Y Tu Mama Tambien

I watched a movie the other night. It made me think. If I found out I had cancer, and I knew I was going to die in a month, what will I have left behind? Will I be happy with what I've done and experienced?

I want to go here:











(Bolivia)


And I want to go here:










(Santa Cruz, Bolivia)



I also want to go to Alaska, California, Nepal, France, England, and Germany. And I want to do it before I am 30. And I want to write about it, for me.

I also want to move somewhere outside of New England. But where? And when? When will I travel? Will I travel by myself? Would it be better for me to travel by myself?

When can I do all of this? I also need to get a teaching job right away out of school and start paying off my student loans. I get so stressed out about these things, and I know I shouldn't.

I just don't want to be that person who always says, "I'm going to do this, and this, and this, and that!" but never does any of it, and instead goes through the same dance every day of work, some necessary socializing with other humans, and sleep. I don't want to be that person, but I have been that person so far.

In the movie Little Miss Sunshine, one of the characters, Dwayne, says towards the end of the movie, "You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest. "

Life is one (fucking) beauty contest after another. Where is the time to do what you love, or to do SOMETHING else? You have to make time, and when you make time, people label you as a "slacker," or "irresponsible," or a "dreamer," or "silly," or as "living in his/her own fantasy land" (or something like that, you know what I mean). People think I don't live in the "real world," whatever the "real world" is, like I am somehow living in an alternate universe.

Well, I'm not living in an alternate universe. I just hate that I'm stuck doing some stupid dance, or going through one beauty contest after another, when I shouldn't be wasting my time with that. I should be doing other things, but instead I write about it in a blog, or in a notebook, and then close the notebook, and go back to work, back to the same dance, the same beauty contest. Once I graduate, fuck it, I'm taking a road trip somewhere, and everybody can suck it.