Morning Kitchen Floor

Christmas is over. I had a good Christmas this year. I got a new bike helmet from Santa. It's gorgeous. I also got new bike pedals from Santa. They match my bike. The ones on my bike now are icky and old and gross. These are cool. They're Look pedals. I can't wait to get back out on my bike. I miss it so much :( I think I'll start riding in February as long as the temperature stays above 40 degrees. I can tolerate weather above 40. If it's below 40 I'd rather just stay indoors. Actually, i just checked and it's 42 right now. Maybe I'll start riding sooner. We'll see. I'm not waiting until April to ride though.

I got a ton of books for Christmas that I need to read now. I am currently working on Brother Odd by Dean Koontz, but I didn't get that one for Christmas this year. My next book to read will be Lolita I think. Then Red Dragon, then maybe a Joyce Carol Oates book. Ahhh so many books to read! So little time. Next semester is approaching quickly, and I will not be able to read for fun until the summer :(

Jonathan also got me a gorgeous, gorgeous necklace. It's so beautiful. I want to wear it all the time, but it's so delicate and fragile I am afraid I will break it!

After speaking with someone about how I should start publishing my poetry, I received an email from the English department asking for poetry submissions from English majors for a new literary magazine the English department will be publishing at the end of the spring semester, called The Independent Scribe. I am going to submit a couple of poems, I think. Perhaps even one in Latin. I have one poem in a rough draft-type format that I want to finish. Maybe that one will be sent off for publication. It's called Morning Kitchen Floor. It needs a lot of work, but it has a lot of potential. Sigh.

Is there anything else happening in my life? I'm working at Papa Gino's again over Christmas break. My first shift back was on Wednesday. It was really weird. It reminded me of the summer when I was riding every day, then going to work, or riding one day, and working all day the next, trying to make myself no so scatterbrained. Also, my work pants are small for me! Over the summer, when I was riding my bike almost daily, my pants were big. Now that I have my winter blubber, they are too small! So I am therefore working out every day now. Speaking of which, I need to go workout in about 1o minutes.

I saw Santa today. He drove down my street.

Christmas is almost here.

1. Will you have a boyfriend/girlfriend this christmas?
Yes.

2. Have you been naughty or nice this year?
Nice, I think.

3. What is the most expensive thing on your christmas list
New bike pedals because the ones I have on there now are about 15 years old. The new pedals I want are Look pedals and they are $146 and they are red and silver and match my bike!!!

4. What do you want this year?
I want to have a nice, relaxing, semi-drunken Christmas with my family. And I want books.

5. Do you still believe in santa ?
Hell yea. I remember living in Hyde Park, and we (we being my sister Allyson and I because we shared a room) had a skylight window above our two beds, and I used to try to stay awake on Christmas Eve to see Santa's sleigh and reindeer land on the roof, and I used to think that the clanking of the heat moving through the pipes was Santa's sleigh landing on the roof.

6. Which is your favorite reindeer?
I guess Rudolph is.

7.Big tree or small tree ?
Big.

8. What do you leave for santa?
Cookies for Santa and a carrot for his reindeer.

9. Do you get a lot of presents?
Not really. Usually books and DVDs.

10. What is your favorite christmas movie ?
A Christmas Story!

11. What is your favorite christmas song ?
I hate Christmas songs. Actually, I loathe Christmas songs. Christmas songs can suck it.

12. Red, Green, or White lights?
White.

13. What is your christmas wish?
Snow.

14. How many days left until christmas?
3!!!!

15. How will you spend christmas?
At home, with my family and Jonathan.

16. Do you still wake up early on christmas morning?
Yep, because I have a 6 year old sister and an 8 year old sister who still believe in Santa.

17. Do you still get presents from santa?
Yeppers.

18. Any christmas traditions?
We always decorate the house/tree the day after Thanksgiving. Umm, we have a "Christmas calendar." It has a mouse in it and we move the mouse every day it gets closer to Christmas. We get drunk. My mom has been making cinnamon buns every Christmas morning since I was like 2 after we open presents under the tree. I think that's it for Christmas traditions.

19.How was last christmas?
Average, I think.

20. Is your house decorated?
A bit yes.

21. Do you get all dressed up ?
Sometimes.

22. Have you gone to any christmas parties this year ?
No. I was supposed to, but it fell through. I am going to a Christmas party tonight.

