upset I cry. Then I watch tv. If it's during the summer, I'll ride my bike.

43. Where do you want to get married?
Anywhere but a church. And no cheesy Hall or anything like that. Someplace cool. Maybe outside.

44. What day of the week did/will your birthday fall on this year?
SUPERBOWL SUNDAY BITCHES!

45. Are you wearing socks?
Barefoot as of right now.

46. Would you ever dye your hair blonde?
No. I don't like to look fake.

47. Did you wear clip on/stick on earrings as a child?
No.

48. Have you ever seen “Walk the Line”?
No. Random question.

19. Do you still get Easter baskets?
Yep.

50. When was the last time it snowed?
Here? Last week.

51. Are puddles the best part about rain?
No. Puddles are the worst part about rain. The lack of sunshine is the best part of rain. And the drops of water dripping off trees.

52. What’s the closest pink thing to you?
A Scooby Doo coloring book. Wait, no. My pants, lol.

53. Do you have plans for tonight?
Bed. Cuddling with my blankets. With lots of blankets. Lots and lots and lots of blankets.

54. Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
No.

55. Do you know anybody named Eric?
Yes.

56. Are your nails painted?
Yes.

60. Can you sing all the RENT songs by heart?
No.

62. Red or green apples?
Green apples with peanut butter.

63. Do you know anyone who’s pregnant?
I don't think so.

64. Can you make brownies without having to look at the directions?
Um no. I messed up making Jello once, and I was looking at the directions.

65. Do you like juicy fruit gum?
No.

66. Are crayons better than colored pencils?
No.

67. Do you have hairspray in your hair?
No.

68. Where are you?
Living room.

70. Have you brushed your teeth yet today?
Yes.

72. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?
Sometimes.

73. What are you seriously wearing?
A pair of pink and white pajama pants, a Red Sox tshirt, and a Moosehead Lake sweatshirt.

75. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night?
Occasionally.

77. Could you live without a computer?
I supposed.

78. Is anyone on your bad side right now?
Most of the human race is on my bad side right now, but it's not worth it to care.

79. What jewelry are you wearing?
A necklace.

80. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
Sometimes when my mom watches it. Other than that, no, I do not, because it is the worst fucking show I have ever seen in my entire fucking life. I'd rather let killer ants slowly kill me day after day for a month while I am locked in a cold, dark, wet closet, naked, with no food, and while lying on a bed of nails than watch that show again.

81. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
A lot, but I don't wear all of them. I don't feel like counting them.

82. Have you ever been to Georgia?
No. I don't plan on visiting Georgia. I'd rather let killer ants slowly kill me day after day for a month while I am locked in a cold, dark, wet closet, naked, with no food, and while lying on a bed of nails than visit Georgia. Wait, what?

83. Do you watch movies with your parents?
Sometimes.

84. Do you go online every day?
Pretty much.

2007-12-08T11:39:00.000-04:00

Hi. I think it's safe to post this in here now. Today we are having a surprise birthday party for my aunt Elaine's 50th birthday. It's fun. We all think she knows already but whatevs. It's gonna be fun. I am gonna be drunk. Jonathan is coming over too. Wheeee!

Vermont in less than a week!

Something else I found while digging through my old journal, and I had to post it!!!

2007-12-04T13:56:00.000-04:00

Signs and Symptoms of Inner Peace:

1. Tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fear based on past experiences

2. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment

3. Loss of interest in judging other people

4. Loss of interest in judging self

5. Loss of interest in interpretating actions of others

6. Loss of interest in conflict

7. Loss of ability to worry (a very serious symptom)

8. Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation

9. Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature

10. Frequent attacks of smiling through the eyes from the heart

11. Increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen

12. Increased susceptibility to let things happen rather than make them happen

If you have all or even most of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition may be too far advanced to turn back. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting several of these symptoms, remain exposed at your own risk. This condition of Inner Peace is likely well into its infectious stage. Be forewarned.

"My kid always asks me questions I don't know the answers to. Like for example, 'Dad, if homosexuals don't reproduce, why are there so many of them?'"

2007-12-04T12:37:00.000-04:00

I was reading some of my old journal entries in my deadjournal this morning. I found one entry that I kind of remember writing. I think I am going to use it for my writing class next year. It's one of those gems that you write down and save because you might not be able to use it as soon as you write it, but you know it's going to come in handy some day. Well, over 2 years after I wrote it, it's going to come in handy. The beauty of writing. I love writing.

Here's the entry, from Wednesday, August 10, 2005, posted at 10:26 pm.

To ease that sense of loss, the sense of betrayal, the disbelief and the anger, the love and the resentment, the inability to decide if I regretted everything I did, or if I appreciated what I did because it changed me and led me in a direction that could benefit me in the long run, to slow the thoughts that never stopped coming into my head, the memories, the memories of anger, the memories of feeling like nothing would interrupt my feeling of euphoria, I would have to find something strong enough that would make my brain focus on that, and only that. And not even yoga could allow for that kind of required attention and commitment. Instead it had to be a strong, red travel mug of the strongest coffee I could possibly brew without overdoing it and giving myself a caffeine headache. Making coffee like that was always a challenge I enjoyed, for not only am I normally a tea person, but I suffer from migraines that are unable to be described to anyone else, even those who suffer migraines as I do. If I have too much caffeine, I will get a migraine. If I have no caffeine, I will get a migraine. If I drink too much warm water, I will get a migraine. If I don't eat often enough I will get a migraine. My list could continue for another three pages and extend to more than just food related ailments, but I will spare you the tedious reading.

But nothing is as tedious as having to actually search for something, some act or some food or drink strong enough to make me feel empowered. In the mornings it is tea in front of my computer. In the afternoon it is the strongest coffee I can possibly brew, and in the evenings, it is a glass of red wine and a book, and sitting in my bed and reading. In my books there are people I would like to know in real life. I try to convince myself as I am reading that I can someday be as they are, even if they are the epitome of imperfection. At least they are the epitome of something.

But having to rely on that tea, coffee, and wine on a daily basis to get the thoughts out of my head is almost as frustrating as the thoughts I am trying to repel.

I often wonder why I can't move on from a mistake, or from a bad experience or memory. Why I need to bury my face into a pillow and convince myself that the other person in that memory, mistake is not thinking right now of the mistake I made. Perhaps is not even thinking of me right now if I am lucky. I wish as the coffee pours down my throat, making the muscles connecting my fore arm to my upper arm jittery with the sudden rush of caffeine, that I am never thought about and never contemplated. Things would be easier that way for me, and for those I often hurt, and for those who hurt me.

I would edit that entry, though. There are a few parts that I don't particularly like. Some sentences seem contrived and whining. But that's the entry, and I am going to use it next semester in that writing class. (that 400something level class). That entry still applies to me now, too. That last paragraph is something I still think about every day.

Over Christmas break this year I am going to not work too much at Papa Gino's (I am going to see if they will let me work 2 days a week. If not, I'm not going to work at all. I have enough money saved to pay my rent and not have to work over Christmas break). My mother said if I help out around the house and drive the kids to school every day, she won't kill me for not working. So anyhow, the plan is not to work so much and to get other things done. I have a long list of books I have to read. I also have to write. A lot. A lot a lot.

It's really cold outside now. The past two weeks have been kind of crazy for me. School has been crazy, and I don't know how I feel about it. Going through a mid-life crisis at the age of 20 while I am in college is not the best time to go through one of those crises. It takes away from my school work. But also, while doing some digging in my old journal entries this morning, I found this entry, which is a passage from the novel Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver. It describes what I think about every single day, and every time I sit down to write another essay, or to respond to more questions in the back of a textbook, or to study for another midterm.

"You're not big enough to break my heart. I'm not some schoolgirl, give me a little credit. But I'm not sure I can be like you, either."

"What do you mean, 'like me'?"

"Living with no plans at all. I keep bumping into walls." She rolled onto her back, unable to look at him anymore. "When I moved up here I thought I'd be just like the pheobes and wood thrushes. Concentrate on every day as it came, get through the winter, rejoice in the summer. Eat, sleep, sing hallelujah."

"Eat, sleep, screw, sing hallelujah."

"Well, yeah." She covered her face with both hands and rubbed her eyes. "The birds were getting a lot more action than me. But you know what? Turns out they do have a plan. I'm an outsider, I'm just watching. They're all doing their own little piece of this big, rowdy, thing. Their plan is the persistence of life on earth, and they are working on it, let me tell you."

"You're persisting."

"In a real limited way. When I'm dead, what have I made that stays here? A master's thesis in the U.T. library, which eleven people on the face of the earth have read or ever will."

Why couldn't I have started thinking about these things when I turn 22? Why did they have to start when I was 18 and entering Providence College? Was it something that happened in my life around that first semester when I went to PC that started my thought process on all of this? Why do my thoughts on these things have to interfere with my work? No, I am not talking about love or romance. Those things do not have an effect on my work. Other thoughts. Why, for example, can't we (humans) eat, sleep, screw, sing hallelujah? Why do we do this ridiculous dance? We're animals, after all. Why can't we be content with just living? Is it a part of human nature to strive for more? I don't always strive for more. Most of the time I am content sitting at home and reading a novel. But then again, if humans didn't strive for more, would I even have these novels to read? These great works that I enjoy would not have been produced. So I guess my question is, why all the pressure for every human to produce more, work harder, make it better? Why can't society be content with those who want to eat, sleep, screw, sing hallelujah? Is that such a crime? When it comes down to it, that's what life is. Eating, sleeping, screwing, and singing hallelujah. So who decided that a person who wants to do those things with his or her life is unmotivated, or worthless? Or less than human? I don't understand. Is there some thing in the sky dictating rules every day for us to live by? Why don't birds have rules dictated to them? They live. We don't.

2007-12-03T18:44:00.000-04:00

I am drinking some green and white tea right now. It's very delicious.

Jonathan is the best fucking person EVER. He surprised me with a trip to Vermont for his fraternity's winter formal! We went last year, and it was one of the best weekends I have ever had. Seriously. That weekend went down as the second best weekend of my entire life, so this year's trip can only be better! And he's the best! It was a total surprise! I was not expecting him to go by himself. I had no idea he was planning to go with me. It is exciting. AND it will be the very day after (Friday) I finish ALL my work for the semester. CELEBRATION TIME. Drunk and sexy time, if you ask me.

But, the semester hasn't ended yet, so I have to stay focused! I am off to write a paper now on The Third Man. Then I am going to memorize a poem for my Medieval Lit recitation. Then tomorrow night I am heading home. Wednesday I have to write an 8 page Medieval Lit paper. Thursday morning I will start my Gay and Lesbian lit final paper (has to be 12 pages). I will finish that (hopefully) on Friday because I have all day Friday and all Friday night to finish it. Then Saturday I have something to do but I can't say it here shhhh (you'll find out after Saturday). Then Sunday I have to fucking work 10-5. Then Sunday night I will probably work on finishing up my Gay and Lesbian Lit paper/working on my final Film paper. Then I will write the Frankenstein Film paper, then on Monday morning I will still work on Film. I have to work Monday 1-5. Then Tuesday, Wendesday, and Thursday will be devoted to Russian Lit. Then, I am free. Off to Vermont with me!

sigh

2007-11-28T14:06:00.000-04:00

"'Tell me,' he said, 'what is this thing about time? Why is it better to be late than early? People are always saying, we must wait, we must wait. What are they waiting for?'

'Well,' I said, feeling myself be led by Giovanni into deep and dangerous water, 'I guess people wait in order to make sure of what they feel.'

'In order to make sure!' He turned again to that invisible ally and laughed again. I was beginning, perhaps, to find his phantom a little unnerving, but the sound of his laughter in that airless tunnel was the most incredible sound. 'It’s clear to me that you are a true philosopher. And when you have waited---has this made you sure?'"

<3 James Baldwin
I couldn't fall asleep last night. Perhaps it was because of my escapades.

I love tea. I just got some earl grey tea from Bagelz. I think I am going to start calling it Early Grey tea now though.

So T-mobile/Deutsche Telekom AND Addidas both pulled their sponsorship from the T-mobile cycling team yesterday and today because they don't want their names involved any more in doping scandals. It's becoming ridiculous, this doping issue. First of all, I do not understand why we all act so surprised when it is revealed that someone has been doping. Climbing up a 9,000 ft mountain in France at 20mph after riding 90 miles already that day, and after riding 100 miles every day for the past 10 days, is not normal for a human being in its natural state. Come on, people. So now the former team T-Mobile is called Team High Road. The Jan must be sad.

So I forgot

2007-11-22T23:58:00.000-04:00

So I forgot to do my update about life the other day. I ended up getting a migraine and going to bed. It was upsetting. So since then I have lost my creative inspiration.

Classes are almost over. I can't wait until Christmas break so I can drink tea, read books, and crush the souls of the weak (aka start my training for cycling!).

As for life, life is...eh. Life is tiring me. I need to get back on the bike. It's cold though, so the next best thing is to get into shape for when it's warmer out. This is what I want to wear for the spring and summer!

I'll be pimped out.

Quite possibly the best passage in American literature

2007-11-21T13:25:00.000-04:00

"Before and beside me and all over the room, towering like a wall, were boxes of cardboard and leather, some tied with string, some locked, some bursting, and out of the topmost box before me spilled down sheets of violin music. There was a violin in the room, lying on the table in its wrapped, cracked case---it was impossible to guess from looking at it whether it had been laid to rest there yesterday or a hundred years before. The table was loaded with yellowing newspapers and empty bottles and it held a single brown and wrinkled potato in which even the sprouting eyes were rotten. Red wine had been spilled on the floor; it had been allowed to dry and it made the air in the room sweet and heavy. But it was not the room's disorder which was frightening; it was the fact that when one began searching for the key to this disorder, one realized that it was not to be found in any of the usual places. For this was not a matter of habit or circumstance or temperament; it was a matter of punishment and grief. I do not now how I knew this, but I knew it at once; perhaps I knew it because I wanted to live. And I stared at the room with the same, nervous, calculating extension of the intelligence and of all one's forces which occurs when gauging a mortal and unavoidable danger: at the silent walls of the room with its distant, archaic lovers trapped in an interminable rose garden, and the staring windows, staring like two great eyes of ice and fire, and the ceiling which lowered like those clouds out of which fiends have sometimes spoken and which obscured but failed to soften its malevolence behind the yellow light which hung like a diseased and undefinable sex in its center. Under this blunted arrow, this smashed flower of light lay the terrors which encompassed Giovanni's soul. I understood why Giovanni had wanted me and had brought me to his last retreat. I was to destroy this room and give to Giovanni a new and better life. This could only be my own, which, in order to transform Giovanni's, must first become a part of Giovanni's room."

-James Baldwin, Giovanni's Room

essays

2007-11-20T16:04:00.000-04:00

Hi. It's me. I'm at the library printing an essay I wrote about Anton Chekhov and James Joyce and their stories "The Duel" and "The Dead." It's getting pretty bad that I can pump essays out like I am an essay factory now. I should change my major.

I'll update more tonight about life when I am at home. I want some subway now. Peace.

