Morning Kitchen Floor

Christmas is over. I had a good Christmas this year. I got a new bike helmet from Santa. It's gorgeous. I also got new bike pedals from Santa. They match my bike. The ones on my bike now are icky and old and gross. These are cool. They're Look pedals. I can't wait to get back out on my bike. I miss it so much :( I think I'll start riding in February as long as the temperature stays above 40 degrees. I can tolerate weather above 40. If it's below 40 I'd rather just stay indoors. Actually, i just checked and it's 42 right now. Maybe I'll start riding sooner. We'll see. I'm not waiting until April to ride though.

I got a ton of books for Christmas that I need to read now. I am currently working on Brother Odd by Dean Koontz, but I didn't get that one for Christmas this year. My next book to read will be Lolita I think. Then Red Dragon, then maybe a Joyce Carol Oates book. Ahhh so many books to read! So little time. Next semester is approaching quickly, and I will not be able to read for fun until the summer :(

Jonathan also got me a gorgeous, gorgeous necklace. It's so beautiful. I want to wear it all the time, but it's so delicate and fragile I am afraid I will break it!

After speaking with someone about how I should start publishing my poetry, I received an email from the English department asking for poetry submissions from English majors for a new literary magazine the English department will be publishing at the end of the spring semester, called The Independent Scribe. I am going to submit a couple of poems, I think. Perhaps even one in Latin. I have one poem in a rough draft-type format that I want to finish. Maybe that one will be sent off for publication. It's called Morning Kitchen Floor. It needs a lot of work, but it has a lot of potential. Sigh.

Is there anything else happening in my life? I'm working at Papa Gino's again over Christmas break. My first shift back was on Wednesday. It was really weird. It reminded me of the summer when I was riding every day, then going to work, or riding one day, and working all day the next, trying to make myself no so scatterbrained. Also, my work pants are small for me! Over the summer, when I was riding my bike almost daily, my pants were big. Now that I have my winter blubber, they are too small! So I am therefore working out every day now. Speaking of which, I need to go workout in about 1o minutes.

I saw Santa today. He drove down my street.

Christmas is almost here.

1. Will you have a boyfriend/girlfriend this christmas?
Yes.

2. Have you been naughty or nice this year?
Nice, I think.

3. What is the most expensive thing on your christmas list
New bike pedals because the ones I have on there now are about 15 years old. The new pedals I want are Look pedals and they are $146 and they are red and silver and match my bike!!!

4. What do you want this year?
I want to have a nice, relaxing, semi-drunken Christmas with my family. And I want books.

5. Do you still believe in santa ?
Hell yea. I remember living in Hyde Park, and we (we being my sister Allyson and I because we shared a room) had a skylight window above our two beds, and I used to try to stay awake on Christmas Eve to see Santa's sleigh and reindeer land on the roof, and I used to think that the clanking of the heat moving through the pipes was Santa's sleigh landing on the roof.

6. Which is your favorite reindeer?
I guess Rudolph is.

7.Big tree or small tree ?
Big.

8. What do you leave for santa?
Cookies for Santa and a carrot for his reindeer.

9. Do you get a lot of presents?
Not really. Usually books and DVDs.

10. What is your favorite christmas movie ?
A Christmas Story!

11. What is your favorite christmas song ?
I hate Christmas songs. Actually, I loathe Christmas songs. Christmas songs can suck it.

12. Red, Green, or White lights?
White.

13. What is your christmas wish?
Snow.

14. How many days left until christmas?
3!!!!

15. How will you spend christmas?
At home, with my family and Jonathan.

16. Do you still wake up early on christmas morning?
Yep, because I have a 6 year old sister and an 8 year old sister who still believe in Santa.

17. Do you still get presents from santa?
Yeppers.

18. Any christmas traditions?
We always decorate the house/tree the day after Thanksgiving. Umm, we have a "Christmas calendar." It has a mouse in it and we move the mouse every day it gets closer to Christmas. We get drunk. My mom has been making cinnamon buns every Christmas morning since I was like 2 after we open presents under the tree. I think that's it for Christmas traditions.

