Tour de France

The Tour de France is in July, and it dominates my month of July. I found this online, and I like it.

You are obsessed with the Tour de France (or cycling I guess) if...

- you can place any rider with his team
- can pronounce all the rider's names
- think "BOBKE" is the funniest announcer of all time
- laugh at Jan Ullrich and the nation of France's constant defeat
-wake up at 8:30am to watch the entire Tour for the day
-find yourself watching The Tour multiple times during the day
-know what channel OLN is, and you know now they are changing their name to "VERSUS"
-you feel pity for poor Juan Antonio Flecha for always being the the +100km breakaways and always being caught
-wish your name was Ewen McEwen like Robbie's son
-dont understand why anyone would let Floyd Landis get in an 7 minute breakaway on one of the last stages
-KNOW Floyd is innocent


So yea I cannot wait for the Tour de France in July. I think Basso is gonna win. Well, duh. Basso is gonna win.



So anyways, I went to the gym again today and I feel great again today. I pushed myself harder today, and.....no headache! It's amazing! I definitely feel something going on though. Some sort of tension, or something weird going on inside my head, but it's not a headache, and that's all that matters right now. It was great though. I used the indoor bike for 45 minutes, then used the rowing machine for 20 minutes, then did my abs. I could do more work at harder intensity, because I did last year, but like I said, I need to take it slow to see where my limits are as far as this headache situation goes. I can feel myself getting leaner though. It's great. I'm gonna be great in just a few months, and then I am gonna crush some souls at my triathlon. And my uniform for the triathlon? A hot pink T-mobile team jersey (from their cycling team...see Jan Ullrich on the side of my journal). THAT will surely crush souls, and I would like to thank Matt for the idea.

Soul Crushing

Hi. I am updating from my aunt’s computer at her house. My laptop broke. It sucks. My ipod also broke, and that also sucks. I am without technology. Anyways, I have a lot to say tonight.

I am exercising regularly again. It’s amazing. I feel great. In fact, I feel fantastic. I’ve already lost 8 pounds since I started my new diet, and I don’t want to get super skinny, but I do want my old figure back. The athletic one. Now I am just fat. And do not say that I am not. All of my muscle tissue turned to fat, and I gained about 20 pounds. It needs to go. I wouldn’t mind only losing a total of 10 in the end if it meant I got back all my muscle mass. I want to be even better than before, though. And I know I can do it. I am doing it, actually. I am eating really healthy, too. My eating habits needed to change big time. Now I am eating a light breakfast. Some toast and some low fat cream cheese, some fruit, some egg whites with lots and lots of onions in them, and some tea. Then a small sandwich for lunch with a small portion of meat on it and a small salad with vinegar and then a piece of fruit. Then for dinner I eat either whatever my mother makes if I am at home (and I eat small portions and she has always cooked really healthy for as long as I can remember), or I’ll have some tuna and a salad or a little bit of pasta and a salad. I keep it light. During the day I snack as well on granola bars or fruit. I make sure I keep reasonable amounts of fat in my meals so I don’t starve myself and go crazy with cravings. That is very important. (ZONE dieting!).

I always go off on tangents. The exercise. Ok. So I am working out now again. I went to the gym today at URI and had a fun time. I went by myself, but I got to observe all the hot boys. I had forgotten how many hot boys there are at the gym. At the URI gym I can use the indoor bike and see directly into the weight room where all the guys are. Mmm. The girl riding the bike next to me laughed at me today for staring at this one guy pretty blatantly. His calves were gorgeous. I couldn’t help it. They were perfect. Perfect shape, perfect color, perfect amount of hair, perfect amount of muscle (not too too much). Anyways, the girl saw me staring and laughed and made a comment to me about it. Aye. Anyhoo, I am not getting headaches after I exercise anymore, but I am also not pushing myself as hard as I used to. I know I can push myself harder, but I am so scared to out of fear of getting another pounding after-exercise headache. I know it’s because my cardiovascular system is fucked because of Imitrex, and it’s just going to take time to fix everything, but I still need to see a cardiologist about it. Anyways, at least I am not getting headaches. I am going to try to push myself harder tomorrow at the gym though just to see what happens. I won’t go all out like I used to and crush every soul of the weak, but I will crush many souls. It’s just frustrating being afraid to push yourself as hard as you can because you’re afraid that you’re going to get a massive headache afterwards, and you don’t even know exactly why. And I get so fucking mad now at people who pussy out at the gym and don’t push themselves as hard as they can, or give up, because they don’t know how god damn lucky they are that they even can do those things. That they have the ability to push themselves. I haven’t had that for such a long time. I might have it back cuz I am off of the Imitrex, but for two years I lived in fear of getting a headache, or I would actually get a massive headache, and these fuckers pussy out and don’t push themselves when they have the ability to.