Books (continued)

2007-11-09T12:19:00.001-04:00

Why don't people understand that some people, like me, like to read? I don't have to go out and party all the time to have fun. I am perfectly happy sitting at home with a cup of tea and a novel. That's why I became an English major. Ever since I was in 2nd grade I would pass on the opportunity (sometimes) to do something with friends so I could stay at home on a Saturday and read a book. When I was in second grade it was to read Goosebumps books. I do things with friends, but I don't have to surround myself with people all the time. I am not dependent on social interaction for my happiness. And I like to read. I enjoy spending time by myself and reading a book, and that's not going to change. Ever.

I spent over an hour in my Film professor's office yesterday discussing everything from film to literature to life to relationships, and we got onto the topic of birth signs (Aquarius and what have you). I guess that is one of my professor's hobbies, and he said that an Aquarius, which is what I am, is her own person and that she'll do what she damn well pleases, and most of the time, what she damn well pleases is something others might not understand. I think that's fairly applicable here.

Books

2007-11-08T09:27:00.000-04:00

My mom called me last night to ask me what I want for Christmas this year from "Santa." I told her I have a list of books that I wanted to get, so that can be my Christmas list. She yelled at me and said "that's not a Christmas present. I'm not getting you that for Christmas. Come up with something else." I said to her, "only in this family would a mother scold her child for wanting books for Christmas."

Jesus Christ

2007-11-07T14:58:00.001-04:00

It's cold out now, and I think the cold weather is here to stay. The other morning I had to wake up at 5 to drive back to Rhode Island. While my father and I were driving down some side road in Woonsocket, we drove by a huge, flat cemetery that had no trees. I remember getting this awesome idea for a poem that connected the cemetery, our driving, the darkness at 5am, the cold, the treeless land and the grass, etc. But I was in such a caffeine and sleep deprived state that I forgot what it was I wanted to write about. That's what happens when you don't write shit down the moment you get the idea. But I have a feeling that even if I had written it down, I wouldn't have had any idea what my notes meant because I was so tired and in such a daze and caffeine deprivation. So anyways, from this experience I've decided to write a poem about THAT. That is, about driving by the cemetery, the cold, the grass, the dark, Woonsocket, and my failure to remember what the hell it was I wanted to write about. I'll have the lost idea of a poem inside a poem.

In other news, I really enjoy it when lyrics to a song sound like they could be poetry. In Brand New's song "Jesus Christ," for example:

Do I divide and fall apart?

Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark,

And the ship went down in sight of land,

And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands.

You can tell by reading those lines that whoever wrote them (I don't know which member of the band wrote the lyrics) carefully chose every word and every word's position, just like a poet. And the sound of line two is great. It's too bad that so many people don't appreciate it, though. They just think "derrr I like dis song, derr I'm gonna drink more beer and listen to this song, derr it's good." Sigh. When I am teaching English to high school students I will play a song like that (or even that song) to my students to show them the relevance of what they're learning. Students become more engaged that way, and I think they would appreciate what they learn a little more if they see that rock bands use the same techniques in their lyrics that poets use in their poetry.

Relaxing on a Tuesday morning before a marathon of classes until 6 tonight, and I stole this from Matt

2007-11-06T09:32:00.000-04:00

1. What was the highlight of your day?
Highlight of today? So far it's my iced hazelnut coffee (black), but I've been awake for a whole 90 minutes.

2. Who's car were you in last?
Do you mean whose? My parents.

3. When is the next time you are going to kiss someone ?
I dunno. Soon, I hope.

4. What color shirt are you wearing?
Black.

5. How long is your hair?
Pretty darn long right now.

6. Last movie you watched?
American Gangster.

7. Last thing you ate?
Oatmeal

8. Last thing you drank?
Coffee

9. Where did you sleep last night?
My bed

10. Are you happy right now?
I suppose. There is a lot going on. I won't understand happiness until a few years from now.

11. What TV show did you watch last?
Roseanne.

12. Where is your phone?
Next to me on the desk.

13. What was the last museum you went to?
Probably the museum of fine arts in Boston with Jonathan

14. What color are your eyes?
Greenish?

15. Who came over last?
I don't know?

16. When was the last time you had your heart broken?
N/a

17. Who/what do you hate/dislike currently?
I hate our country's president. I hate my migraines, because now I have to play catch up this week on all the work I couldn't do last week because of my migraines.

18. What are you listening to?
Humming of computers.

19. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
Sex

20.What is the best smell?
Lilacs in my old backyard in Hyde Park

21. Who makes you laugh the most?
Mary and Allyson. Together.

22. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping.

23. Are you left-handed?
No.

24. What's for dinner tonight?
Tuna fish on wheat bread.

25. What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?
Budlite.

26. When is your birthday?
February 3

27. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Jonathan

28. Where was the last place you went shopping?
I can't remember

29. How do you feel about your hair right now?
It's long.

30. AIM or MSN?
AIM

31. Where does most of your family live?
Massachusetts.

32. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
I have 3 younger sisters.

33. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
Not really. Well, maybe a little. I don't know.

34. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
I want caffeine.

35. Do you drink beer?
Yes.

36. Myspace or Facebook?
Facebook.

37. Do you have T-Mobile?
Yes, and it sucks.

38. What is/was your favorite subject in school?
English. Always English.

39. What type of boy/girl do you usually fall for?
I like guys who look like guys. I don't like pretty boys.

40. Do you have any hidden talents?
Yes.

41. Have you ever been IN a wedding?
No.

42. Do you have any children?
No.

43. Did you take a nap today?
No. I don't nap well. It usually ends with an intense dream and my freaking out.

44. Ever met someone famous?
Yes. Lots of Celtics players, some singers, etc.

45. Do you want to be famous one day?
Not really.

46. Are you multitasking right now?
No.

47. Could you handle being in the military?
No, I'm not a huge fan of killing people. I think it's silly.

48. What is your average cell phone bill a month?
I don't know. I am on a family plan. My portion comes out to $25 a month.

49. Do you believe in Karma?
Of course I do.

50. Ever been to Las Vegas?
Hell no.

51. What are you doing today?
First I have to go to 4 hours of classes: Film, then modern gay and lesbian literature, then medieval literature, then I have no women's studies today because the professor is in California. So I will read from 2-4, then I have Russian literature from 4-7. Then I am going home, making a tuna sandwich, then crawling into bed and sleeping.

52. Have you ever been gambling?
No.

53. Have you been to New York City?
No.

54. Ever been to Disneyland/world?
Nope.

55. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
Marvin Martian is pretty cool.

56. Last thing you cooked?
Oatmeal.

2007-11-05T21:20:00.000-04:00

I want to write :( I'm surrounded by so much art everyday. My literature classes are filled with art. Art with words. And I go to my film class and I see art through film. I listen to artsy music when I write my essays. My essays which are about art. They analyze forms of art in words. But I never have the time to write art, because I am still learning what makes good written art, or at least I am supposed to be.

2007-11-02T23:08:00.000-04:00

I love literature, and I understand that I, like Clive in Maurice, think that someone else other than myself, you reading this for example, simply by reading a passage in a piece of litearture, will suddenly understand something. That the passage is a solution, or, more importantly, a glimpse into my own feelings, and if I tell you to read it, you'll understand. I know that isn't true, though. It wasn't true in Maurice. Maurice didn't understand what Clive was trying to tell him by telling him to read the Symposium. And likewise, why do I expect that any of you will suddenly understand my feelings when I type up these passages from books I read? Do you understand what I am feeling through my typing these passages up? Or am I, like Clive, too lost in literature? I didn't understand how silly it was to try to convey to non-English majors my feelings through literature until my professor, while teaching Maurice to us, said that it is a flaw in Clive's character for him to expect that Maurice will understand simply by reading the Symposium. Does my extended comparison of myself to Clive in this passage show just how silly I am with literature? Probably. But here is a passage from Isherwood's novel A Single Man. Enjoy.

"'I certainly should have,' he agrees smiling and thinking what an absurd and universally accepted bit of nonsense it is that your best friends must necessarily be the ones who understand you. As if there weren't far too much understanding in the world already; above all, that understanding between lovers, celebrated in song and story, which is actually such torture that no two one of them can bear it without frequent separation or fights."

2007-11-02T22:40:00.001-04:00

Want to hear a bitter Leanne? Stay tuned for tomrrow morning's update.

new stuff blah!

2007-10-30T10:32:00.000-04:00

Life has been busy lately. Good, but busy. I have a lot of work to do before the end of the semester, especially if I want to get my GPA back up to one I can think about without weeping. I have to write a ten page paper for Medieval Literature, a ten page paper for Gay and Lesbian literature, an 8 page paper for Russian literature, and I have a 20-30 page annotated bibliography due on November 15 for Gay and Lesbian literature, and a huge “Take Action” project for Women’s Studies that I have to do by December 4^th or 6^th or something. I am going to go back to FHS and study the food they serve in the cafeteria, and I have to do research about other studies done in the country on similar topics. Sucks. So tomorrow I’ll be in my cave in my favorite spot in the library. All day. With a large hazelnut iced coffee from Bagelz. That should last me the entire day.

It’s getting cold here again. I am not being liking the cold, as the Jan would say. Maybe tomorrow when I do my work I’ll get a chai. I haven’t had a chai in a while.

I can’t think of much else to write. When I do work during the semester my creative side goes away. It’s sad :(

Some stuff, and I've been busy lately

2007-10-16T10:01:00.001-04:00

I've been kind of busy. I haven't updated lately. I feel bad. I haven't really had time to sit down and write a nice entry about anything. Today is just some catch up of some things I have been posting on facebook. I made a book list of books I want to read in the next year or so. I have to diversify my reading. Here it goes! (oh and I am constantly updating the list, too, and once I start reading I'll be crossing the books off the list.)

Lolita- Vladimir Nabokov

I read The Price of Salt, and one reviewer stated that he thinks Nabokov used The Price of Salt as a model for Lolita, so now I want to read Lolita. Don’t waste your time reading The Price of Salt, by the way. Highsmith wrote The Talented Mr. Ripley series, and could have done so much more with the characters in The Price of Salt, but the book is sorely lacking.

Clever Girl- Lauren Kessler
About the spy, a woman, who “ushered in the McCarthy era.” Basically responsible for bringing communism to the states. Matt recommended the book, so I am going to read it. It’s different for me. I don’t usually read non-fiction, but I want to read this one.

The Picture of Dorian Gray- Oscar Wilde
This book was a recommended reading for my gay and lesbian literature class, but I thought it was required so I bought it. I bought the Norton critical edition, so I really should read it. It has some fascinating articles in it. And Oscar Wilde. Poor, poor Oscar Wilde :(

Ulysses- James Joyce
I read Dubliners freshman year at Providence College. Loved it. Ulysses is different but I still want to read it.

A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man- James Joyce
Same thing

Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams- Sylvia Plath
This is a book of short stories, diaries and prose that I think was published posthumously, but I could be wrong. Anyways, I’ve read half of it, and the stories are fairly mediocre. There are a few that stand out. But I want to read the rest of it (and I’ll re-read the first half) because The Bell Jar is just so damn amazing, and it’s my favorite book ever <3

Lord Jim- Joseph Conrad
I love Joseph Conrad. Love, love, love him. So much. He writes like such a sweetheart. Yes, he sounds like he swallowed a thesaurus, but his first language was Polish, not English, but he wrote his novels in English. Nostromo will always be one of my favorite novels.

The Sound and the Fury- William Faulkner
STFU. I love William Faulkner. As I Lay Dying is fantastic. Plus I already own the Norton Critical Edition because it was recommended for a class last year but I never actually read it.

Song of Solomon- Toni Morrison
Well, Toni Morrison is the female version of William Faulkner, but of course, since she’s a woman, she doesn’t get the recognition that Faulkner gets. And I love The Bluest Eye, Beloved, Tar Baby, and Sula, so I want to add Song of Solomon to the list.

Bringing Down The House- Ben Mezrich
Jonathan recommended this one to me. Another non-fiction (I think?). I want to diversify my reading :-P

The World Is Flat- Thomas Friedman
Another one Jonathan recommended. And again I think this is non-fiction? I’ll read it though!

*additions*

The City and The Pillar- Gore Vidal
We were supposed to read this book for Gay and Lesbian lit this semester, but the professor took it off the syllabus, but I had bought it already so I want to read it eventually. It seems like a pretty good novel.

A Garden of Earthly Delights- Joyce Carol Oates
I am going to learn more about Joyce Carol Oates, so the next few books will be books by her.

Expensive People- Joyce Carol Oates

them- Joyce Carol Oates
A classic.

Wonderland- Joyce Carol Oates

--------------------

This entry on facebook is called "A Small Message to Customers"

I work at a coffeehouse in Rhode Island called Bagelz. This is just a memo to customers.

1. If I am cranky, it’s probably because of you. Let’s just get that one out of the way.

2. Do not talk on your cell phone while ordering something. If you are in line waiting, and I ask, “may I help you,” is it really that difficult to stop your conversation for a whole 10 seconds to let me know what you want? And is your conversation that important that you need to tell me in .7 seconds so I cannot understand what it is you said because you are so anxious to get back to your conversation about what girl you scored with last night? Why is this such a problem?

3. If you are in a store with music playing, kids screaming, people talking, etc, do you really think that whispering will allow me to hear what you want to order? And when I say “excuse me” or “what” or can you repeat that, don’t you get the hint that I can’t hear you? Or, when I say, “I can’t hear you,” don’t you get the fucking hint that I can’t fucking hear you?

4. If you’re a party of two, and you both want iced coffee, is it difficult to say “two iced coffees” instead of saying “I’ll have an iced coffee,” making me go to the back to make your iced coffee, then when I come back and ask is there anything, you ask for another iced coffee. Why do you do that? Just say two iced coffees you fucking idiot.

5. If you’re a party of 2 or more, do you think I am some memory bank or voice recorder that can remember 19 different things? No, I cannot remember “chicken salad sandwich with swiss cheese, lettuce and onion on an egg bagel; medium chocolate fudge iced coffee, large hot chocolate, turkey sandwich with spicy mustard instead and american cheese instead and just tomatoes, no onions or lettuce on an everything bagel; a medium hot hazelnut, and a bacon egg and cheese on an onion bagel.” I cannot remember all of that at once. Tell me one fucking thing at a time, please.

6. If I ask you a supplemental question as I am making your order, and you don’t pay attention, I am making your decision for you. Sorry. Pay attention if you’re ordering food.

7. Don’t ask me what kind of cream cheese is better. Do I have your taste buds? No, I fucking don’t. I can’t tell you what you think will taste better.

8. Our meats like turkey, ham, roast beef, and lox are all premeasured to a certain number of ounces, and then they are wrapped in plastic for us to use so we always use the same exact amount. Don’t you fucking lie to me and say that the last time you were here the “other girl” put more lox on your fucking Nova Scotia Lox sandwhich, because she fucking didn’t. It’s all measured the same bitch. I know when you’re lying to me.

9. Supplementally, if you tell me that the only reason why you came back was because of our Nova sandwich, and you are disappointed with the sandwich this time around, boofuckinghoo. It’s not my problem. All the sandwiches are made the same. I’ve been working there for over a year. I know we all make them the same way. If you don’t like anything else on our menu, that’s not my problem. Go someplace else.