19.How was last christmas?
Average, I think.

20. Is your house decorated?
A bit yes.

21. Do you get all dressed up ?
Sometimes.

22. Have you gone to any christmas parties this year ?
No. I was supposed to, but it fell through. I am going to a Christmas party tonight.

23. Favortie christmas memory?
Hmmmmmm. I am not sure. I have a lot of favorite Christmas memories.

24.When i say christmas what is the first thing that comes to mind?
Green and red. Christmas trees.

25.Ever get your heart broken on christmas day?
I don't believe so.

1. Where were you at 2:02 AM this morning?
Asleep in my bed, cuddling with my blankets, which I am also about to do now.

2. What was the first thing you thought this morning?
Shit. I have essays to write.

3. Is the person you like older or younger than you?
The person I like? I like a lot of people! Well, that's a lie. Most people anger me. There are a few people whom I like.

4. What did you do last night?
Worked on a paper.

5.what are your plans for the weekend?
VERMONT! WITH JONATHAN! Cuz he's the best ever and surprised me with the trip!

6. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?
I hope so.

7. What are you listening to?
Friends (on TV).

8. Have you ever told someone of the same sex you loved them and meant it?
Yes, but not romantically.

9. How's your heart lately?
My heart? Trying to relax.

10. What were you doing at 7 AM?
Sleeping.

12. Are there any previous relationships you wish could have lasted longer?
I guess you could say yes.

13. What was the reason you last cried?
You don't want to know. Either that, or I don't want to say.

15. What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
American Gangster.

16. How did you meet the 3rd person on your myspace?
I met her when she shot out of my mother's uterus in a bloody mess.

17. How old is he/she?
17.

18. Have you ever driven without a license?
Yep.

31. Do you drink tea?
Every day.

32. When was the last time you saw a cop?
I don't know?

33. Did you ride in someone else's car today?
Yes.

34. Do you wet the toothbrush before the toothpaste?
Yes. That is a necessity.

35. Does someone like you?
I hope so.

36. What do you like on your toast?
Butter.

37. Where do you like to keep your money?
A bank?

38. Do you watch the news daily?
I read the news daily.

40. Do you like to press the coin return button on everything for free money?
Not really.

42. Do you clean when you’re upset?
No. If I am upset I cry. Then I watch tv. If it's during the summer, I'll ride my bike.

43. Where do you want to get married?
Anywhere but a church. And no cheesy Hall or anything like that. Someplace cool. Maybe outside.

44. What day of the week did/will your birthday fall on this year?
SUPERBOWL SUNDAY BITCHES!

45. Are you wearing socks?
Barefoot as of right now.

46. Would you ever dye your hair blonde?
No. I don't like to look fake.

47. Did you wear clip on/stick on earrings as a child?
No.

48. Have you ever seen “Walk the Line”?
No. Random question.

19. Do you still get Easter baskets?
Yep.

50. When was the last time it snowed?
Here? Last week.

51. Are puddles the best part about rain?
No. Puddles are the worst part about rain. The lack of sunshine is the best part of rain. And the drops of water dripping off trees.

52. What’s the closest pink thing to you?
A Scooby Doo coloring book. Wait, no. My pants, lol.

53. Do you have plans for tonight?
Bed. Cuddling with my blankets. With lots of blankets. Lots and lots and lots of blankets.

54. Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
No.

55. Do you know anybody named Eric?
Yes.

56. Are your nails painted?
Yes.

60. Can you sing all the RENT songs by heart?
No.

62. Red or green apples?
Green apples with peanut butter.

63. Do you know anyone who’s pregnant?
I don't think so.

64. Can you make brownies without having to look at the directions?
Um no. I messed up making Jello once, and I was looking at the directions.

65. Do you like juicy fruit gum?
No.

66. Are crayons better than colored pencils?
No.

67. Do you have hairspray in your hair?
No.

68. Where are you?
Living room.

70. Have you brushed your teeth yet today?
Yes.

72. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?
Sometimes.

73. What are you seriously wearing?
A pair of pink and white pajama pants, a Red Sox tshirt, and a Moosehead Lake sweatshirt.

75. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night?
Occasionally.

77. Could you live without a computer?
I supposed.

78. Is anyone on your bad side right now?
Most of the human race is on my bad side right now, but it's not worth it to care.

79. What jewelry are you wearing?
A necklace.

80. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
Sometimes when my mom watches it. Other than that, no, I do not, because it is the worst fucking show I have ever seen in my entire fucking life. I'd rather let killer ants slowly kill me day after day for a month while I am locked in a cold, dark, wet closet, naked, with no food, and while lying on a bed of nails than watch that show again.

81. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
A lot, but I don't wear all of them. I don't feel like counting them.

82. Have you ever been to Georgia?
No. I don't plan on visiting Georgia. I'd rather let killer ants slowly kill me day after day for a month while I am locked in a cold, dark, wet closet, naked, with no food, and while lying on a bed of nails than visit Georgia. Wait, what?

83. Do you watch movies with your parents?
Sometimes.

84. Do you go online every day?
Pretty much.

Hi. I think it's safe to post this in here now. Today we are having a surprise birthday party for my aunt Elaine's 50th birthday. It's fun. We all think she knows already but whatevs. It's gonna be fun. I am gonna be drunk. Jonathan is coming over too. Wheeee!


Vermont in less than a week!

Something else I found while digging through my old journal, and I had to post it!!!

Signs and Symptoms of Inner Peace:

1. Tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fear based on past experiences

2. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment

3. Loss of interest in judging other people

4. Loss of interest in judging self

5. Loss of interest in interpretating actions of others

6. Loss of interest in conflict

7. Loss of ability to worry (a very serious symptom)

8. Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation

9. Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature

10. Frequent attacks of smiling through the eyes from the heart

11. Increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen

12. Increased susceptibility to let things happen rather than make them happen

If you have all or even most of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition may be too far advanced to turn back. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting several of these symptoms, remain exposed at your own risk. This condition of Inner Peace is likely well into its infectious stage. Be forewarned.

"My kid always asks me questions I don't know the answers to. Like for example, 'Dad, if homosexuals don't reproduce, why are there so many of them?'"

I was reading some of my old journal entries in my deadjournal this morning. I found one entry that I kind of remember writing. I think I am going to use it for my writing class next year. It's one of those gems that you write down and save because you might not be able to use it as soon as you write it, but you know it's going to come in handy some day. Well, over 2 years after I wrote it, it's going to come in handy. The beauty of writing. I love writing.

Here's the entry, from Wednesday, August 10, 2005, posted at 10:26 pm.

To ease that sense of loss, the sense of betrayal, the disbelief and the anger, the love and the resentment, the inability to decide if I regretted everything I did, or if I appreciated what I did because it changed me and led me in a direction that could benefit me in the long run, to slow the thoughts that never stopped coming into my head, the memories, the memories of anger, the memories of feeling like nothing would interrupt my feeling of euphoria, I would have to find something strong enough that would make my brain focus on that, and only that. And not even yoga could allow for that kind of required attention and commitment. Instead it had to be a strong, red travel mug of the strongest coffee I could possibly brew without overdoing it and giving myself a caffeine headache. Making coffee like that was always a challenge I enjoyed, for not only am I normally a tea person, but I suffer from migraines that are unable to be described to anyone else, even those who suffer migraines as I do. If I have too much caffeine, I will get a migraine. If I have no caffeine, I will get a migraine. If I drink too much warm water, I will get a migraine. If I don't eat often enough I will get a migraine. My list could continue for another three pages and extend to more than just food related ailments, but I will spare you the tedious reading.

But nothing is as tedious as having to actually search for something, some act or some food or drink strong enough to make me feel empowered. In the mornings it is tea in front of my computer. In the afternoon it is the strongest coffee I can possibly brew, and in the evenings, it is a glass of red wine and a book, and sitting in my bed and reading. In my books there are people I would like to know in real life. I try to convince myself as I am reading that I can someday be as they are, even if they are the epitome of imperfection. At least they are the epitome of something.