23. Favortie christmas memory?
Hmmmmmm. I am not sure. I have a lot of favorite Christmas memories.

24.When i say christmas what is the first thing that comes to mind?
Green and red. Christmas trees.

25.Ever get your heart broken on christmas day?
I don't believe so.

1. Where were you at 2:02 AM this morning?
Asleep in my bed, cuddling with my blankets, which I am also about to do now.

2. What was the first thing you thought this morning?
Shit. I have essays to write.

3. Is the person you like older or younger than you?
The person I like? I like a lot of people! Well, that's a lie. Most people anger me. There are a few people whom I like.

4. What did you do last night?
Worked on a paper.

5.what are your plans for the weekend?
VERMONT! WITH JONATHAN! Cuz he's the best ever and surprised me with the trip!

6. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?
I hope so.

7. What are you listening to?
Friends (on TV).

8. Have you ever told someone of the same sex you loved them and meant it?
Yes, but not romantically.

9. How's your heart lately?
My heart? Trying to relax.

10. What were you doing at 7 AM?
Sleeping.

12. Are there any previous relationships you wish could have lasted longer?
I guess you could say yes.

13. What was the reason you last cried?
You don't want to know. Either that, or I don't want to say.

15. What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
American Gangster.

16. How did you meet the 3rd person on your myspace?
I met her when she shot out of my mother's uterus in a bloody mess.

17. How old is he/she?
17.

18. Have you ever driven without a license?
Yep.

31. Do you drink tea?
Every day.

32. When was the last time you saw a cop?
I don't know?

33. Did you ride in someone else's car today?
Yes.

34. Do you wet the toothbrush before the toothpaste?
Yes. That is a necessity.

35. Does someone like you?
I hope so.

36. What do you like on your toast?
Butter.

37. Where do you like to keep your money?
A bank?

38. Do you watch the news daily?
I read the news daily.

40. Do you like to press the coin return button on everything for free money?
Not really.

42. Do you clean when you’re upset?
No. If I am upset I cry. Then I watch tv. If it's during the summer, I'll ride my bike.

43. Where do you want to get married?
Anywhere but a church. And no cheesy Hall or anything like that. Someplace cool. Maybe outside.

44. What day of the week did/will your birthday fall on this year?
SUPERBOWL SUNDAY BITCHES!

45. Are you wearing socks?
Barefoot as of right now.

46. Would you ever dye your hair blonde?
No. I don't like to look fake.

47. Did you wear clip on/stick on earrings as a child?
No.

48. Have you ever seen “Walk the Line”?
No. Random question.

19. Do you still get Easter baskets?
Yep.

50. When was the last time it snowed?
Here? Last week.

51. Are puddles the best part about rain?
No. Puddles are the worst part about rain. The lack of sunshine is the best part of rain. And the drops of water dripping off trees.

52. What’s the closest pink thing to you?
A Scooby Doo coloring book. Wait, no. My pants, lol.

53. Do you have plans for tonight?
Bed. Cuddling with my blankets. With lots of blankets. Lots and lots and lots of blankets.

54. Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
No.

55. Do you know anybody named Eric?
Yes.

56. Are your nails painted?
Yes.

60. Can you sing all the RENT songs by heart?
No.

62. Red or green apples?
Green apples with peanut butter.

63. Do you know anyone who’s pregnant?
I don't think so.

64. Can you make brownies without having to look at the directions?
Um no. I messed up making Jello once, and I was looking at the directions.

65. Do you like juicy fruit gum?
No.

66. Are crayons better than colored pencils?
No.

67. Do you have hairspray in your hair?
No.

68. Where are you?
Living room.

70. Have you brushed your teeth yet today?
Yes.

72. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?
Sometimes.

73. What are you seriously wearing?
A pair of pink and white pajama pants, a Red Sox tshirt, and a Moosehead Lake sweatshirt.

75. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night?
Occasionally.

77. Could you live without a computer?
I supposed.

78. Is anyone on your bad side right now?
Most of the human race is on my bad side right now, but it's not worth it to care.

79. What jewelry are you wearing?
A necklace.

80. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
Sometimes when my mom watches it. Other than that, no, I do not, because it is the worst fucking show I have ever seen in my entire fucking life. I'd rather let killer ants slowly kill me day after day for a month while I am locked in a cold, dark, wet closet, naked, with no food, and while lying on a bed of nails than watch that show again.

81. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
A lot, but I don't wear all of them. I don't feel like counting them.