10. No, I will not scoop out your bagel. If you don’t want carbohydrates, don’t order food at a place called BAGELZ.

11. When you order food, DON’T WALK AWAY. Do you think we are both telephatic and can communicate via the mind? That I can call you back by thought? If you order food, stay at the counter. I am not going to go fetch you if you disappear. If I yell your order out, and you don’t come, I am moving on to someone else.

12. That little, tiny container where we keep packets of cream IS NOT A TRASH BUCKET. First, it says “This is not a trash bucket” on it. Second, that is the smallest trash bucket I have ever seen. Do you have trash buckets that small in your home? Probably not.

13. Do not send your 5 year old in to order food and pay. 5 year olds can’t think.

If I think of more I’ll add more. That’s all for now.

Up goes up and down goes down. I know that now.

2007-10-09T10:11:00.000-04:00

I have been busy lately, which is why I haven't really updated. Busy reading mostly. I like to read. I've also had a couple papers due this week and next week that I've had to finish before this weekend because I am going to Boston this weekend to visit a friend and I don't want to have to write all the papers on Monday night before class Tuesday.

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to stop everything and move away where no one knows who you are? I think that would be awesome. If I'm not married by the time I am 30, or have no obligations here when I am 30, I'll do that and move somewhere and not tell anyone where I am moving to. I'll just go.

What else is new? My hormones are having a fit lately, but that's not really anything new.

Whenever I chew Orbit spearmint gum I crave cigarettes. It's the weirdest thing. Once I spit the gum out, the craving goes away. I've never smoked a cigarette before, so I don't know why I would suddenly crave something I've never had.

Ok a silly entry. I'll update for real later.

Bike ride

2007-09-29T20:16:00.000-04:00

I went out on my bike today. It was amazing. I did 30 miles-ish, so it was a fairly easy/laid back ride. I did one of my old routes that I used to do a lot over the summer, and it was so amazing to do the route with orange and yellow and red leaves on the trees instead of bright and dark green leaves on the trees. Autumn is spectacular. And it was also nice to bike in the sun, but not have the sun be hammering at my back and make me feel like I am riding through Satan's fireplace. That was quite nice. It was a perfect day to ride, and I felt amazing after the ride. I felt like a beast when I got off the bike. Like a sex beast. It was fantastic.

Poems

2007-09-27T14:53:00.000-04:00

I wrote lots of poems this weekend. But I don't want to post them yet. I want to do more work on them. I want them to be perfect, since I haven't written in so long. One of them, which doesn't have a title yet (but will), is a really special poem, and I want it to sound like it's a really special poem.

Little sonnets

2007-09-25T08:51:00.000-04:00

I feel like I should update. I haven't updated in almost a week, but I haven't been doing too much either. I was working on a journal entry yesterday, because I had an idea for a more creative journal entry, but by the time I was able to write it down I lost that little surge of creativity, so I saved what I wrote hoping that I will get that creativity back. I am happy that I wrote down what I did though, because tonight I am going to my aunt's house to babysit my cousins, and I will be spending the night and then spending the day at their house tomorrow for the day to do some work, and I am going to use all tomorrow morning and afternoon only for poetry, and that little piece of a journal entry that I wrote yesterday will be the basis for one of the poems. I'm so excited. I came up with a great line for the poem last night too while I was lying in bed.

Hmm anything else new? I've been trying to be more responsible lately. I've developed a budget so I can save money long-term, and I have a New Laptop Fund :-P When I graduate I am buying myself a Mac, so I am putting a little money away every week now so when I graduate I will already have the money saved for it. I am about 1/20 of the way there! Woohoo!

I have to go to classes today. I kind of don't want to, because I don't feel like hiking all over campus. I have to go to the Multicultural Center, then up to Independence, then over to the Engineering lecture hall for my women's studies lecture, then back to Independence. Blah. Maybe I will write a poem in my women's studies lecture. It's really the only thing that keeps me sane during those lectures. Otherwise I can't take it. It drives me nuts. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for feminism, but women's studies is The Worst Class Ever. Never, ever take it. Especially at URI. I feel like I am in preschool again. When I am in that lecture I'm reminded of that chapter in The Bell Jar when Esther takes the Chemistry class for credit but doesn't have to take any of the tests, so she sits up in the last row and writes sonnets, pretending that she's writing notes, and the teacher looks up and smiles at her, thinking she's a diligent student taking copious notes, but she's actually writing little sonnets.

Black coffee and a cold, foggy morning. I love life sometimes.

2007-09-19T09:55:00.001-04:00

Ok well the two weeks and two days bit is over. It was fun. I still don't have internet, but I also don't have a computer because my computer decided it was going to have a nuclear meltdown one night when I tried to play Civilization IV. So now I have to call Dell to see what the deal is.

I have missed blogging in my regular blog though. This is a fun blog. I feel more free and open in this blog.

Anyhow, yesterday in my women’s studies lecture I wrote a poem about women’s studies, and I guess about women and college in general. It’s a really, really neat poem, but it’s not finished yet. I have most of it done but I want to go back and change a few words here and there. I am so excited though because it’s such a cool poem. Also, while I was in my Medieval literature class I wrote another poem, but that will take a little longer to finish. I’ve been busy doing school work and working at Bagelz so I haven’t really taken the time to sit down and write, but Friday I am going to make time into my schedule specifically for wirting poetry. So hopefully by Friday night or Saturday afternoon the poems should be online and ready to go? Who knows. Maybe I will post them online as drafts, so I can go back and rework them later again. I want to submit the women’s studies one (which is called “University”) to the poetry contest the English department has here every year. I also want to submit a two part poem I wrote while at the beach with my cousins and yesterday in Medieval Literature. I’m still working with possible titles.

Hmm other than that I’m not sure if much else has been going on in vida de Leanne. I have a lot of work to do this weekend, surprise. So that will be my Friday and Saturday. Then Sunday night. Then Monday morning and probably Monday night at the library.

Friday night I want to go to the calzone place and get myself a nice, big fat calzone and eat it while I read or do some work at my place, relaxing after a long day of doing work. I know, can’t you see my life is so exciting? I’m taking a short time out from the party-let’s get so shitfaced that we can’t stand up scene though. That is rather tiresome. I just want some Leanne time. This is a Leanne semester, and I am loving it.

from my women's studies class, an example of older thinking

2007-09-12T08:42:00.000-04:00

“We understand that it is and has been traditional that the man is the head of the house. He is the leader of the house/nation because his knowledge of the world is broader, his awareness is greater, his understanding is fuller and his application of this information is wiser….After all, it is only reasonable that the man be the head of the house because he is able to defend and protect that development of his home….Women cannot do the same things as men---they are made by nature to function differently. Equality of men and women is something that cannot happen even in the abstract world. Men are not equal to other men, i.e. ability, experience or even understanding. The value of men and women can be seen as in the value of gold and silver---they are not equal but both have great value. We must realize that men and women are a complement to each other because there is no house/family without a man and his wife. Both are essential to the development of any life.”

yea

2007-09-05T17:54:00.000-04:00

For the next two weeks I will be updating in the Two Weeks and Two Days journal. Just fyi.

http://leannemm-twoweeksandtwodays.blogspot.com

Internet

2007-09-04T00:02:00.001-04:00

And yes, I realize how wonderfully and fantastically ironic it is that I will be blogging about what it's like not to have the internet. The irony is what makes it so fantastic.

An Experiment

2007-09-03T23:18:00.000-04:00

So tomorrow, when I move into the place on Potter Lane, I will be trying an experiment. No internet access in my room/house. Yep. No internet access at my fingertips. I will go online if I take my laptop to Bagelz or the library or something, but not for long, and I will not have constant access to the world of the interwebs 24/7. I will try this for two weeks and two days and see how it goes. If all goes well, maybe I will try no internet access for one week? I dunno.

But I will be keeping a daily journal about how everything is going, and I will make it a sub-blog of this blog (I'll put the link over to the right hand side of the page). This idea is kind of stolen from an English professor I had last year who told us not to watch tv for two weeks and two days, and to write about it every day, and to see how it changes our daily lives. Well, I don't watch tv much and don't really care if I never watch tv again, so it wasn't that big of a deal for me, so I want to try the internet, since I seem to be rather addicted to having constant access at my fingertips. And I want to keep the daily journal about it to see how much more I get done every day without having constant access to the internet. I know it sounds silly. Writing about not having the internet for two weeks and two days, but you know, a lot of people would have trouble it, myself included. It's amazing how accustomed so many of us have become to having the internet here all the time.

Into Dust

2007-09-03T14:51:00.000-04:00

Why is it that creativty strikes at all the wrong moments? This afternoon I went to Starbucks to get a coffee (the tea place was closed for today), and as I was driving over there, I was listening to the song Into Dust by Ashtar Command (well orginally by Mazzy Star, a fantatsic alt. folk singer), and I was hit with a sudden wave of creativity. So I got my coffee and continued driving so I could think everything out, since I had no place to write anything down, and I decided to drive my favorite bike route through Medway, Millis, Norfolk and Franklin. I wonder, though, why at times I decide not to bring my little pocket notebook with me. I bought it specifically for the purpose of writing down ideas when they strike at odd moments, like today. But there are times when I decide not to bring it with me, because I think that I could not possibly get a creative thought today. But today I did. And I didn't have my notebook on me, so now I have to try to recall right now on my blog, everything, which is impossible. Once those creative thoughts come, they are there, floating, and if you don't snatch them up and write them down, they are gone as quickly as they arrived, and as mysteriously as they arrived, and you will never, ever see those particular creative thoughts again. They leave, and are later replaced by different creative thoughts that also need to be snatched just as quickly, or they too will leave as mysteriously and quickly as they came.

But I digress.

So while I was driving along my favorite bike route, I of course could not help but think of this summer, and the changes I forced myself to go through, and how many of those changes were caused by the bike. First I drove down Pond Street in Franklin, heading towards Medway. Before this summer, that had been an unknown area for me, even though it was literally 2 minutes from my house. I had never really traveled that way, because I never had any need to. But now I know every pebble along that stretch of road. Every bush and plant along the side of the road. A squirrel lives next to an old oak tree right after you cross Partridge Street. I know because I popped my tire there once and had to stop to change it, and I saw the squirrel come out and try to eat my powerbar. I stopped there again the next day and he was there again.

Then I travel under the powerlines, always afraid a snake will come out and cross in front of me. I have no real reason for this fear, but it's there. When I drive up to route 109 there was always a random piece of metal on the side of the road that I would run over every single day I road this route. I could never remember to avoid it. Never. I am very surprised I did not pop my tire with this piece of metal.

As I was driving down route 109 I remembered all the days I had to climb up that hill, and how I started to become friends wtih that hill. I couldn't get mad at it. It's just a hill. And it was there, so I had to climb it to continue, even though the pain was absolutely fucking horrible. I started out by climbing it in the small ring, but by July I was powerhousing up this hill in the big ring, absolutely flying up the hill. And every time I approached the hill, it would say to me, "oh, hello again. I've missed your company." Yes, I've missed yours too. Because it was climbing up hills like that one where I realized that I can control myself. I can control my body. And when I am in pain, I can make my mind forget about it and keep going. I learned where to refocus my energy when I am angry or in pain. I learned that I could refocus my energy when I am angry or in pain. And when I was on these hills, I could unleash all of my anger onto my pedals. Every single particle of anger inside my body would come flying out of my feet and onto my pedals, and I would smash my way up the hill, driven only by anger. I would use the anger to hold my shoulders and upper body over the front of my bike, over my handle bars, and I would jump up out of the saddle on the last quarter of the climb, and I could not shake the anger out of my body fast enough. Then, on the descent, I was relaxed, calmed, controlled. I had taken the anger, used it, and left it behind. I could control it now.

I am trying now to recall which cyclist it was who said, "you cannot be a happy person and be a cyclist," because it is definitely true. (maybe it was David Millar who said that? I can't remember. I think I recently read it in an issue of ProCycling. Or maybe it was Dave Zabriskie, although he doesn't seem like a terribly unhappy person). You cannot get any pleasure out of climbing a big fucking hill like that if you have no anger. And I mean real anger. Not anger that comes from being upset with a teacher, or that you were stuck in traffic, or that you couldn't get a cup of coffee that morning (although that would make me pretty fucking angry). Real anger that seems to control itself at times, and to control you. I was happy to finally find a way to control it.

So I took this control that I taught myself on the bike, and I used it every single moment of the day. When I woke up, when I ate breakfast, when I showered, when I was at work, when I was eating dinner, when I slept. Although I will admit, controlling my anger at work was one of the most difficult tasks. I saw a tshirt online that summarizes my feelings on working with customers. The shirt said, "I'll start being nicer when you stop being an idiot." Enough said. But anyhow, I learned control and self discipline, something I had been wanting to learn for two years, because it was two years ago that I realized I had a problem with self discipline, at least to my standards anyway. I needed to learn it. But for some reason I couldn't. I think I was too distracted. I couldn't focus. Or maybe I just didn't know how to go about it. I didn't have the tools to learn it maybe. And that's why I fucking love the bike. It was the tool that taught me control, and I plan on continuing to use that tool this year in Rhode Island, and for the rest of my life.

Moreover, I use this control now when I do yoga, and I do not think I can express my thankfullness for this well enough in a silly little online blog. The changes the bike made to my yoga practice are still incomprehensible to me sometimes. I have real control now. When I practiced yoga 2-3 years ago, I had control to a certain extent, but I was only wavering on the edge of it. It was like standing on my toes and trying to look over a wall. I could only see over a tiny, tiny bit. But now I'm on the other side, bitches.

Harry Potter

2007-08-31T16:37:00.000-04:00

I finished the 7th and final Harry Potter book last night. At the beginning of August I had only read books 1,2, 3 and half of book 4, so at the beginning of August I started re-reading the books from the beginning (well I read a summary of the 1st :-P ), and read them up through book 7. I am seriously impressed with JK Rowling. The last book was very impressive, and I won't spoil it for anyone who might read it, but I was very happy with the ending. Someday I will introduce my children to those books and I hope they have as much fun as I have had with them.

I move in to my room tomorrow in RI. I will take some pictures.

Sometimes I want to do really creative updates in here on a daily basis, but will anyone read them? Or does that even matter?

I'd like to talk to you about a few things

2007-08-30T09:17:00.000-04:00

My nose is so itchy this morning. My allergies are killing me. I'm drinking my coffee right now and listening to Damien Rice, and I am thinking about one of the books I have to read for one of my classes. Dubliners by James Joyce. I read it before in a British novel class (even though James Joyce is Irish). Anyhow, I was thinking as I am listening to Damien Rice: wow, Joyce would be so happy to see the things Dublin (or Ireland) has produced artistically since he's written Dubliners. Even Dublniners itself is a part of that. It's amazing isn't it? How cities can go through cultural waves.

When I went to aunt's on Monday with my grandmother when I was in Rhode Island trying to find a second job/buying textbooks, my grandmother told me all about her Catholic school experiene. I can't believe how different her experience was compared to my Catholic school experience. I know people have heard the same old stories of nuns hitting the kids, but it was a lot more than just that. My grandmother (my Nana from Hyde Park) went to Most Precious Blood school in downtown Hyde Park. She weighed about 30 pounds as a 1st and 2nd grader. And she said the nuns who ran the school were the most evil, unhappy people she has ever met, to this day. Unhappy is the better word. They were all Irish-Catholics, and in the 1940s when my grandmother was going to school, the Irish and Italian Catholic families had this notion that they wanted one Priest and one nun per family (immediate). So my grandmother concluded that most of these nuns were probably forced into the convent by their fathers. I'd be fairly unhappy all my life too if I was forced into the convent, and forced to give up any chance of a normal life, of a husband, children, being able to read what I wanted to read, when I wanted to read it, of being able to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. So the only place these nuns had to take out their anger and unhappiness was on the poor children they were forced to teach as a part of their service to the church.