But having to rely on that tea, coffee, and wine on a daily basis to get the thoughts out of my head is almost as frustrating as the thoughts I am trying to repel.

I often wonder why I can't move on from a mistake, or from a bad experience or memory. Why I need to bury my face into a pillow and convince myself that the other person in that memory, mistake is not thinking right now of the mistake I made. Perhaps is not even thinking of me right now if I am lucky. I wish as the coffee pours down my throat, making the muscles connecting my fore arm to my upper arm jittery with the sudden rush of caffeine, that I am never thought about and never contemplated. Things would be easier that way for me, and for those I often hurt, and for those who hurt me.



I would edit that entry, though. There are a few parts that I don't particularly like. Some sentences seem contrived and whining. But that's the entry, and I am going to use it next semester in that writing class. (that 400something level class). That entry still applies to me now, too. That last paragraph is something I still think about every day.


Over Christmas break this year I am going to not work too much at Papa Gino's (I am going to see if they will let me work 2 days a week. If not, I'm not going to work at all. I have enough money saved to pay my rent and not have to work over Christmas break). My mother said if I help out around the house and drive the kids to school every day, she won't kill me for not working. So anyhow, the plan is not to work so much and to get other things done. I have a long list of books I have to read. I also have to write. A lot. A lot a lot.

It's really cold outside now. The past two weeks have been kind of crazy for me. School has been crazy, and I don't know how I feel about it. Going through a mid-life crisis at the age of 20 while I am in college is not the best time to go through one of those crises. It takes away from my school work. But also, while doing some digging in my old journal entries this morning, I found this entry, which is a passage from the novel Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver. It describes what I think about every single day, and every time I sit down to write another essay, or to respond to more questions in the back of a textbook, or to study for another midterm.

"You're not big enough to break my heart. I'm not some schoolgirl, give me a little credit. But I'm not sure I can be like you, either."

"What do you mean, 'like me'?"

"Living with no plans at all. I keep bumping into walls." She rolled onto her back, unable to look at him anymore. "When I moved up here I thought I'd be just like the pheobes and wood thrushes. Concentrate on every day as it came, get through the winter, rejoice in the summer. Eat, sleep, sing hallelujah."

"Eat, sleep, screw, sing hallelujah."

"Well, yeah." She covered her face with both hands and rubbed her eyes. "The birds were getting a lot more action than me. But you know what? Turns out they do have a plan. I'm an outsider, I'm just watching. They're all doing their own little piece of this big, rowdy, thing. Their plan is the persistence of life on earth, and they are working on it, let me tell you."

"You're persisting."

"In a real limited way. When I'm dead, what have I made that stays here? A master's thesis in the U.T. library, which eleven people on the face of the earth have read or ever will."


Why couldn't I have started thinking about these things when I turn 22? Why did they have to start when I was 18 and entering Providence College? Was it something that happened in my life around that first semester when I went to PC that started my thought process on all of this? Why do my thoughts on these things have to interfere with my work? No, I am not talking about love or romance. Those things do not have an effect on my work. Other thoughts. Why, for example, can't we (humans) eat, sleep, screw, sing hallelujah? Why do we do this ridiculous dance? We're animals, after all. Why can't we be content with just living? Is it a part of human nature to strive for more? I don't always strive for more. Most of the time I am content sitting at home and reading a novel. But then again, if humans didn't strive for more, would I even have these novels to read? These great works that I enjoy would not have been produced. So I guess my question is, why all the pressure for every human to produce more, work harder, make it better? Why can't society be content with those who want to eat, sleep, screw, sing hallelujah? Is that such a crime? When it comes down to it, that's what life is. Eating, sleeping, screwing, and singing hallelujah. So who decided that a person who wants to do those things with his or her life is unmotivated, or worthless? Or less than human? I don't understand. Is there some thing in the sky dictating rules every day for us to live by? Why don't birds have rules dictated to them? They live. We don't.

I am drinking some green and white tea right now. It's very delicious.

