more thoughts on creativity and why it sucks

School completely and totally sucks every ounce of creativity out of my body. I cannot possibly be creative, invest myself in creativity, live creativity, be creativity, if I am constantly trying to get by in academia. My thoughts right now are only on the epistemology exam I have to take Thursday, and when I am going to find time to study for that. And when am I going to find time to read (again) The Awakening and Mary Barton? Perhaps I should not have pissed my entire Monday away by trying to write something creative (for a class even, but nonetheless, I am investing WAY too much time and creative energy into it). Every night I am left lying in bed, planning my next day, planning when I can read such and such chapter, such and such book, and write such and such literary analysis paper. Sometimes I just want to move to some unknown city (unknown as it, I have never been to it before) and put all my time into working (obviously, so I can eat) and being creative, and writing. Sometimes I realize I can do that HERE while working, but not until I've graduated. Ugh. It's such a mess. It's a sad day when one realizes and fully understands how much energy and time it takes to be "creative." I can't just set aside an hour a day for "creativity" as though I were setting aside an hour a day for exercise, or reading. It's a full time commitment, like having a child, which, actually, is probably why when so many women artists or musicians have children, a huge change in their work is very noticeable (see Tori Amos, Sylvia Plath). Sigh. I want to graduate badly. School has never been my strong area because of reasons like this.