So everyday my grandmother would be terrified to go to school. Absolutely terrified. So scared that even if she were violently ill, she would plea with her mother to let her go to school, because she would be afraid that if she missed a day, the nuns would bring her to the front of the classroom and hit her in front of everyone when she returned to school. If she or one of the students dropped a pencil onto the floor, the nun would come over to the desk and whack their hand. On one occasion a nun brought a student to the front of the classroom, pulled her pants down and smacked her in front of the entire class for something completely trivial and silly. On another occasion in the school yard, a nun randomly walked up to my grandmother and slapped her as hard as she could right across her face. She found out that this was because the nun heard someone talking, and she assumed it was my grandmother, so she walked up to her and smacked her.

My grandmother only spent two years there before she was removed and sent to a public school. When she went there she said it was such a relief that she loved school with a passion. She wanted to go every single day because it was so much better than being in the hell that was that Catholic school. It's sad, really, because parents would know what was going on at that school, and no one would say anything, because speaking out about a nun or a priest or a Catholic institution would be the equivalent of speaking out against God. It would be like renouncing Jesus in your life.

So how did the Catholics school change so drastically from then until now? I had one of the best times of my life at St. Anne's when I was growing up, the same age as my grandmother. And I would send my children to Catholic schools for elementary school assuming I had the money, because that's where I learned all my grammar, and I am 99.9999% sure that Catholic schooling is what formed me into an English major, and I love it. So what caused the drastic change?

When I was at Providence College, it was the exact opposite of what my grandmother explained to me. Instead, the nuns and priests were the most amazing people on the campus. They were the most knowledable, and they were the kindest, sweetest, most soft spoken, and most open minded people on the campus. I could talk to them about anything, and they were always willing to accept questions like, "Why Catholicism?" It was the lay people who were out of their freakin' minds there, and that's part of why I left. Take a more specific look at Dr. Esolen, an English professor there. But then look at Sister Straub, my anthropology teacher. She was wonederful. Perhaps now the nuns and priests that go into the convent aren't forced to anymore by their families, so they are just happier people? I dunno.

Well, I suppose I should go. I have about 250 pages left of the final Harry Potter book, and I really, really want to finish it. It's such a good book. I've heard that Rowling does not want to write another Harry Potter book, but I hope that one day she writes just one more. And I want it to be when my children are 11 or 12 years old, the same age I was when I read the first Harry Potter book (in 6th grade. Unbelievable). I was in Hyde Park when that first book came out. Unbelievable. I think my grandmother introduced me to Harry Potter, actually. I want to introduce my kids to Harry Potter some day when a new one comes out.

Books

2007-08-28T13:49:00.000-04:00

Hi. I updated my journal layout a bit. I hope you like it, because I like it.

I bought my textbooks yesterday while I was finding another job, and I have 'bout 30 novels to read this semester, plus 3 anthologies for my Medieval Literature class. I don't have to read every page in all of the anthologies I would imagine. That would be a lot of reading. But still! It's a lot. But I chose to be an English major, so I cannot complain. Plus the novels DO look really amazingly good. I am a bit excited about it, I cannot lie to you. There's my inner nerd coming out. I think my Russian literature class (which is actually a comparative literature studies class) will be my favorite class, but we'll have to see how it works out. I'm excited.

Summer survey, cuz I haven't done one in a while, and I was gonna read, but I got distracted

2007-08-28T00:02:00.000-04:00

END OF THE SUMMER SURVEY

Random Questions About Your Summer:

1. How did your summer start off?

It started off in a liberating state. The miserable part had left, and I felt liberated, and I took that feeling and ran with it, perhaps even a little too far as I unfortunately had to find out. It started off pretty darn well considering what I had to do.

2. How many times have you gone to the beach?

A few. Not as many as I would have liked.

3. Did you go camping?

Yes, in Maine (Dover Foxcroft). It was a lot of fun, and I got a lot of reading done. I like being in the woods.

4. Did something or someone make you cry?

Yes. Someone and somethings.

5. Was there any drama of any sort?

Yes, drama with someone who I thought was a friend. But as it turns out, he isn't.

6.Did you get tan?

A little bit.

7. Did you lose people that meant a lot to you?

No.

8. Did you drink or smoke?

I drank a little, and I smoked that time before my Latin final, but summer hadn't "officially" started by then.

9. Did you do something you weren't supposed to do?

Probably, although I can't think of anything specific.

10. Was this summer better than last summer?

In some ways it was better, in some ways it wasn't better. Last summer was a pretty fun summer, but this summer was a much more constructive summer for me personally.

Now We're Getting To The Juicy Stuff:

1. How many people have you kissed this summer?

None.

2. Did you hook up with someone and never talked to them again?

No.

3. Did you make drunk phone calls?

No.

4. Did you ever sneak out to see a someone?

Last summer, yes, but this summer, no. But it wasn't a "special someone." It was just a person.

5. Did you kiss someone of the same sex?

No.

7. Did you have to get over someone?

Yes.

8. Did you believe something someone told you even though you knew it wasn't true?

That's an odd question. If I knew something wasn't true, why would I believe it if someone told me that it was true? Strange question. So I guess the answer is no.

9. Did you fall in love?

Yes. With cycling and Harry Potter.

10. Did you meet someone that put you in amazement?

Is "put you in amazement" a real phrase? Anyways, yes, someone who amazed me in a bad way.

Final Questions:

1. Do you wish the summer didn't end?

No, I want to get on with the school year. There are a lot of things I want to continue accomplishing. School work, personal things, acheivements in the gym, different things with my yoga practice, etc.

2. Did anything memorable happen? If so, what?

Yes. I found myself again.

3. What was the worst point of the summer?

Stress about paying for school.

4. Did you go out a lot?

Not really. I specifically didn't want to this summer, because I had other things I needed/wanted to accomplish, and I did accomplish those things, so it's a very good pay off.

5. Are there some things you wish you could take back?

No.

6. What's the weirdest thing that has happened this summer?

Being attacked by an owl at 11:00 at night in Maine while we were camping. We were sitting around the fire, all still and quiet (me, my mom, my sister Ally), and all of a sudden, from the trees, a big, huge gray owl swooped down from the trees towards my head from behind me, came within 6-12 inches from my face, so I jumped up and screamed "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?" and it flew away back up into the trees. It's wingspan was about 8ft, no joke. It was absolutely enormous, and made the loudest noise. It was amazing. I have no idea why it decided to attack my face.

8. Who during the summer made you appreciate life?

I made myself appreciate life this summer.

9. Were you one of those people that told people you should hang out this summer?

If I think I am reading this question correctly, then yes, I was one of the people WHO (not that) told people that we should hang out this summer.

10. Summarize the summer in 3 words:

I found myself.

2007-08-27T02:24:00.000-04:00

Wow. I used to write so much. So, so much. What happened?

Books and college drinking, and hangovers, and I am getting a little too old for this shit

2007-08-27T00:39:00.000-04:00

I went to my Grandmother's (my nana's in Hyde Park) today with Allyson for some sunday dinner. It was, however, a little less pleasant than I wanted it to be because I was rather ill. It felt like I had a second heartbeat in my head, and I was throwing up until about 2 in the afternoon. Around 2 I took a snooze in my grandmother's room, and then I woke up around 3 feeling much, much better, so then I was thankfully able to eat her awesome, awesome food. But yea, I was foolish. I drank at my neighbor's last night with my parents, and I only had three beers and a vodka and tonic (that had about 1-2 shots worth of vodka in it) and I got SMASHED. Totally smashed. And not only did I get very drunk from such a small amount of alcohol, but the hangover SUCKED. And alas, this was all because yesterday I didn't eat anything really, and I didn't drink anything but coffee, so when I went to my neighbor's I was totally dehydrated. So when I woke up this morning, it felt like my head was going to EXPLODE. And I was vomitting. Lots. Don't you love that though? Those college days, when you wake up in the morning with that second heartbeat in your head cuz you were out drinking the night before, and you drank way too much, so when you wake up not only do you have a massive headache, but your whole torso is telling you, "YOU NEED TO VOMIT. NOW." So you go into the bathroom, tumble down onto your knees, still drunk from the night before, by the way. Definitely still drunk. And you are already familiar with every spot, crack and word printed on the toilet because you've done this routine so many times before. You already have your stash of hair elastics ready so you don't get vomit in your hair, even though every time you put your hair back into a ponytail or bun when vomitting, you still manage to get vomit in your hair anyways, so you have to ask yourself what's the point. So you stare at the word on the toilet. My word is "Standard." Is that on every toilet? I've seen it on the toilets at Providence College too, because I am quite familiar with having to stare at those toilets in the morning. So you stare into the toilet bowl, your torso heaving upwards, and you vomit. And if you were dumb like I was last night, you didn't have much of anything in your stomach, so nothing is going to come up. It's just dry heaves or bile. Pleasant isn't it? Then you say every time you do this toilet routine, "ohhh I am never drinking AGAIN. EVER. How could I not have remembered this from last time I drank way too much? I never want to taste alcohol again." So then you manage to pull yourself up, you wash your mouth out, or if you are waaaaay too hungover, you just grab a bottle of water and go back to bed, but you are very hesitant to drink from that bottle even though it might help your headache (the dehydration) because you know that anything you put into your stomach is going to come right back up anyways, but then you think that if the headache went away, the nausea might feel a little better, but you can't drink or eat anything to help the headache go away because the nausea is forcing everything in your stomach to come OUT. It's a mean cycle. So you lie in bed in that one position that is most comfortable for your stomach so you won't have the urge to vomit again in 3 minutes. But you know you will vomit again in about 30 anyways. So you lie there, angry, jealous at the people you can hear outside running or walking easily without having to vomit every three steps, and you say, "why the fuck do I do this to myself? Do I have an alcohol problem?" But your head hurts too much to think, so you close your eyes, so you fall asleep, blanket resting on top of you, and forget about this potential "problem" until the next time youre lying on your back in bed, sick with the worst hangover of your entire life.

------

Sometimes, though, when I am smart and drink enough water the day before I go out drinking, I don't get that evil hangover as described above. But very often that's my morning routine after a night of heavy drinking. Do I drink too much when I do decide to drink? I don't know. Probably. If I drink with dinner I won't drink too much, because I won't want to because I enjoy the food, but if I go out to a bar or to someone's house specifically to get drunk, I don't just get drunk. I get trashed. I don't even realize how or why. I think I just feel happy from the alcohol, so I keep getting another drink, and another, hoping that that happiness won't leave if I start drinking water instead of alcohol. But I know, however, that that isn't the case. I can be pleasantly drunk and be as happy as if I am trashed, and then I don't end up with the hangover in the morning. I know this, because last year when I was drinking with the exhange students this is what I did. Every shot of Aguardiente with Andres, and I would drink a glass of water. And I would still get smashed, but the next morning I wouldn't have a hangover because I was smart about it. So why do I insist that that happy drunk feeling will go away if I drink water? I don't know. I'm getting too old for this shit though :-P And I know that when I go back to PC to go out our beloved bars, I have to be smart about my drinking.

---------

In some other news, I have to go back to Rhode Island tomorrow to apply for a second job. I only have 10 hours a week at Bagelz (long story, but whatever). 6 of those hours are on a Saturday, so I kind of want to ditch that shift and get a job somewhere else for a semester while keeping this job at Bagelz, so I am going to apply at a local independent bookstore tomorrow, and apply at Kingston Pizza I think too since I have experience in that area. I will also buy my textbooks, which I am looking forward to! I love getting new textbooks.

ack

2007-08-24T22:31:00.000-04:00

I'm kind of upset about something. I don't know. I kind of don't want to post about it here. Maybe I will at some point. Aaaack I don't know.

A missing bee

2007-08-23T23:31:00.000-04:00

I got new clothes tonight. They're really cool. I like them.

I've noticed that it's amazing how if you don't workout for like only a week, how quickly you lose muscle mass and progress you've been making. It's crazy. I didn't workout for the week I was in Maine, and I lost stamina and muscle mass so fast. I didn't lose all the stamina and muscle mass I've gained over the summer, but it did set me back a bit. It's crazy, cuz then it takes a few more weeks to get it back. Aye dios mio.

There was a huge bee in my room today. The kind that stings. Yellow jacket I think. Anyways, it was fucking HUGE. HUGE! SO big. It was the biggest bee I have ever seen. It looked like it was dying, and it flew by me, and I freaked out, so I ran out of the room to get something to kill it, and I came back, and it was gone. GONE. I DONT KNOW WHERE IT WENT. So now I have to sleep in this room with a mysterious missing bee somewhere in here. A huge mysterious missing bee too. Not just a regular bee. A big fucking bee.

This entry was kind of pointless. I'm kind of craving chicken. I want some bluemoon beer with oranges and some grilled chicken right now.

Unless someone like you cares a whole lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.

2007-08-22T13:08:00.000-04:00

I've been neglecting my journal lately, mostly because I haven't had the urge to write anything. And that was because in the past month I have tried to get back to writing my poetry, and it has been frustrating. Well, it's been beyond frustrating actually. A few days ago I got so angry that I took my notebook and threw it across my bedroom and I stormed out of the room. Up until this week I hadn't written anything at all significant (poetry-wise) since high school. Since my senior year in high school. I'm not sure why exactly, although I bet I could guess. My freshmen year at Providence College I did write a rough copy of a poem, but that was all that I had written in 2 whole years. And since I stopped writing, it felt like I would never get that impulse to write again, and I got frustrated. Because one cannot just sit down and write a poem whenever one feels like it. There has to be that poem fairy that comes and visits you and says, "now is the time to write, so get going and drop whatever it is you're doing." Well I was afraid that since I had stopped for two years, that poetry fairy decided to stop visiting me, because whenever I got an idea for a poem, I couldn't go any further than that idea. My brain just stopped at the idea. So I had a notebook full of ideas, but no poems. But this week I finally, finally FINALLY wrote a fucking poem wtih the ideas I've been collecting for the past couple of months. And I am going to post it on my myspace. There are two actually, but one is only halfway done because it's rather long. The first is called "Morning Kitchen Floor." The second one, which isn't done yet, is called "Throwing Clothes." You can read them at http://www.myspace.com/meschwitz I will be using myspace now as a place to post the poems I write.

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In other news, not much has been going on. I quit Papa Gino's, and I will be starting classes at URI on Sept 6. I am taking Foundations of Gay and Lesbian Literature (yea yea whatevs. It's good authors in the class), Medieval Literature, Introduction to Film, Women's Studies, and Masterpieces of Russian Literature. Yay.

Coffee and the Tour de France and some writing, and yoga

2007-07-21T10:04:00.000-04:00

So I haven't updated in a bit. Oops! Anyways, I have been a bit busy. I worked a lot last week. So between working, working out, and the Tour de France, I've been busy!

