Y Tu Mama Tambien

I watched a movie the other night. It made me think. If I found out I had cancer, and I knew I was going to die in a month, what will I have left behind? Will I be happy with what I've done and experienced?

I want to go here:











(Bolivia)


And I want to go here:










(Santa Cruz, Bolivia)



I also want to go to Alaska, California, Nepal, France, England, and Germany. And I want to do it before I am 30. And I want to write about it, for me.

I also want to move somewhere outside of New England. But where? And when? When will I travel? Will I travel by myself? Would it be better for me to travel by myself?

When can I do all of this? I also need to get a teaching job right away out of school and start paying off my student loans. I get so stressed out about these things, and I know I shouldn't.

I just don't want to be that person who always says, "I'm going to do this, and this, and this, and that!" but never does any of it, and instead goes through the same dance every day of work, some necessary socializing with other humans, and sleep. I don't want to be that person, but I have been that person so far.

In the movie Little Miss Sunshine, one of the characters, Dwayne, says towards the end of the movie, "You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest. "

Life is one (fucking) beauty contest after another. Where is the time to do what you love, or to do SOMETHING else? You have to make time, and when you make time, people label you as a "slacker," or "irresponsible," or a "dreamer," or "silly," or as "living in his/her own fantasy land" (or something like that, you know what I mean). People think I don't live in the "real world," whatever the "real world" is, like I am somehow living in an alternate universe.

Well, I'm not living in an alternate universe. I just hate that I'm stuck doing some stupid dance, or going through one beauty contest after another, when I shouldn't be wasting my time with that. I should be doing other things, but instead I write about it in a blog, or in a notebook, and then close the notebook, and go back to work, back to the same dance, the same beauty contest. Once I graduate, fuck it, I'm taking a road trip somewhere, and everybody can suck it.

Spring break work

I have so much work I've been doing this spring break, but I am actually getting a lot of it done!

For spring break I have to:
-(re)read The Awakening
-Read 7 critical essays written about The Awakening
-Read When I Was Puerto Rican (memoir)
-Read Madame Bovary
-Read The Warden
-Read 3 essays in literary theory
-Summarize the 3 essays on literary theory
-Write 2 pages of writing project, do memo sheet
-Write 15 pages of writing project for WMS 490 (its a 30 page project)
-Research for Madame Bovary presentation

The things in bold are the things I've done so far. So all the big things are out of the way. Now I just have to finish the rest! Yay for spring breaks to get caught up on work.

bicycle

I am on my spring break! And I am starting it off by doing what I love to do most! Riding my bicycle!

Spring break is almost here!!! I can't wait to workout all week and drink tea and read!!!

I am so fucking tired. Is it 10:00 yet? Is it? Is it? I want to go to bed. Spring break, please come quickly. I know I will be using you only to catch up on work, but still, I can sleep and wake whenever I feel like it. Bah! And I can make jasmine tea all day while I do work! This sucks.

Seriously

Seriously, my life sucks this week. UGH. Class 8-5 tomorrow, then work 5-10, then on Wednesday I have to write a 6 page paper, and I have no idea what I am going to write about. Great.

Veins

I am feeling so completely unmotivated the past three days. It’s horrible. I wanted to get up at 7 this morning, but that didn’t happen. I suppose getting 3 hours of sleep the night before, and then having to go to class 8-5, then work 5-10 didn’t help that. By the time I got to bed last night (around 11), I was exhausted. So I slept until 9, got up, took a shower, watched tv, then came here to the library, where I am doing nothing but updating my blog, drinking coffee, and reading messageboards. I have to go to work at 1. Sucks. After work I have to study for my philosophy exam. Also sucks. I have to be able to articulate fully the “brain in a vat” problem for the exam. I have a lot of trouble articulating myself with philosophy, which I guess IS one of the essential problems of philosophy. If you can’t articulate yourself, you’re not much of a philosopher now, are you?

I have this vein that runs across the top of my temple on the right side of my head, and whenever I get a migraine or get really stressed out, this vein pops out and I can run my finger across it and feel it. This vein used to pop out only when I had a migraine or was extremely stressed. Lately, however, the vein has been perpetually visible on the side of my head. That is how this semester is going.

I think the girl sitting next to me is on coke. She is tweaking out and is always looking around behind her, acting all paranoid. Cocaine is bad, mmkay?

more thoughts on creativity and why it sucks

School completely and totally sucks every ounce of creativity out of my body. I cannot possibly be creative, invest myself in creativity, live creativity, be creativity, if I am constantly trying to get by in academia. My thoughts right now are only on the epistemology exam I have to take Thursday, and when I am going to find time to study for that. And when am I going to find time to read (again) The Awakening and Mary Barton? Perhaps I should not have pissed my entire Monday away by trying to write something creative (for a class even, but nonetheless, I am investing WAY too much time and creative energy into it). Every night I am left lying in bed, planning my next day, planning when I can read such and such chapter, such and such book, and write such and such literary analysis paper. Sometimes I just want to move to some unknown city (unknown as it, I have never been to it before) and put all my time into working (obviously, so I can eat) and being creative, and writing. Sometimes I realize I can do that HERE while working, but not until I've graduated. Ugh. It's such a mess. It's a sad day when one realizes and fully understands how much energy and time it takes to be "creative." I can't just set aside an hour a day for "creativity" as though I were setting aside an hour a day for exercise, or reading. It's a full time commitment, like having a child, which, actually, is probably why when so many women artists or musicians have children, a huge change in their work is very noticeable (see Tori Amos, Sylvia Plath). Sigh. I want to graduate badly. School has never been my strong area because of reasons like this.