God. I get so mad. I have so much anger and I am such a young woman. It’s a good thing I’ve found again my resources to which I can vent.

Providence College

I needed last night so bad. I went to Providence College to visit my old roommates and old friends, and it was a blast. I got there at around 3:30 so we could just hang out for a bit before we got trashed, so we hung out like old times. I miss last year. I love URI, and I love my classes, and the people are great, but my first year at PC was a year I will never, ever forget. The late nights at Fenel with Isabel, Skankaroo, and all the boys. And playing beer pong until we couldn't stand anymore, then stumbling back to Ray (our dorm) and heating up some Ramen. Then passing out drunk as all hell. Then waking up in the morning to go down to brunch to get some food. Then repeating the same process for Saturday night. Then there were the occasional angry nights. Either Callan, Isabel or I would end up in tears after having about 17 drinks. Callan would be angry at her friends, and Isabel and I would be angry at two specific boys who were in our lives. We'd end up in tears, comfort each other, and then make some ramen and go to bed, and everything would be ok.

The only problem I had, though, was I thought that just that alone was the solution to all my problems. I thought that drinking all the time and partying would help me move on, but it didn't. I was just so exhausted from certain things from high school that I didn't want to put more energy into dealing with any of it. So I have my secrets, I did my things, I drank a lot of alcohol, and I thought it would solve my problems, and it didn't. Instead I ended up back where I was on September 1, 2005. Confused. Don't get me wrong. It was the best few months of my life, but for solving problems, it was also the worst, and it still leaves me confused to this day. I am getting better at solving it, but it still is confusing as to how it was the best months of my life in some ways, and the worst months of my life in some ways.

Anyways. Tangent. Last night was amazing. I didn't do it to hide my probles from myself. I went out because I needed to be with my girl friends and I needed to have fun. And I need to flirt with hot guys at the bars, and I needed to dance with hot guys at Clubbies, and I needed to dance with my friends. I needed to drink heavily, and boy did I drink heavily. We pregamed in the Suites and played beer pong. Then we headed out to Clubbies, where I got myself totally fucking trashed. I sucked back long island iced teas and shots of vodka like kool aid. And I talked to guys and I danced, and it was amazing. It was liberating. Then we went back to the suites and ordered pizza, and I drunk dialed lots of friends, and it was just like last year again. Amazing.

So I will solve my problems correctly this time. I just needed last night to party. And it helped me so, so, so much. Thank you, Providence College.

good song

A lot has been going on. All I have to say is:


You must think I'm a fool
So prosaic and awkward and all
D'you think you've got me down?
D'you think I've never been out of this town?

Do I seem too eager to please to you now?
You don't know me at all
I can't turn it on, turn it off like you now
I'm not like you now

Now you're here
I bet you're wishing you could disappear
I'm trying to be kind
I get the feeling you're just killing time

You look down on me
Don't you look down on me now
You don't know me at all
A slap in the face
In the face for you now
Just might do now

You're leaving so soon
Never had a chance to bloom
But you were so quick
To change your tune
Don't look back
If I'm a weight around your neck
Cos if you don't need me
I don't need you

Leaving so soon, soon
Leaving, leaving so, soon

You're leaving so soon
Never had a chance to bloom
But you were so quick
To change your tune
Don't look back
If I'm a weight around your neck
Cos if you don't need me
Then I don't need you



Next entry we will be back to our regularly scheduled soul crushing.

20 Questions

Time for 20 Questions.