So I guess I have a lot to cover today. First I will discuss what I like so far about the Tour de France, then I will discuss yoga. So there.

So this year's tour has been exciting because it's basically a total free for all. I mean, who would have expected Pollito to be in both Yellow and Polka Dots!? It's crazy. So this is what I love so far:

-Pollito (Rasmussen) is in both Yellow and Polka Dots
-Boonen is in Green, like I predicted
-I originally predicted/wanted to see Valverde in Yellow overall at the end, but now I want Alexander Vinokourov, because that man is a fighter. He went down hard on stage 5 with his teemmate Andreas Kloden, and has around 50 stitches in his knees, and he dropped down to about 20th place when he was the overall favorite to win the tour. He ended stage 9 I think it was in tears because he lost so much and dropped down to 20th place. BUT then on stage 10 or 11 (its all blurring into one, sorry), he was in the front of the Peloton with his team, and to catch the breakaway and to shed some riders who werent paying attention in the Peloton, he suddenly put the hammer down with this team, dropped Moreau, and caught the breakaway. THEN with 3km left, all of a sudden in the final spring, VINO goes and tries to attack! I couldn't believe it. He made a statement, and that statement was watch the fuck out, because even though I am in 20th and have 50 stitches in my legs, I still want to win, and I will win. That was definitely my favorite part, up until today.
-Now my new favorite: Alexander Vinokourov's fucking super time trial today. What the fuck Vino. You are the man. He ate up the road and blew away the field today. Fucking brilliant, Vino. I really hope you win it. You deserve it if you can get back the 8 minutes youve lost. Your performance today in the TT was brilliant. BRILLIANT.

Some other lesser parts of the tour that I am loving:
-The race for the green jersey
-Pollito
-37 year old Zabel making himself a rival for Tom Boonen's chase for Green
-Linus Gerdemann winning stage 7, and taking both the White and the Yellow jerseys. And Linus Gerdemann in general. How cute is he!?
-Linus Gerdemann's foam coming out of his mouth after his stage 7 win
-Pollito
-Cancellara's grip on the yellow jersey in the first week of the tour
-Moreau being dropped by the Peloton and team Astana. I really don't like Moreau
-Pollito
-Robbie McEwen's stage 1 win

------------------

So now let's talk yoga. I used to do yoga almost daily, and I used to be pretty badass at it. I took a hatha yoga class for a year at Franklin Yoga, and I've read a few books on hatha yoga and the history and tradition of yoga, so I feel I am qualified to make my own personal opinion on yoga in general. And I am saying this because I know that someone who reads this will not like that I am going to be criticial of a workout DVD, because they are "professionals" and I am not :-P

Anyways so I decided to get back into my yoga routine, so I popped in the yoga DVD that comes with the P90X workout DVD series (http://www.beachbody.com/jump.jsp?itemType=GATEWAY&itemID=63). So I put it in the DVD player, laid down my yoga mat, and started doing the DVD. I must say, I was more than disappointed. They totally miss the point of yoga. It's not even yoga, really. It's super power yoga. They start off doing sun salutations, which I have done many, many, many times before, trust me. I have done them in the class I used to take, and I have done them on my own. So the first problem, they start you off by doing very advanced moves. Bad. 90% of the people buying P90x to get into shape havent done yoga before. So if you haven't done yoga before, you don't start someone off by doing half moon and crane poses. Its ridiculous. You have to build up. That would be like,if you never lifted before, going into the gym and trying to bench 250. Not gonna fucking happen. There is nothing wrong with being a beginner, and starting slow, and building up. If youve never done yoga, and you try to do half moon or crane, you will injure yourself, or get extremely discouraged. One should never, ever get discouraged in yoga. That defeats the purpose. Then, they had me doing pushups in the middle of the sun salutations. What!? No pushups during yoga. The whole thing just defeated the purpose the yoga. It stunk of always having to do more more more, which isnt what yoga is about. Yoga is about moderation, relaxation, perfection, and connections. You dont have to pump up your yoga workout wtih pushups in the middle of your sun salutation. And you dont start off beginners with advanced poses. It was just ridiculous. They missed the point of yoga, and it made me a bit upset and sad. It was a bunch of muscle heads trying to make yoga into an intense muscle head workout. ugh. And once they went into crane pose, I just started laughing. I did the Lolz and shut it off.

It's raining

2007-07-09T09:42:00.000-04:00

I was supposed to tan today, but alas, it's pouring.

This is my favorite time of the year, though. For serious, I think I like this time of the year more than Christmas, because.....because.....it's time for the TOUR DE FRANCE. I love watching the Tour de France for three weeks in July. That sound of the helicopter watching the riders from up above, those skinny boys in those tight shorts and colorful shirts. Oh the Tour is so much fun to watch.

In other news, I've been working this summer to save up money for rent for the fall, but I did spend money on an mp3 player yesterday, and I am so so so excited. I decided to buy a Creative Zen mp3 player. I got the white one. It is here:

Isn't it pretty? I think it's way better than an ipod. Ipods are overrated. I had a good run with the one Jonathan gave me last year, but it has shat the bed, so I think I will try something other than an Ipod. Yay!

Long week!

2007-07-06T21:09:00.000-04:00

Gah it has been a long week! I didn't get to work out as much as I wanted to this week, and my eating habits were less than fantastic, but it's ok. Monday and Tuesday were ok, Wednesday was bad, Thursday was kind of ok, today was kind of ok. Wednesday though was the 4th, and I drank. And drank. And drank. And drank some more at the cookout we had here. I was pretty smashed. But I haven't been drunk in a long time, so it's all good. I won't be drinking another drop of alcohol for a while though, because I am trying really hard to lose just 5 more pounds.

I also haven't been riding my bike as much as I wanted to this past week or so! I've been busy though. If I am not working an 11-9 shift or something, I have to do something for my parents during the day. Tomorrow morning though I am going out for a nice, long, slow ride. I am not going to worry about how fast I go. I just want to ride. Burn some good calories, get some good miles in.

I've been doing the P90X workout videos occasionally though when I can get a workout in, before work or whatever, and I am definitely noticing a difference. I am using those mostly for toning up my muscles in my arms and for working my abs. My abs need a lot of work, as do my abs. I am hoping to be able to burn fat by biking, and to tone up my muscles with the P90X videos. Ah well. We shall see how it happens. I am going to go really strict on my diet and exercise for 4 weeks and see how that goes. So in 4 weeks, I will be checking back in.

So other than that not much else has been going on. Just the same old crap. Work, reading, exercise. Yea it's boring, but it's part of my life.

OH! Tour de France starts....TOMORROW. That's right biatches! TOMORROW! WHEE! I want Valverde to win, but alas, I think Alexander Vinokourov is looking pretty good. He is a talented rider, however, and I would support him if he won. He seems like a decent boy, despite the Levi thing he pulled a few weeks ago.

weight loss

2007-07-01T21:04:00.000-04:00

I think I broke through that plateau with my weight loss. I was losing a decent amount of weight for someone my size, but then the weight loss kind of stopped, which happens. But I lost a few more pounds in the past week. I'm not happy yet though. I have to lose a few more pounds before I reveal the grand total and the new after photos :-P It feels really good, though, to be back to a weight that I feel comfortable with. I can wear old shirts that I couldn't wear before :-P It's so exciting.

The runt of the litter

2007-06-27T09:09:00.000-04:00

I've been working a lot lately. Been working at Papa Gino's (blah I know). But it's money. I make $.7.75 an hour working up front waiting on customers and being the oven bitch (watching the pizzas and taking them out of the oven and cutting them up and putting them in boxes and sending them on their way), and am currently being trained to make pizzas, so once I am fully trained to make pizzas I will get a raise of like a dollar, so that's pretty sweet. We had a pizza making class I had to go to yesterday from 9-11, however, and I was like the runt of the litter. There were 4 of us (girls), and two have been working there for a few years, and the other girl has been making pizzas for a few years, then there was me that my boss just stuck in there. I knew absolutely nothing because I just started a few weeks ago. I was pretty surprised my boss sent me out there to make pizzas that fast. I guess I'm a decent worker :-P

people shouldn't fight, but we do anyway

2007-06-23T00:25:00.001-04:00

A friendship with someone is probably going to be permanently discontinued, and it's unfortunate. And I'll go right out and say that no, I am not talking about Jonathan. I haven't spoken to him since the middle of April, but I am not talking about him. Those who know me will be able to figure it out.

But my reasoning behind it is fine. If I am a friend, you're not mean to me. That is the way things work. I'm not mean to you, so don't be mean to me. It's not about the specifics here (ie, re-adding me onto myspace as a friend), but rather, what it shows, the fact that you ignored the request for three weeks specifically. Speficially ignored it day after day even though you knew it was there. You admitted you were ignoring it. And you gave the excuse, "eh I am easing back into the friendship" (this was after a big fight we had). Well, if we're friends and we got over the fight and moved on, you should do that, move on. Don't keep people who are close to you out of your life. And do not act like that I need to work back into your circle of friends. That I need to earn my way back into your little circle of trust. If I broke your trust, tell me. If it's broken, tell me. Don't play games and act like everything is ok when it's actually not. And be straight with me about other things in your life, and you know exactly what I am talking about. If I am your friend, treat me like a friend. Either be friends with me, or leave me alone, but don't play games. I don't have the time for people like that, and I don't treat people like that, so I don't expected to be treated that way in return. Friends argue, and friends fight, but if they are friends and they trust each other, they move on. You couldn't do that, so sorry, I don't want to waste my time. If a fight ruins a friendship for you, I feel sorry for you. If you are that closed off to others, I feel sorry for you.

And telling me that I need patience before you do certain, simple little things for me is not only slightly controlling, but it's terribly condescending. I haven't done anything wrong to break trust, and I am not going to be convinced otherwise. I spent enough years being convinced that I was doing something wrong when I was actually acting normally, and I don't plan on continuing to do that. Confrontation with a friend is not breaking trust. I did nothing wrong.

bicycle

2007-06-21T16:59:00.000-04:00

I rode in the pouring rain yesterday, and it was amazing. Absolutely amazing. AA. That's my AA. The bike. Well that doesn't make much sense. I'm not using the bike to recover from alcohol abuse. Ok anyways, I rode yesterday in the pouring rain and it was so amzing. I wanted to try to beat the rain, but I left an hour later than I wanted to, so I got stuck in the rain for an hour longer than I wanted to, but it worked out well because riding in the pouring rain was awesome. I was pedaling down windy streets with forest on both sides, rain pouring down, barely able to suck in air, water pouring down my face, off my helmet, down my legs. It felt nice too. The rain felt really, really nice.

So I went out for another long ride today. By the time I got back to Franklin I was a bit tired, but I was feeling really, really good. Really solid. I think I am really on track to reach my goal of a 100 mile ride by the end of the summer. I'm so excited that I've been riding the way I have been. I am gonna do a 50 mile ride on Sunday, which means I am halfway there! Yay!

Eddie Murphy is brilliant

2007-06-19T18:48:00.001-04:00

This clip of him talking about the ice cream man is so brilliant. I love. It's short, so watch and enjoy.

It's so true too. I have little sisters who are 6 and 7 years old, and that is EXACTLY how they act when they hear the ice cream truck. "MOMMMMMMMM!" Haha.

I kind of have a lot I want to discuss today. This is kind of a depressing post

2007-06-18T10:24:00.000-04:00

Some of it is serious, some is light hearted.

First, I haven't been able to get out in my bike in like a week, and it is driving me NUTS. I've been too busy. 'Tis sad. I have either been working, or it has been pouring, Saturday I went to Norwell to a cookout with my parents' friends. Yesterday I worked 1-10. Today I was going to get out and ride, but I woke up wtih a headache. Tomorrow it is going to be like 90 degrees, and I can't go out in the morning because I have to go to a mandatory pizza making class at Papa Gino's in the morning. So I guess my next ride will be Wednesday morning. I will still work out tomorrow though.

On Saturday my parents and sisters and I went to Norwell to my paernt's friends house for a cookout type thing. It was just us and their friends, but it was nice. We went there because my dad's friend, Glen, got cancer two years ago, and he got it all over his body. His brain, spleen, stomach, liver, lungs. It was everywhere. He was on his deathbed 3 times. Once in Texas when he thought the worst was behind him, so he went there with his wife, Rainy, to visit some relatives. Then he suddenly got really sick in Texas and almost died in a hospital there. This man puts Lance Armstrong to shame with the stuff he has been through and survived. Now he's doing fantastic, and by looking at him you would never, ever think he was ever sick. It made me sad, though, because Glen and Rainy both said to my parents that they are the only real friends that they have. They are the only people who really talk to them and who actually care how they are doing, and who are actually willing to see them. Glen and Rainy used to live in Hyde Park, and he and my father grew up together so they have been friends for years. When they moved out to Norwell, Glen's brother Ricky also moved out there to a house just a couple minutes down the road from him. When Glen got sick, Ricky and his wife never once stopped by to see how Glen was doing. For two years Ricky never bothered to see how he was. When Ricky and his wife Patty were living in Hyde Park, they never once invited Glen or Rainy to their house to go swimming in their pool. For the short time we were in the house with our pool in Hyde Park, Glen and Rainy were over our house more times than Glen has ever seen his brother who lives two minutes away. It's terrible. Your brother has cancer, almost dies, is given a 2% chance of living, and you or your wife never once stop by to see how he is doing? Or you never call to see if your brother or his wife need anything? Unbelievable. And the "friends" Glen and Rainy made in Norwell are just as bad. As soon as Glen came down with cancer, the phone calls and visits stopped. Are people afraid that they can catch cancer?

I don't understand how people can be like that towards people that are supposed to be close to them. Be nice to those who are close to you. There is no reason to be mean. There is no reason to be disrespectful. Is it really that difficult to care about someone? Or to do something for someone just because you want to, and not just because you are asked or told to? Or am I really that naive?

I don't think it's a matter of being naive though. Whoever reads this will probably laugh at what I write next, but I don't really care. I don't think it's about being naive, because I have been watching this season of Celebrity Fit Club on VH1, the show that takes a bunch of overweight and unhealthy celebrities and gets them into shape, and I was pretty moved by this season's cast. Just to catch everyone up who doesn't watch the show: this season was drama filled. There are eight people on the cast: Ross Matthews (from the Tonight Show), Kimberly Lock (singer), Tiffany (singer), Maureen McCormick (Marsha Brady), Cledus Judd (singer), Warren G (singer/rapper), Da Brat (rapper), Dustin Diamond (actor/has been). The entire cast was great, except for Dustin Diamond. They all got along well, loved each other, supported each other, lost enormous amounts of weight, respected each other. But Dustin did not. He hated everyone, and blatantly disrespected everyone, especially women.

Anyways, I was moved by this season because of the closeness of the other seven members of the cast and what they all accomplished together. They all loved each other and supported each other even though they were on different teams who were supposed to be competing against each other. They were all genuinely happy to see each other's successes, and they all genuinely supported each other during each other's rough spots. And they all worked really hard and lost tremendous amounts of weight. So why is it so hard for some people to be supportive of others? Or to be nice to others? Or to do something for someone else?