82. Have you ever been to Georgia?
No. I don't plan on visiting Georgia. I'd rather let killer ants slowly kill me day after day for a month while I am locked in a cold, dark, wet closet, naked, with no food, and while lying on a bed of nails than visit Georgia. Wait, what?

83. Do you watch movies with your parents?
Sometimes.

84. Do you go online every day?
Pretty much.

Hi. I think it's safe to post this in here now. Today we are having a surprise birthday party for my aunt Elaine's 50th birthday. It's fun. We all think she knows already but whatevs. It's gonna be fun. I am gonna be drunk. Jonathan is coming over too. Wheeee!


Vermont in less than a week!

Something else I found while digging through my old journal, and I had to post it!!!

Signs and Symptoms of Inner Peace:

1. Tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fear based on past experiences

2. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment

3. Loss of interest in judging other people

4. Loss of interest in judging self

5. Loss of interest in interpretating actions of others

6. Loss of interest in conflict

7. Loss of ability to worry (a very serious symptom)

8. Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation

9. Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature

10. Frequent attacks of smiling through the eyes from the heart

11. Increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen

12. Increased susceptibility to let things happen rather than make them happen

If you have all or even most of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition may be too far advanced to turn back. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting several of these symptoms, remain exposed at your own risk. This condition of Inner Peace is likely well into its infectious stage. Be forewarned.

"My kid always asks me questions I don't know the answers to. Like for example, 'Dad, if homosexuals don't reproduce, why are there so many of them?'"

I was reading some of my old journal entries in my deadjournal this morning. I found one entry that I kind of remember writing. I think I am going to use it for my writing class next year. It's one of those gems that you write down and save because you might not be able to use it as soon as you write it, but you know it's going to come in handy some day. Well, over 2 years after I wrote it, it's going to come in handy. The beauty of writing. I love writing.

Here's the entry, from Wednesday, August 10, 2005, posted at 10:26 pm.

To ease that sense of loss, the sense of betrayal, the disbelief and the anger, the love and the resentment, the inability to decide if I regretted everything I did, or if I appreciated what I did because it changed me and led me in a direction that could benefit me in the long run, to slow the thoughts that never stopped coming into my head, the memories, the memories of anger, the memories of feeling like nothing would interrupt my feeling of euphoria, I would have to find something strong enough that would make my brain focus on that, and only that. And not even yoga could allow for that kind of required attention and commitment. Instead it had to be a strong, red travel mug of the strongest coffee I could possibly brew without overdoing it and giving myself a caffeine headache. Making coffee like that was always a challenge I enjoyed, for not only am I normally a tea person, but I suffer from migraines that are unable to be described to anyone else, even those who suffer migraines as I do. If I have too much caffeine, I will get a migraine. If I have no caffeine, I will get a migraine. If I drink too much warm water, I will get a migraine. If I don't eat often enough I will get a migraine. My list could continue for another three pages and extend to more than just food related ailments, but I will spare you the tedious reading.

But nothing is as tedious as having to actually search for something, some act or some food or drink strong enough to make me feel empowered. In the mornings it is tea in front of my computer. In the afternoon it is the strongest coffee I can possibly brew, and in the evenings, it is a glass of red wine and a book, and sitting in my bed and reading. In my books there are people I would like to know in real life. I try to convince myself as I am reading that I can someday be as they are, even if they are the epitome of imperfection. At least they are the epitome of something.

But having to rely on that tea, coffee, and wine on a daily basis to get the thoughts out of my head is almost as frustrating as the thoughts I am trying to repel.

I often wonder why I can't move on from a mistake, or from a bad experience or memory. Why I need to bury my face into a pillow and convince myself that the other person in that memory, mistake is not thinking right now of the mistake I made. Perhaps is not even thinking of me right now if I am lucky. I wish as the coffee pours down my throat, making the muscles connecting my fore arm to my upper arm jittery with the sudden rush of caffeine, that I am never thought about and never contemplated. Things would be easier that way for me, and for those I often hurt, and for those who hurt me.



I would edit that entry, though. There are a few parts that I don't particularly like. Some sentences seem contrived and whining. But that's the entry, and I am going to use it next semester in that writing class. (that 400something level class). That entry still applies to me now, too. That last paragraph is something I still think about every day.