1. Where were you born?

Dorchester, Massachusetts at St. Margaret's Hospital. That hospital isn't there anymore. It got torn down.

2. Who was the most important person in your life growing up and why?

Hmm. I'm gonna have to say my father. He introduced me to so many things, like mountain biking, cycling, hiking, nature, camping, enjoying spending time outdoors, etc. All of those things have a huge influence on my life now, so he would probably be considered the most important person in my life growing up. He (and my mother too) also taught my sister and me how to eat healthy when we were really young. When he was training for his mt. bike races, he had to be really, really thin, so he ate really, really healthy, and my sister and I therefore were forced to eat the same things. My mother also never brought all that shit like soda and junk food into the house. I think my sister and I would get soda once a month, but that's it. Sometimes junk food. But not often at all. Anyways, now I am doing the cycling thing again, and I am going to join the URI cycling club/team next year, and it's because of being introduced to it by my father at such a young age, and right now cycling is a big part of my life.


3. What's your favorite color?

I've always liked dark red colors, or dark blues. Light blue is nice too.


4. What is your favorite movie?

I dunno if I have just one. Silence of the Lambs is one of my favorites. I also think the Truman Show is great, As Good As It Gets is great, Little Miss Sunshine is awesome. And Contact has always been one of my all time favorites. I'm more of a book person, though.


5. Do you think people have a soul, however you would define that?

In some ways, yes. Not really in the traditional Catholic way I was taught, though. I think everything has some sort of soul that doesn't die, but just kinda sticks around doing something. Who knows. I don't think anything is without some sort of soul though.


6. Do you believe in the possibility that God exists?

I believe some sort of god exists, but not the Christian/Catholic god I was raised to believe. I think everything all goes back to some sort of creative power or force in the universe, if that makes any sense. What that is we don't know, and can't know, so killing each other over it is fucking stupid. Let's focus on what's here on this earth for now, and how those things work, and how we work with each other.


7. Have you ever gone bungee jumping?

Nope. I would try it though if I had the opportunity to.


8. If you could solve one, and only one, moral problem, what would it be?

Religious intolerance. I want everyone to shut the fuck up about it. If you're a Christian, that is awesome. But YOU are a Christian. Do not force it onto your children, do not make your children feel guilty if you think they are not living up to Christian standards, and do not preach your beliefs to anyone else. The same goes for Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Druids, Buddhists, or whatever else you want to be. And with the Islamic states, I see something really flawed in the way they choose to run their governments as a fundamentalist religious state. I see religion as a deeply personal choice, so why you would force that onto anyone else, including your children, is something I cannot understand.



9. Do you believe that there might be aliens out there who have visted the earth from time to time?

I think there are other things out there. They might have visted the earth. Who knows. But there definitely has to be something more out there. Like the movie Contact says, "If we're alone out there, that's an awful waste of space." I think that's true.


10. Did you have a pet growing up?

We had cats from the time I was born. But then one of the cats died, and the other went crazy and would sit on our roof all day and night and howl at the sky, so we put her to sleep because she was going insane. So we got a new cat named Misty, and she had no claws, so every time she would get outside (accidentally) she would pick fights with squirrels and get her ass kicked because she had no way to defend herself. Then we got a dog. His name was George, but he died when I was in 9th grade :(


11. Is there a circumstance that would warrant the death penalty?

Never.


12. If you could have a super sense (sight, hearing, smell, touch, or taste) what would it be?

Hmmm. Taste. I love food so much. Having super sensitive taste buds would be awesome.


13. If someone offered you enough money to live on the rest of your life, how much would be enough?

Well, if someone were to offer me money, I would just want enough money to be able to pay off my college debt and then have a little left over afterwards to maybe travel for a month, and then to have enough left over to put into the bank before I start my career. That's all I would need money for. So maybe $100,000? Before taxes of course.


14. How old do you think you'll be when you die?

87.

15. What time did you go to bed last night?

Umm I can't really remember. 1:30 maybe?


16. What are the top three things you like about yourself?

I like that I enjoy spending time outdoors in the woods hiking or biking or something. I like that I want to be a teacher. And I like that I try to be kind to people.