Why do some people have to be so disrespectful like Dustin Diamond? And so self-righteous like he is? He thought he was It. And he thought the whole world was against him. Everyone has bad intentions. Why? Some people are nice people. And the other seven members of that cast proved that.

ugh

2007-06-12T05:59:00.000-04:00

*sigh*

I woke up at 5 today. FIVE. On my own. Just woke up. Why? WHY????

I wish I could sleep in the mornings. :(

My lifelong To Do list, in no particular order, complete with entertaining pictures to make it fun

2007-06-10T15:18:00.001-04:00

-Have sex after going for a long, long bike ride. For some reason, when I get off my bike after going for a like ride, I am like ROAR, and it seems like it would be The.Best.Sex.Ever. That doesn't happen when I workout though. If I do a regular workout on the indoor bike or the rowing machine or if I lift weights. Not the same ROAR feeling. So that is definitely on my To Do list.

-Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro in Africa. I've been dreaming about doing that for a year now, and I will do it eventually in the next 5 years. That mountain just seems so damn amazing, and I feel like I have to climb it.

-Go to a solo Tori Amos concert. I've seen her perform live twice, but both times it was with the band. If you are going to see Tori live, you have to see her solo. Just her and a piano and some keyboards.

-Ride my bike up Mount Washington's Auto Road. There is a bicycle race up there every year, and Tyler Hamilton competed in it when he got kicked out of professional cycling for two years for doping (ha). Eventually I want to be in the kind of shape to just complete the ride by myself.

That's Tyler doing the race up Mt. Washington.

-Write a book, write a play, and write a book of poetry. Basically self-explanatory. I've been writing for years and I plan to continue.

-Have a son and name him Luke. I've been surrounded by girls and sisters my whole life. I need to have a son when I have kids, and I am going to name him Luke because that is the BEST NAME EVER. I love that name. I don't care what my husband says. Luke it shall be.

-Hike out on the west coast area and the Rockie Mountains area.

-Spend one night in Maine's Baxter State Park. If I can do that without freaking out and ending up in a mental house, I will prove to myself that I am stronger than I think. Aliens live in Baxter State Park. I swear to God.

-Buy a house in Maine near Sebec Lake.

-Get a Beagle when I am older.

-Climb Mt. Elbrus in Russia. It looks BEAUTIFUL.

I have to do two pictures for Elbrus because it's so pretty.

-Visit South America. Maybe see my primas in Bolivia! (my cousins. Yes I have relatives in Bolivia. How cool is that?). Maybe while I am in Bolivia I can climb up Illimani. Yea right. Like I have money to do all this shit.

-Drink real Aguardiente in Colombia. And I can visit Andres! :-P

That's all for now, I think.

gotta love migraines

2007-06-06T20:28:00.000-04:00

Howdy.

I was curled up on my floor yesterday vomitting. And feeling throbbing, throbbing pain in my head. Migraine pain. Not just headache. Migraine. It was the suck. The good thing, though, is that I know exactly what caused it. I went out for a long bike ride yesterday, which caused the migraine. But the reason I got the headache yesterday and not on any other day I go out for long rides was because my lack of appetite the day before, the amount of coffee I drank the day before, and my fucking around with my medications the night before. Usually every night I take (all for migraines) 50mg (2 pills) of Topamax, 50 mg of amitriptyline (2 pills), 300mg of magnesium, and a pill (not sure how many mg or whatever) of vitamine b2, and birth control. But the other night I didn't take Topamax or vitamin b2. And look what happened. Jesus Christ. Gotta fucking love migrianes.

I started at Papa Gino's today. It wasn't too terribly exciting. I miss Bagelz. Bagelz was Leanne-style. Laid back, get work done the way you want to get it done, but just get work done. Papa Gino's is like prison. I don't like authority. Never have, and probably never, ever will. At Bagelz I had a boss, but the boss said "we trust you. Just get work done." At Papa Gino's it's, "SELL SELL SELL LISTEN TO ME LISTEN TO ME." No. Sorry. I work my ass off, yes, and do work, clean dishes, mop floors, make food, and run around like a nut. But the crazy uptight selling blah blah blah. Shut it. It's Papa Gino's. It's not brain surgery. Let it go.

Sorry for my bitchiness. I am really tired. I woke up at 5:30 this morning on my own. Just woke up, and stayed up! Cuz I'm not fucking normal and don't sleep in the morning like everyone else!

So aye, off to bed with me. Gotta get up EARLY again (6) to go for a long bike ride yay!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111

I love my bike.

Hormones and it's just one of those fucking days

2007-06-04T22:32:00.000-04:00

Hormones are driving me insane this evening. I guess it's that time of the month that my body says, "Leanne, you should make a baby today." Even though it's 99.9% physically impossible for me to make a baby right now. Anyways, whatever. My family probably reads this so I am gonna stfu.

I'm loving Regina Spektor lately. Like totally loving her. Like loving her so much that I would do her even though she is the woman and I am the straight. And it's funny, because Ross the Intern (http://blog.nbc.com/ross_blog/) also just posted about how much he is loving her. I started loving her before I read his post, though. Anyways, you should read his blog because it's fucking hilarious and awesome and loving and warm and fuzzy and I love it! I love his Talky Blogs. HEY. Maybe I will start doing Talky Blogs. I will do anything to get people to read this silly journal. I feel like NO ONE READS THIS. ARGH.

In some other Leanne news, I'm really happy lately. Today was a weird day, I will admit. I had no appetite, and I woke up totally not feeling the whole exercise thing, and I woke up with a fuzzy head and it took 4 (yes FOUR) cups of coffee before I finally started to feel like myself. Usually I wake up at 7 or 7:30 and I am like WOO LEANNE LET'S GO RIDE 40 MILES AND CRUSH SOULS AND BE THE SCARY ON THE BICYCLE AROUND FRANKLIN AND MEDWAY AND NORFOLK. But not today. Today was just one of those fucking days.

I got off topic again. I am happy. I am so happy I could go outside and pick up a tree out of the ground and like, throw it, or something. This journal is a little public, so I don't know if I want to get in to why exactly I am as happy as I am now, but I don't know. Maybe some other time. Those close to me know why. No, I don't have a boyfriend or a new love (besides my hot Cannondale, but only Matt will understand the type of love one has for a bicycle that is TOTALLY nonsexual, I SWEAR). Anyways, let's just say I've solved many, many problems that were deep, deep down inside myself. So deep down that only one person has really heard about them, and that person is in Rhode Island somewhere. Another person has heard some of the story, but not all of it.

I am so happy that it's like, when I am powerhousing my bike up a long climb, it's like having an orgasm because I feel so RELIEVED. I feel liberated and free. I feel like me. I haven't really felt like me in a long, long time. But on my bike I feel like me. Even when I feel like I am going to die and my legs are gonna break under me and my lungs feel like they are being scraped with metal rakes and pulled apart and pulled apart and pulled apart and like they are fucking frozen and my ears are pounding and my lips are trembling and sagging and my mouth is hanging open and I have the look of death on my face and I can't possibly get any more oxygen to my muscles as I am climbing up this hill, I still feel like an orgasm. Yes. That's how I mentally feel, because for so long I was missing out on the Leanne zone. I had forgotten how to find it. Even on the crew team I couldn't really find it like I've found it now. When I am on my bike I just want to scream out in happiness because I'm finally me again. And that is what a real orgasm is like.

2007-06-04T15:56:00.000-04:00

TEN EMOTIONS.
1. are you in love? Hella no
2. do you have a bf/gf? Hella no
3. are you talking to anyone?: Talking to Matt
4. are you bored? No, fucking hyper cuz I drank a pot of coffee
5. are you German? Yes, but people mistake it for Jewish. Eh.
6. are you Irish? A small bit.
7. are you Asian? No
8. are you Mexican? No
9. are your parents still married? Yes

TEN FACTS.
1. hometown: Boston Mass. I live in Franklin now.
2. hair color: Kinda brown kinda blond-ish
3. height: 5'4
4. hair style: Up and out of my face
5. eye color: Green-ish
6. birthday: February 3 1987
7. mood: Nice and relaxed (but hyper from too much coffee). I am happy with life right now. Happy happy. So happy I could like, run outside and pick up a tree and throw it.
9. available: For what? As a girlfriend? Yes, I am available.
10. lefty/righty: Righty

NINE THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE.
1. have you ever been in love: Yes.
2. do you believe in love?: Yes.
3. why did your last relationship fail?: Ummmm. I guess you could say I was treated unfairly for a number of years.
4. have you ever been heartbroken?: Of course.
5. have you ever broken someone's heart?: I don't think so.
6. have you had more than 10 girlfriends/boyfriends?: No.
7. have you ever liked someone but never told them?: Yes.
8. are you afraid of commitment?: No.
9. have you kissed someone within the last week?: Unfortunately I have not

TEN THINGS:
1. love or lust?: Love.
2. hard liquor or beer?: Beer. Hard liquor now gives me headaches. Yay.
3. cats or dogs?: Dogs.
4: 1 best friend or 10 regular friends?: Best friend. I don't like a lot of people at once. I'm a simple girl.
5. television or internet?: Internet duh.
6. pepsi or coke?: Coke.
7. wild night out or romantic night in?: Night in with lots of hot sex.
8. Black or white?: Black.
9. night or day?: Day.
10. aim or phone?: I don't care.

TEN HAVE Y0U EVERS.
1. been caught sneaking out?: I don't think so. I don't think I've ever snuck out anywhere.
2. skinny dipped?: No but I want to.
3. done something you regret?: No.
4. bungee jumped?: No.
5. been on a house boat?: No.
6. finished an entire jaw breaker?: Ugh no those are silly.
7. wanted something so badly it hurt?: Not really.
8. wanted a ex bf/gf back?: Used to.
9. cried because you lost a pet?: Yes.
10. disappeared?: I dont know.

LAST:
12. kiss: Blah.
13. hug: Blah.
14. drink: Coffee
15. test: Latin final

A message to professional cycling

2007-06-02T09:51:00.000-04:00

Profesional cycling needs to forget about the doping that happened in the past. It is the past. We all know that everyone doped in the 90s. It is not a secret. Coming out now and formally confessing to the world is helping no one (coughRiiscough). Punishing those now who have doped in the past is not helpig anyone. Let's for example say we take Riis's yellow jersey away from the 1996 Tour de France. To whom then do we give it? Ullrich came in second that year. But whoops. Can't give it to him because of doping allegations and DNA tests and subsequent punishments. So who came in third? That would be Richard Virenque. Whoops! Can't give it to him either! See what I mean? It doesn't work. Let us pick a date, say, January 1, 2006. Anything that happened before then, we do not punish. We have to move forward in cycling. Dwelling on the past and trying to punish the past does not move us forward. It just bogs us down, makes us look like a joke, and causes us to move in reverse. Instead we should be moving forward. If you want to clean up cycling, then fine, do it, but do it in the future, not in the past. If you want to clean up cycling, let's have harsher controls and drug tests, and harsher punishments on team managers and not punishments on just the riders. Let's focus on the managers and trainers who place the enormous pressure to dope on the riders. Let's design better doping controls. But stop dwelling on the past. This is ridiculous. Everyone doped. EVERYONE. We know they did. Get over it, and move on, and get out there and ride your bike.

Randkluft and soapy sudsy rainwater

2007-05-31T21:25:00.000-04:00

I was driving to Honey Dew today to get a delicious black iced coffee, and it started pouring. Absolutely pouring. Buckets. I rolled down my window to pay the woman for my iced coffee and I got my second shower for the day. It sucked. Anyways, I noticed around Franklin today that all the rainwater collecting in the streets in puddles or streams was soapy looking. Like someone put bath bubbles in it. I dunno, maybe I just never noticed it before, or maybe it was because it was raining pretty hard, but I've driven in rain before and I never noticed how soapy, for lack of a better word, the water on the street looked. And it was everywhere from my street all the way to the other side of Franklin.

be prepared

2007-05-30T20:13:00.000-04:00

Hi. I'm updating again because my last update was impersonal and boring. I start my job at Papa Gino's tomorrow at 3. They want me for 40 hours a week so I am super, super excited. I have to save all my money for a place to live in the fall, though. I still have a lot of loose ends I need to tie up for next year so I can actually, like, go to school. My loan status is up in the air still, and until that is cleared I can't get a place to live because I am not going to waste money on a security deposit if I can't get loans. Everything will work out, I am sure, but just to be safe I am waiting for these loans to clear.

So to relieve some stress I am going to go for a nice, long ride tomorrow morning on my bicycle for a few hours. I'll probably stop at a stream that I like over in Medway on my way back to relax for a bit and eat a luna bar. Yea sounds exciting. I enjoy it though. I love going for long rides.

I think I am going to start making weekly workout schedules once I start getting weekly schedules from Papa Ginos. I need to be as prepared as possible for the triathlon in July. Eeeek!

2007-05-30T16:51:00.000-04:00

It looks like I've lost a good friend. It's a bit sad. I got angry about something he did/said, and I feel I had every right to get upset, and I was frustrated and wanted to talk to him about it. I wasn't going to end the friendship over it, but apparently he thought I was going to, or he wants to end the friendship over my getting angry, so we are no longer speaking. I think it sucks because I hate seeing friends hold grudges and not speak to each other. I thought we just needed to talk because I was understandably upset, but I guess it's all or nothing. If you want to hold a grudge, then hold a grudge. I wasn't going to sacrifice a friendship over something like this. I wasn't jealous of someone else. It wasn't about that. If that were the case the issue would have come up sooner. Instead I felt like the situation was treated poorly and it needed mending. If you want to hold a grudge then go ahead, but it's stupid for friends not to speak to each other.

----------

So in other news, Dave Zabriskie (http://www.davezabriskie.com) is my new favorite soul crusher. During an interview, Mr. Zabriskie was asked how his Giro d'Italia was going, and he replied, "You know, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence. I'm just a big hairy American winnin' machine." That is a soul crushing statement indeed.

Mmmm soul crushing in action.

Honesty and Sestriere

2007-05-26T09:52:00.001-04:00

When people say "honesty is the best policy," I think that's true. It doesn't hurt to be honest. It hurts not to be honest. This phrase "brutally honest" makes me sort of angry. There is no such thing as being brutally honest. Just be honest. Is it really that difficult? And more importantly, this applies to yourself. Don't lie to yourself.

-----

In other news, Bjarne Riis, owner and manager of team CSC, admitted that his 1996 Tour de France win was tainted with his use of EPO (blood doping). I was talking to a friend yesterday about this, and he used to be big into cycling. Almost went pro but backed out at the last second, but still follows cycling, etc. So he is qualified to make his opinion. Anyways, this friend of mine doesn't like Riis doped because of the hypocrisy behind it with all of his anti-doping advocacy. He went on to say, furthermore, that he understands why people dope and that he actually feels bad for the dopers and that he repsects their decision to dope because it means sacrificing everything to win a race. Here I am going to have to disagree, and maybe this is what separates me from someone who is a real cyclist, but I don't care. It sounds cheesy, but it's true. Get out and ride for the sake of riding. Is winning really everything? I understand it's your career, and if you're a guy struggling to get onto a team and you need to dope to make the team, then you'll do it because you just want to ride on the team. But you're really willing to lie to yourself and cheat yourself like that to compete amongst a bunch of cheats? A bunch of liars? A bunch of people who lie to themselves and to the whole world? Let's look at Lance Armstrong. If he is really cleam and hasn't doped post-cancer, he is the most amazing man in the world and he is the type of person I want to be. But if he doped because he was that determined to win a race, he suddenly isn't that admirable anymore. The work he put into it isn't as meaningful anymore beacuse EPO pushed him along. That memorable climb up Sestriere in 1999, the first year he won the tour, for example (the climb that you can watch here http://youtube.com/watch?v=oiCIJ2JewPE) If that was pushed along by EPO, I suddenly feel cheated out of my rides when I am out on my bike, pushing and struggling and shredding my lungs apart on long, hard climbs. I am out there riding for the sake of riding, knowing that I won't be on a pro team, but riding because I love the bike. At the end of the day when I am looking the mirror, spent from a long ride, I can look in the mirror and say, look leanne, you built that yourself. You built that only with your own hard work and your own motivation. If at the end of the day I looked in the mirror and knew that I built that with the help of EPO, all meaning would be lost.