Over Christmas break this year I am going to not work too much at Papa Gino's (I am going to see if they will let me work 2 days a week. If not, I'm not going to work at all. I have enough money saved to pay my rent and not have to work over Christmas break). My mother said if I help out around the house and drive the kids to school every day, she won't kill me for not working. So anyhow, the plan is not to work so much and to get other things done. I have a long list of books I have to read. I also have to write. A lot. A lot a lot.

It's really cold outside now. The past two weeks have been kind of crazy for me. School has been crazy, and I don't know how I feel about it. Going through a mid-life crisis at the age of 20 while I am in college is not the best time to go through one of those crises. It takes away from my school work. But also, while doing some digging in my old journal entries this morning, I found this entry, which is a passage from the novel Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver. It describes what I think about every single day, and every time I sit down to write another essay, or to respond to more questions in the back of a textbook, or to study for another midterm.

"You're not big enough to break my heart. I'm not some schoolgirl, give me a little credit. But I'm not sure I can be like you, either."

"What do you mean, 'like me'?"

"Living with no plans at all. I keep bumping into walls." She rolled onto her back, unable to look at him anymore. "When I moved up here I thought I'd be just like the pheobes and wood thrushes. Concentrate on every day as it came, get through the winter, rejoice in the summer. Eat, sleep, sing hallelujah."

"Eat, sleep, screw, sing hallelujah."

"Well, yeah." She covered her face with both hands and rubbed her eyes. "The birds were getting a lot more action than me. But you know what? Turns out they do have a plan. I'm an outsider, I'm just watching. They're all doing their own little piece of this big, rowdy, thing. Their plan is the persistence of life on earth, and they are working on it, let me tell you."

"You're persisting."

"In a real limited way. When I'm dead, what have I made that stays here? A master's thesis in the U.T. library, which eleven people on the face of the earth have read or ever will."


Why couldn't I have started thinking about these things when I turn 22? Why did they have to start when I was 18 and entering Providence College? Was it something that happened in my life around that first semester when I went to PC that started my thought process on all of this? Why do my thoughts on these things have to interfere with my work? No, I am not talking about love or romance. Those things do not have an effect on my work. Other thoughts. Why, for example, can't we (humans) eat, sleep, screw, sing hallelujah? Why do we do this ridiculous dance? We're animals, after all. Why can't we be content with just living? Is it a part of human nature to strive for more? I don't always strive for more. Most of the time I am content sitting at home and reading a novel. But then again, if humans didn't strive for more, would I even have these novels to read? These great works that I enjoy would not have been produced. So I guess my question is, why all the pressure for every human to produce more, work harder, make it better? Why can't society be content with those who want to eat, sleep, screw, sing hallelujah? Is that such a crime? When it comes down to it, that's what life is. Eating, sleeping, screwing, and singing hallelujah. So who decided that a person who wants to do those things with his or her life is unmotivated, or worthless? Or less than human? I don't understand. Is there some thing in the sky dictating rules every day for us to live by? Why don't birds have rules dictated to them? They live. We don't.

I am drinking some green and white tea right now. It's very delicious.

Jonathan is the best fucking person EVER. He surprised me with a trip to Vermont for his fraternity's winter formal! We went last year, and it was one of the best weekends I have ever had. Seriously. That weekend went down as the second best weekend of my entire life, so this year's trip can only be better! And he's the best! It was a total surprise! I was not expecting him to go by himself. I had no idea he was planning to go with me. It is exciting. AND it will be the very day after (Friday) I finish ALL my work for the semester. CELEBRATION TIME. Drunk and sexy time, if you ask me.

But, the semester hasn't ended yet, so I have to stay focused! I am off to write a paper now on The Third Man. Then I am going to memorize a poem for my Medieval Lit recitation. Then tomorrow night I am heading home. Wednesday I have to write an 8 page Medieval Lit paper. Thursday morning I will start my Gay and Lesbian lit final paper (has to be 12 pages). I will finish that (hopefully) on Friday because I have all day Friday and all Friday night to finish it. Then Saturday I have something to do but I can't say it here shhhh (you'll find out after Saturday). Then Sunday I have to fucking work 10-5. Then Sunday night I will probably work on finishing up my Gay and Lesbian Lit paper/working on my final Film paper. Then I will write the Frankenstein Film paper, then on Monday morning I will still work on Film. I have to work Monday 1-5. Then Tuesday, Wendesday, and Thursday will be devoted to Russian Lit. Then, I am free. Off to Vermont with me!