17. If you could have any profession in the world and it would supprt you, what would that be?


I would like to be a writer who also works at like a state park with mountains and stuff. Or like, a mountain tour guide or something, leading expeditions up mountains. Not ridiculous mountains like Everest though. I value my life too much to put it into that kind of danger. Just something simple, where the trees are only a few hours away from the top of the mountain. And I would like to write as I do this.

But being a teacher and writing on the side will also keep me really, really happy I think. Jonathan asked me once that if I married a super rich guy and didn't have to work ever again, would I still go into teaching, and I said yes, because it IS something I really want to do. CHILDREN NEED TO LEARN HOW TO READ AND WRITE, DAMMIT! :)


18. If you could go back in time only once, where would you go and when?


Hmmmm. I dunno. Maybe ancient Greece? They seemed to know what was up back in the day. Other time periods I don't know if I could deal with. If I were to live there, I mean. Say, if I went back in time to live in the 1700s, I'd probably go postal. If I were just visiting, though, and could come back, I think I still would visit ancient Greece. What a fascinating place and time.


19. What's your favorite meal?

A nice green, leafy salad with fresh Spinach leaves in it and red onions and green olives to start, and the salad dressing my mom makes, which I think is just olive oil, red wine vinegar, balsamic vinegar, a little bit of honey, mustard powder, and some salt. So good. Then the pasta dish my mom makes that has ziti pasta, olive oil, green peppers, mushrooms, garlic, a little bit of cheese, and prosciutto in it, then baked in the oven. Ugh. SO GOOD.

20. If you wanted to say something that not many people know about you, what would that be?

Hmm. Well there is stuff that no one knows about me. And I mean no one :-P I dunno. I'm extreme. I'm either open to talk about stuff about myself, or absolutely no one knows about some of the things I've done or some of the things about me, so I am probably not too willing to answer that question here, unfortunately. If you get me drunk enough and bond with me enough, maybe I'll talk.

Rain rain rain rain rain

It's raining right now. And my broken window is to my left. I remember June of 2002 when I was writing in my hand written journal, and it was raining outside, and I was sitting in my room in Franklin, MA, and that window too was broken and to my left. There was a thunderstorm rolling in, and it was warm outside, and all I wanted to do was go outside barefoot and walk around in warm, green, wet moss. I don't know why I wanted to. I think I had been reading The Bell Jar for the 4th time and it got me thinking again. Anyhow, I don't know why, but that memory is one that sticks with me whenever I write in journals, and it makes me sad because I want two write my hand written journal again, but for some reason I don't. Those journals were always so simple. Just a regular college ruled notebook from CVS or Staples or some such store. I would sit down for a couple hours and write, and I would ramble, sort of like I am now, but for some reason it was different. It was easier to write when I was writing by hand. I read in a writing magazine last year an article by some stuck up writer with a PhD in philosophy that said writing hand written journals is amatuer and a waste of time, but it's not. If my words are freer and I can write more, and thus practice more, it's not a waste of my time. He also said that all, and yes, he said ALL, writers who write hand written journals spend obscene amounts of money on leather bound journals at overpriced bookstores that have overpriced coffee shops. But that is also false. I used to write my handwritten journals in 99 cent college ruled notebooks that I got at CVS. I do go to the overpriced coffeeshops in overpriced bookstores, but so what? I like the coffee in overpriced coffeeshops. You can't tell me what my taste buds like.

Goals, goals, goals

I have a lot I need/want to achieve this summer. It's gonna be amazing, and I will put the work into it. And I am going to do these things by doing small things. By making lists, and setting up smaller, daily goals to reach the bigger goals. This summer I will be working two jobs to earn enough money to pay off Providence College and to pay for a room for next semester. I will probably work at like Stop and Shop a few days/nights during the week and on the weekends, and then a couple nights during week I will waitress (at a real restaurant this time). A certain someone expressed a tiny little bit of doubt that I can do that, but I will show that person that I can. :-P I will also win the Ayn Rand essay contest (for $10k). Also, I will train this summer to do as well as I possibly can in the triathlon that I am doing in September. I will also train to kick ass on the URI cycling team next year. By the end of the summer I will have a body that will crush your soul just by looking at it :-P