Ummmm

2007-05-23T19:18:00.000-04:00

So it looks like I will be working 40+ hours a week at Papa Ginos this summer. I handed the manager an application and he interviewed me, and asked if I would be willing to work over 40 hours a week, so of course I said yes. I am excited.

Not too much else has been going on. Been making fairly steady progress in my soul crushing. I have been riding lots. I have to ride more, though. Now that I have a good base I can start doing really long rides, and I think by next Saturday I am going to try to do the Cumberland, RI ride I've had planned out. Tomorrow though I am doing a 60 minute rowing machine workout. My upperbody needs some major work and that's the fastest way to get it done, and I get some great cardio done while I am at it. And I will burn like a zillion calories. It will be fan-fucking-tastic training for the triathlon, too.

What I need to do, though, is come up with a good, steady schedule of training that involves running, swimming, cycling and the rowing machine to prepare for these two triathlons I am doing. Maybe I will do that tonight, actually. I don't know if I have mentioned this in here yet, but I am doing a triathlon in July now too with Mary. Yay!

Sexy men and green tea

2007-05-11T12:21:00.000-04:00

I went to Panera yesterday to get lunch all by my lonesome self, and while I was waiting for my food to be prepared there was this gorgeous, gorgeous man standing in front of me. He was the most gorgeous man I have ever seen. He was tall. Proably 6'4", he had short black hair, and he had gorgeous muscles and gorgeous arms and gorgeous shoulders and a really nice butt. And to make it even hotter, he was having a salad and green tea for lunch. Mmm green tea. Seeing a man of his size and build having a small hot green tea with his lunch is amazingly sexy. I wanted to marry him, but I couldn't.

Ivan Basso won't be competing in the Tour de France (or the Giro d'Italia) this year because he signed a confession to his doping. I respect that he signed his confession that the bags of blood found in this doctor's office were in fact his blood, but I don't believe that he only intended to dope and never actually doped like he says. He claims he had the bags of blood for the 2006 Tour de France, but he did not use any for the 2006 Giro d'Italia, which he won (it's Italy's Tour). Because of course, if he had said that he used the blood for that, his first place title would be taken away. You doped, Ivan. And so did Jan, Lance (but he wasnt involved in Operacion Puerto), Valverde, Sevilla, Hamilton, and everyone else involved in Operacion Puerto, and most others in Cycling. I respect that Basso confessed, and more cyclists need to follow and do the same, but don't have ass it, Ivan.

Also, I went into Barnes and Noble today and checked out the new issue of Procycling magazine, and Ivan was on the cover for the upcoming Giro. I guess they are saying a big "oooops!" over at Procycling magazine now haha. Aye aye aye dios mio. Stupid, stupid athletes.

The Leanne thing

2007-05-09T15:51:00.000-04:00

Many, many thoughts.

I drove down to the beach last night. I should have been studying for my Latin final. But I didn't want to study, so I didn't. People have told me since I was in the second grade that I don't use my potential with my school work. But is that a problem? Last night to study for my final I went down to the beach and sat at the edge of the water and stared at the Newport and Jamestown Bridges for about an hour, and then I went back to my room and smoked a few joints and watched 3 hours of Roseanne DVDs. I don't smoke often, but last night was just the right time to do it. It was my last night staying at that hell hole room, and the last night of being in school this year and semester. I've always had that sort of attitude, especially towards school, and I don't really know why exactly. Ever since I was in 2nd grade, and I will never forget it, my teachers have always said that I don't use my potential. All my teachers have said that if I just used my potential I would be a straight A student. But I don't. I don't try like I could. When I put all my effort into my English essays, I literally get A+s on all of them. But when I just do the Leanne thing, the going to the beach for an hour just to stare at a bridge, or the smoking a joint while watching 3 hours of Roseanne, or the reading a random novel, or working out instead of studying, or going for a walk in the woods, or making my own homemade iced sassafrass tea that I grow myself, I get the lukewarm Bs. Sometimes even Cs. Then people who are close to me call me unmotivated. I am not unmotivated though. I do things. I go for walks in the woods. I read. I exercise. I ride my bike. Just because I get Bs and Cs in school does not mean I lack motivation or don't try.

Why do I constantly get Bs and Cs when I definitely definitely have the ability to get As though? More than once I've gotten A+s on English literature essays, and more than once I've been the only person in the class to get an A on the essay. I would rather be doing other things. There are other parts of life that I would like to enjoy.

So last night I drove down to my special area. A small beach where I can see both the Jamestown Bridge and the Newport Bridge, and I just sat at the edge of the water in the darkness for an hour and stared at the bridges. When I was driving down the road to get to this beach area I have to drive up a small hill before descending down a really steep hill to get to the beach. I love the way the sky looks when you're driving towards the ocean and you're going up a hill, and you know the ocean is right there over the other side of the hill, but you can't see it, but you can see the sky, and you know that the blue sky meets the blue ocean and there is nothing else there but blue. Somehow the sky seems lighter. Not color wise, but weight wise. It just seems lighter when it's sitting over the ocean, especially when you're driving up that hill and the ocean is on the other side, but you just can't see it yet.

On the Jamestown Bridge I couldn't see the cars going over because they were too small, but every once and a while I could see a big truck driving over the bridge, and the trucks were probably going about 60 or 65, but they looked like they were crawling over the bridge. Then I saw this random duck just sitting at the edge of the water about 50 feet away from me over by the rocks. It looked like he was sleeping or something, but he was all by himself, just chilling out. I wish I could be like that duck more often, but he probably came there last night because he's worrying about food he has to get, or trash that's collecting over by his home, or the drunken assholes who come down there at night and make bonfires on the weekends and harrass all the animals, then drive back to URI drunk. The same assholes I see in Subway with girls getting subs, with their hair frozen with hair gel and attempting to flirt with girls by telling her she's spicing up her sandwich or turning up the heat by choosing to add Subway's Southwestern Sauce to their anorexic chicken and lettuce wraps, or telling her that she should't get a drink at Subway because he's got bud lite in his car. "Come on just wash it down with a beer." And he says that with his body swaying from side to side because he can't sit still.

These are the same people who seem to stress and sit in the library for hours with coffee and "study," but still manage to get nothing done. Or the same people who party night after night, and who still dp not get anything else done, not just with their school work, but with themselves. What I do seems like it's unmotivated. Yea, getting baked while watching Roseanne for 3 hours the night before a final isn't exactly a "go get 'em" attitude, but you know, I did spend time with myself. I needed to relearn who I am and how I think, and watching Roseanne make jokes but also offer some really interesting social commentary and personal insights was really helpful to me, and doing it while stoned just made it all the more awesome.

Some thoughts

2007-05-01T17:52:00.000-04:00

I spent some time with my little cousins Nicholas and Andrew this weekend in Rhode Island, and the time I spent with them has made me refelct on a few things. About life I guess :-P

On Sunday I went to their house after I got off work. They live in a really nice upper class rural development that was built among the trees, rather than being built on a plot of land that was cleared of all trees within a 50 mile radius. The houses are huge, and tucked back behind long driveways. So anyways, I spent some time there, and the two kids wanted me to go for a bike ride with them, so of course I was all for it. So we went down the street and up this tiny little incline. Not even a hill. Just an incline. And they both had to walk their bikes up the hill. Now, I am not trying to be hard on little kids. I'm not. I understand that they're 9 and 12 years old. But when my sister and I were 9 and 12 years old we were riding our bikes for literally miles and miles and miles up and down hills, through the woods in Blue Hills, along railroad tracks in Hyde Park. We never had to get off our bikes and walk up an incline that can hardly be called a hill.

The reason for their inability to make it up the hill? We arrived back at the house just ten minutes after leaving, and they said to me that they wanted to go up to the "sheep hill" to see the sheep and play the car game. So they got their electric scooters. *sigh* Not even 10 years ago my sister and I would have been riding our bikes up the "sheep hill" to see the sheep and play games. Now they have electric scooters so their skinny white little legs don't have to do the work. Their skinny white little legs have no muscles. They play baseball and do karate, but how much does that really count when you're a kid and go to Karate 90 minutes a week and spend the rest of the time in the house on the computer or on your gameboy? I know that what I am saying is nothing new: that kids spend too much time in front of computers instead of playing outside. But now, even when they DO go outside, they have electric scooters to do the work for them. I just don't understand.

Tour de France

2007-04-26T19:10:00.000-04:00

The Tour de France is in July, and it dominates my month of July. I found this online, and I like it.

You are obsessed with the Tour de France (or cycling I guess) if...

- you can place any rider with his team
- can pronounce all the rider's names
- think "BOBKE" is the funniest announcer of all time
- laugh at Jan Ullrich and the nation of France's constant defeat
-wake up at 8:30am to watch the entire Tour for the day
-find yourself watching The Tour multiple times during the day
-know what channel OLN is, and you know now they are changing their name to "VERSUS"
-you feel pity for poor Juan Antonio Flecha for always being the the +100km breakaways and always being caught
-wish your name was Ewen McEwen like Robbie's son
-dont understand why anyone would let Floyd Landis get in an 7 minute breakaway on one of the last stages
-KNOW Floyd is innocent

So yea I cannot wait for the Tour de France in July. I think Basso is gonna win. Well, duh. Basso is gonna win.

So anyways, I went to the gym again today and I feel great again today. I pushed myself harder today, and.....no headache! It's amazing! I definitely feel something going on though. Some sort of tension, or something weird going on inside my head, but it's not a headache, and that's all that matters right now. It was great though. I used the indoor bike for 45 minutes, then used the rowing machine for 20 minutes, then did my abs. I could do more work at harder intensity, because I did last year, but like I said, I need to take it slow to see where my limits are as far as this headache situation goes. I can feel myself getting leaner though. It's great. I'm gonna be great in just a few months, and then I am gonna crush some souls at my triathlon. And my uniform for the triathlon? A hot pink T-mobile team jersey (from their cycling team...see Jan Ullrich on the side of my journal). THAT will surely crush souls, and I would like to thank Matt for the idea.

Soul Crushing

2007-04-25T21:10:00.000-04:00

Hi. I am updating from my aunt’s computer at her house. My laptop broke. It sucks. My ipod also broke, and that also sucks. I am without technology. Anyways, I have a lot to say tonight.

I am exercising regularly again. It’s amazing. I feel great. In fact, I feel fantastic. I’ve already lost 8 pounds since I started my new diet, and I don’t want to get super skinny, but I do want my old figure back. The athletic one. Now I am just fat. And do not say that I am not. All of my muscle tissue turned to fat, and I gained about 20 pounds. It needs to go. I wouldn’t mind only losing a total of 10 in the end if it meant I got back all my muscle mass. I want to be even better than before, though. And I know I can do it. I am doing it, actually. I am eating really healthy, too. My eating habits needed to change big time. Now I am eating a light breakfast. Some toast and some low fat cream cheese, some fruit, some egg whites with lots and lots of onions in them, and some tea. Then a small sandwich for lunch with a small portion of meat on it and a small salad with vinegar and then a piece of fruit. Then for dinner I eat either whatever my mother makes if I am at home (and I eat small portions and she has always cooked really healthy for as long as I can remember), or I’ll have some tuna and a salad or a little bit of pasta and a salad. I keep it light. During the day I snack as well on granola bars or fruit. I make sure I keep reasonable amounts of fat in my meals so I don’t starve myself and go crazy with cravings. That is very important. (ZONE dieting!).

I always go off on tangents. The exercise. Ok. So I am working out now again. I went to the gym today at URI and had a fun time. I went by myself, but I got to observe all the hot boys. I had forgotten how many hot boys there are at the gym. At the URI gym I can use the indoor bike and see directly into the weight room where all the guys are. Mmm. The girl riding the bike next to me laughed at me today for staring at this one guy pretty blatantly. His calves were gorgeous. I couldn’t help it. They were perfect. Perfect shape, perfect color, perfect amount of hair, perfect amount of muscle (not too too much). Anyways, the girl saw me staring and laughed and made a comment to me about it. Aye. Anyhoo, I am not getting headaches after I exercise anymore, but I am also not pushing myself as hard as I used to. I know I can push myself harder, but I am so scared to out of fear of getting another pounding after-exercise headache. I know it’s because my cardiovascular system is fucked because of Imitrex, and it’s just going to take time to fix everything, but I still need to see a cardiologist about it. Anyways, at least I am not getting headaches. I am going to try to push myself harder tomorrow at the gym though just to see what happens. I won’t go all out like I used to and crush every soul of the weak, but I will crush many souls. It’s just frustrating being afraid to push yourself as hard as you can because you’re afraid that you’re going to get a massive headache afterwards, and you don’t even know exactly why. And I get so fucking mad now at people who pussy out at the gym and don’t push themselves as hard as they can, or give up, because they don’t know how god damn lucky they are that they even can do those things. That they have the ability to push themselves. I haven’t had that for such a long time. I might have it back cuz I am off of the Imitrex, but for two years I lived in fear of getting a headache, or I would actually get a massive headache, and these fuckers pussy out and don’t push themselves when they have the ability to.

God. I get so mad. I have so much anger and I am such a young woman. It’s a good thing I’ve found again my resources to which I can vent.

Providence College

2007-04-22T00:22:00.000-04:00

I needed last night so bad. I went to Providence College to visit my old roommates and old friends, and it was a blast. I got there at around 3:30 so we could just hang out for a bit before we got trashed, so we hung out like old times. I miss last year. I love URI, and I love my classes, and the people are great, but my first year at PC was a year I will never, ever forget. The late nights at Fenel with Isabel, Skankaroo, and all the boys. And playing beer pong until we couldn't stand anymore, then stumbling back to Ray (our dorm) and heating up some Ramen. Then passing out drunk as all hell. Then waking up in the morning to go down to brunch to get some food. Then repeating the same process for Saturday night. Then there were the occasional angry nights. Either Callan, Isabel or I would end up in tears after having about 17 drinks. Callan would be angry at her friends, and Isabel and I would be angry at two specific boys who were in our lives. We'd end up in tears, comfort each other, and then make some ramen and go to bed, and everything would be ok.

The only problem I had, though, was I thought that just that alone was the solution to all my problems. I thought that drinking all the time and partying would help me move on, but it didn't. I was just so exhausted from certain things from high school that I didn't want to put more energy into dealing with any of it. So I have my secrets, I did my things, I drank a lot of alcohol, and I thought it would solve my problems, and it didn't. Instead I ended up back where I was on September 1, 2005. Confused. Don't get me wrong. It was the best few months of my life, but for solving problems, it was also the worst, and it still leaves me confused to this day. I am getting better at solving it, but it still is confusing as to how it was the best months of my life in some ways, and the worst months of my life in some ways.

Anyways. Tangent. Last night was amazing. I didn't do it to hide my probles from myself. I went out because I needed to be with my girl friends and I needed to have fun. And I need to flirt with hot guys at the bars, and I needed to dance with hot guys at Clubbies, and I needed to dance with my friends. I needed to drink heavily, and boy did I drink heavily. We pregamed in the Suites and played beer pong. Then we headed out to Clubbies, where I got myself totally fucking trashed. I sucked back long island iced teas and shots of vodka like kool aid. And I talked to guys and I danced, and it was amazing. It was liberating. Then we went back to the suites and ordered pizza, and I drunk dialed lots of friends, and it was just like last year again. Amazing.

So I will solve my problems correctly this time. I just needed last night to party. And it helped me so, so, so much. Thank you, Providence College.

good song

2007-04-16T23:40:00.000-04:00

A lot has been going on. All I have to say is:

You must think I'm a fool
So prosaic and awkward and all
D'you think you've got me down?
D'you think I've never been out of this town?

Do I seem too eager to please to you now?
You don't know me at all
I can't turn it on, turn it off like you now
I'm not like you now

Now you're here
I bet you're wishing you could disappear
I'm trying to be kind
I get the feeling you're just killing time

You look down on me
Don't you look down on me now
You don't know me at all
A slap in the face
In the face for you now
Just might do now

You're leaving so soon
Never had a chance to bloom
But you were so quick
To change your tune
Don't look back
If I'm a weight around your neck
Cos if you don't need me
I don't need you

Leaving so soon, soon
Leaving, leaving so, soon

You're leaving so soon
Never had a chance to bloom
But you were so quick
To change your tune
Don't look back
If I'm a weight around your neck
Cos if you don't need me
Then I don't need you

Next entry we will be back to our regularly scheduled soul crushing.

20 Questions

2007-04-09T17:59:00.000-04:00

Time for 20 Questions.

1. Where were you born?

Dorchester, Massachusetts at St. Margaret's Hospital. That hospital isn't there anymore. It got torn down.

2. Who was the most important person in your life growing up and why?

Hmm. I'm gonna have to say my father. He introduced me to so many things, like mountain biking, cycling, hiking, nature, camping, enjoying spending time outdoors, etc. All of those things have a huge influence on my life now, so he would probably be considered the most important person in my life growing up. He (and my mother too) also taught my sister and me how to eat healthy when we were really young. When he was training for his mt. bike races, he had to be really, really thin, so he ate really, really healthy, and my sister and I therefore were forced to eat the same things. My mother also never brought all that shit like soda and junk food into the house. I think my sister and I would get soda once a month, but that's it. Sometimes junk food. But not often at all. Anyways, now I am doing the cycling thing again, and I am going to join the URI cycling club/team next year, and it's because of being introduced to it by my father at such a young age, and right now cycling is a big part of my life.

3. What's your favorite color?

I've always liked dark red colors, or dark blues. Light blue is nice too.

4. What is your favorite movie?

I dunno if I have just one. Silence of the Lambs is one of my favorites. I also think the Truman Show is great, As Good As It Gets is great, Little Miss Sunshine is awesome. And Contact has always been one of my all time favorites. I'm more of a book person, though.

5. Do you think people have a soul, however you would define that?

In some ways, yes. Not really in the traditional Catholic way I was taught, though. I think everything has some sort of soul that doesn't die, but just kinda sticks around doing something. Who knows. I don't think anything is without some sort of soul though.

6. Do you believe in the possibility that God exists?

I believe some sort of god exists, but not the Christian/Catholic god I was raised to believe. I think everything all goes back to some sort of creative power or force in the universe, if that makes any sense. What that is we don't know, and can't know, so killing each other over it is fucking stupid. Let's focus on what's here on this earth for now, and how those things work, and how we work with each other.

7. Have you ever gone bungee jumping?

Nope. I would try it though if I had the opportunity to.

8. If you could solve one, and only one, moral problem, what would it be?

Religious intolerance. I want everyone to shut the fuck up about it. If you're a Christian, that is awesome. But YOU are a Christian. Do not force it onto your children, do not make your children feel guilty if you think they are not living up to Christian standards, and do not preach your beliefs to anyone else. The same goes for Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Druids, Buddhists, or whatever else you want to be. And with the Islamic states, I see something really flawed in the way they choose to run their governments as a fundamentalist religious state. I see religion as a deeply personal choice, so why you would force that onto anyone else, including your children, is something I cannot understand.

9. Do you believe that there might be aliens out there who have visted the earth from time to time?

I think there are other things out there. They might have visted the earth. Who knows. But there definitely has to be something more out there. Like the movie Contact says, "If we're alone out there, that's an awful waste of space." I think that's true.

10. Did you have a pet growing up?

We had cats from the time I was born. But then one of the cats died, and the other went crazy and would sit on our roof all day and night and howl at the sky, so we put her to sleep because she was going insane. So we got a new cat named Misty, and she had no claws, so every time she would get outside (accidentally) she would pick fights with squirrels and get her ass kicked because she had no way to defend herself. Then we got a dog. His name was George, but he died when I was in 9th grade :(

11. Is there a circumstance that would warrant the death penalty?

Never.

12. If you could have a super sense (sight, hearing, smell, touch, or taste) what would it be?

Hmmm. Taste. I love food so much. Having super sensitive taste buds would be awesome.

13. If someone offered you enough money to live on the rest of your life, how much would be enough?

Well, if someone were to offer me money, I would just want enough money to be able to pay off my college debt and then have a little left over afterwards to maybe travel for a month, and then to have enough left over to put into the bank before I start my career. That's all I would need money for. So maybe $100,000? Before taxes of course.

14. How old do you think you'll be when you die?

87.

15. What time did you go to bed last night?

Umm I can't really remember. 1:30 maybe?

16. What are the top three things you like about yourself?

I like that I enjoy spending time outdoors in the woods hiking or biking or something. I like that I want to be a teacher. And I like that I try to be kind to people.

17. If you could have any profession in the world and it would supprt you, what would that be?

I would like to be a writer who also works at like a state park with mountains and stuff. Or like, a mountain tour guide or something, leading expeditions up mountains. Not ridiculous mountains like Everest though. I value my life too much to put it into that kind of danger. Just something simple, where the trees are only a few hours away from the top of the mountain. And I would like to write as I do this.

But being a teacher and writing on the side will also keep me really, really happy I think. Jonathan asked me once that if I married a super rich guy and didn't have to work ever again, would I still go into teaching, and I said yes, because it IS something I really want to do. CHILDREN NEED TO LEARN HOW TO READ AND WRITE, DAMMIT! :)

18. If you could go back in time only once, where would you go and when?

Hmmmm. I dunno. Maybe ancient Greece? They seemed to know what was up back in the day. Other time periods I don't know if I could deal with. If I were to live there, I mean. Say, if I went back in time to live in the 1700s, I'd probably go postal. If I were just visiting, though, and could come back, I think I still would visit ancient Greece. What a fascinating place and time.

19. What's your favorite meal?

A nice green, leafy salad with fresh Spinach leaves in it and red onions and green olives to start, and the salad dressing my mom makes, which I think is just olive oil, red wine vinegar, balsamic vinegar, a little bit of honey, mustard powder, and some salt. So good. Then the pasta dish my mom makes that has ziti pasta, olive oil, green peppers, mushrooms, garlic, a little bit of cheese, and prosciutto in it, then baked in the oven. Ugh. SO GOOD.

20. If you wanted to say something that not many people know about you, what would that be?

Hmm. Well there is stuff that no one knows about me. And I mean no one :-P I dunno. I'm extreme. I'm either open to talk about stuff about myself, or absolutely no one knows about some of the things I've done or some of the things about me, so I am probably not too willing to answer that question here, unfortunately. If you get me drunk enough and bond with me enough, maybe I'll talk.

Rain rain rain rain rain

2007-04-05T00:10:00.000-04:00

It's raining right now. And my broken window is to my left. I remember June of 2002 when I was writing in my hand written journal, and it was raining outside, and I was sitting in my room in Franklin, MA, and that window too was broken and to my left. There was a thunderstorm rolling in, and it was warm outside, and all I wanted to do was go outside barefoot and walk around in warm, green, wet moss. I don't know why I wanted to. I think I had been reading The Bell Jar for the 4th time and it got me thinking again. Anyhow, I don't know why, but that memory is one that sticks with me whenever I write in journals, and it makes me sad because I want two write my hand written journal again, but for some reason I don't. Those journals were always so simple. Just a regular college ruled notebook from CVS or Staples or some such store. I would sit down for a couple hours and write, and I would ramble, sort of like I am now, but for some reason it was different. It was easier to write when I was writing by hand. I read in a writing magazine last year an article by some stuck up writer with a PhD in philosophy that said writing hand written journals is amatuer and a waste of time, but it's not. If my words are freer and I can write more, and thus practice more, it's not a waste of my time. He also said that all, and yes, he said ALL, writers who write hand written journals spend obscene amounts of money on leather bound journals at overpriced bookstores that have overpriced coffee shops. But that is also false. I used to write my handwritten journals in 99 cent college ruled notebooks that I got at CVS. I do go to the overpriced coffeeshops in overpriced bookstores, but so what? I like the coffee in overpriced coffeeshops. You can't tell me what my taste buds like.

Goals, goals, goals

2007-04-04T01:33:00.000-04:00

I have a lot I need/want to achieve this summer. It's gonna be amazing, and I will put the work into it. And I am going to do these things by doing small things. By making lists, and setting up smaller, daily goals to reach the bigger goals. This summer I will be working two jobs to earn enough money to pay off Providence College and to pay for a room for next semester. I will probably work at like Stop and Shop a few days/nights during the week and on the weekends, and then a couple nights during week I will waitress (at a real restaurant this time). A certain someone expressed a tiny little bit of doubt that I can do that, but I will show that person that I can. :-P I will also win the Ayn Rand essay contest (for $10k). Also, I will train this summer to do as well as I possibly can in the triathlon that I am doing in September. I will also train to kick ass on the URI cycling team next year. By the end of the summer I will have a body that will crush your soul just by looking at it :-P

Diet Post II; other stuff non-soul crushing, doctors, etc

2007-03-28T15:24:00.000-04:00

My diet has been pretty good lately. I've eating smaller portions and healthier foods. Today I even ate vegan chili! Yesterday I did have a sausage, egg and cheese at Dunkies, but I only ate half, plus I hadn't eaten much in the last 24 hours becuase of my migraine, so I think I deserved that half of a sausage, egg and cheese sandwich. I've lost weight though, thank God. Someone even asked me if I've lost weight! Stuff like that makes my day. It's always nice to hear someone randomly say something nice to you like that, especially when you're trying to lose weight and they don't even know that.

Ok so other stuff:

My father went in for surgery today, and I guess it went well. This is his 4th surgery in 2 years. Wow. Anyways. They found the problem with his knee. It was a tumor in his thigh, pushing on the bone, causing it to be unaligned with his knee or something, which causes his knee to swell and be in constant pain. All this time the doctors were operating on his knee, trying to solve the problem, when there was a big fucking 2 pound tumor in his thigh. If we had money, this problem would have been solved long ago, and it wouldn't have taken 3 surgeries to figure out what is going on. After the first surgery, when his knee didn't get better, the doctors were baffled, so they went in again, and couldn't find anything wrong, and his knee didn't get better, and they were even more confused. But they never really did anything to fix it. It wasn't until my father went to a different doctor and got an MRI of his entire leg that they found the tumor. It's a benign tumor, thank god, but what if it hadn't been? Lazy doctors suck, and if we had money, those doctors would not have been as lazy.

But don't worry, Jonathan. I don't hate all doctors! Just certain ones. I love my neurologist, for example. She was able to admit that she might have been mistaken in giving me a higher dose of Imitrex at first, and when giving me that higher dose didn't help, she took time out of her schedule to help me find out what is going on. She's a good doctor.

Feverfew, and I crushed souls today

2007-03-27T20:51:00.000-04:00

I got a migraine yesterday, as noted in my last journal entry. It didn't go away after getting a good night's sleep, and that was expected, since I didn't take any Imitrex to make it go away. So I suffered for about 24 hours with this stupid headache, fighting it occasionally with Advil and Excedrin. It finally went away fully today at around 3:30ish, which was around when I got it yesterday. But I crushed its soul. I didn't let it beat me. I got up today and did my work, and went to my classes, and I DIDN'T succumb to Imitrex. I didn't take any Imitrex.

Score: Leanne 1, Imitrex 0

Score: Leanne 1, Migraines 0

Also, along with the Magnesium, I am gonna start taking this herbal thing called Feverfew, which is supposed to help with migraines. I've had little luck with synthetic pain killers (advil, excedrin, imitrex), so I figure I have nothing to lose in at least trying it out. If it doesn't work, I will just dump it. Don't worry though (someone has expressed concern). I'm not jumping off the deep end and saying all synethtic drug drugs are bad bad bad and they all should be ditched for natural remedies and that doctors are bad. Cuz I am still one two medications to prevent migraines. I just don't have many options as far as pain killers for migraines go, so I figured I have nothing to lose in at least trying the herbal supplements for migraines.

Magnesium

2007-03-26T17:51:00.000-04:00

I have a headache today, and I am not taking any Imitrex to get rid of it. I'm not sure where this headache came from. It might be caffeine withdrawal since I only had half of a cup of coffee today. It started feeling like a sinus headache sort of, and now it's above my right eye where all my migraines/tension headaches are. I took a couple of Excedrin to get rid of it, but of course it hasn't worked, which is why I started taking the Imitrex in the first place. I am going to take Alleive in a couple hours if it doesn't go away though. And do some yoga. If it doesn't go away I am going to have to ride it out, because that Imitrex is just so fucking horrible.

But I am taking magnesium supplements now, and it's really helping. I have been reading online and found that lots of people with migraines have migraines because they have magnesium deficiencies, because magnesium helps to regulate blood flow in the blood vessels in the brain. So if you are proned to migraines and don't get enough magnesium, chances are you are going to have problems. So my doctor and I decided that it would be good for me to take magnesium every day, and since I started taking the magnesium I have noticed a difference. I haven't had the tension headaches I've been getting lately, and I just feel like there isn't that persisting pressure in my head all the time.

I read online that a study was done with people who have migraines, and these people were treated with just magnesium, and 85% of the people experienced immediate relief from their chronic migraines. I really hope this helps with the exercise problem, since the general consesus seems to be that my blood vessels are the cause of my exercise headache. They aren't dilating correctly, so my brain isn't getting enough oxygen when I exercise, so I get a headache. And all of this has been caused by lovely Imitrex. So magnesium should hopefully help to reverse the effects of the Imitrex, and my exercising will go back to normal.

In other news, Anthony Monetti is my new role model and inspiration. (but he will never usurp the position of Der Jan).

2007-03-25T16:33:00.001-04:00

I am now swearing off fast food and soda. No more.