Jonathan is the best fucking person EVER. He surprised me with a trip to Vermont for his fraternity's winter formal! We went last year, and it was one of the best weekends I have ever had. Seriously. That weekend went down as the second best weekend of my entire life, so this year's trip can only be better! And he's the best! It was a total surprise! I was not expecting him to go by himself. I had no idea he was planning to go with me. It is exciting. AND it will be the very day after (Friday) I finish ALL my work for the semester. CELEBRATION TIME. Drunk and sexy time, if you ask me.

But, the semester hasn't ended yet, so I have to stay focused! I am off to write a paper now on The Third Man. Then I am going to memorize a poem for my Medieval Lit recitation. Then tomorrow night I am heading home. Wednesday I have to write an 8 page Medieval Lit paper. Thursday morning I will start my Gay and Lesbian lit final paper (has to be 12 pages). I will finish that (hopefully) on Friday because I have all day Friday and all Friday night to finish it. Then Saturday I have something to do but I can't say it here shhhh (you'll find out after Saturday). Then Sunday I have to fucking work 10-5. Then Sunday night I will probably work on finishing up my Gay and Lesbian Lit paper/working on my final Film paper. Then I will write the Frankenstein Film paper, then on Monday morning I will still work on Film. I have to work Monday 1-5. Then Tuesday, Wendesday, and Thursday will be devoted to Russian Lit. Then, I am free. Off to Vermont with me!

sigh

"'Tell me,' he said, 'what is this thing about time? Why is it better to be late than early? People are always saying, we must wait, we must wait. What are they waiting for?'

'Well,' I said, feeling myself be led by Giovanni into deep and dangerous water, 'I guess people wait in order to make sure of what they feel.'

'In order to make sure!' He turned again to that invisible ally and laughed again. I was beginning, perhaps, to find his phantom a little unnerving, but the sound of his laughter in that airless tunnel was the most incredible sound. 'It’s clear to me that you are a true philosopher. And when you have waited---has this made you sure?'"

<3 James Baldwin
I couldn't fall asleep last night. Perhaps it was because of my escapades.

I love tea. I just got some earl grey tea from Bagelz. I think I am going to start calling it Early Grey tea now though.

So T-mobile/Deutsche Telekom AND Addidas both pulled their sponsorship from the T-mobile cycling team yesterday and today because they don't want their names involved any more in doping scandals. It's becoming ridiculous, this doping issue. First of all, I do not understand why we all act so surprised when it is revealed that someone has been doping. Climbing up a 9,000 ft mountain in France at 20mph after riding 90 miles already that day, and after riding 100 miles every day for the past 10 days, is not normal for a human being in its natural state. Come on, people. So now the former team T-Mobile is called Team High Road. The Jan must be sad.

So I forgot

So I forgot to do my update about life the other day. I ended up getting a migraine and going to bed. It was upsetting. So since then I have lost my creative inspiration.

Classes are almost over. I can't wait until Christmas break so I can drink tea, read books, and crush the souls of the weak (aka start my training for cycling!).

As for life, life is...eh. Life is tiring me. I need to get back on the bike. It's cold though, so the next best thing is to get into shape for when it's warmer out. This is what I want to wear for the spring and summer!






I'll be pimped out.

Quite possibly the best passage in American literature

"Before and beside me and all over the room, towering like a wall, were boxes of cardboard and leather, some tied with string, some locked, some bursting, and out of the topmost box before me spilled down sheets of violin music. There was a violin in the room, lying on the table in its wrapped, cracked case---it was impossible to guess from looking at it whether it had been laid to rest there yesterday or a hundred years before. The table was loaded with yellowing newspapers and empty bottles and it held a single brown and wrinkled potato in which even the sprouting eyes were rotten. Red wine had been spilled on the floor; it had been allowed to dry and it made the air in the room sweet and heavy. But it was not the room's disorder which was frightening; it was the fact that when one began searching for the key to this disorder, one realized that it was not to be found in any of the usual places. For this was not a matter of habit or circumstance or temperament; it was a matter of punishment and grief. I do not now how I knew this, but I knew it at once; perhaps I knew it because I wanted to live. And I stared at the room with the same, nervous, calculating extension of the intelligence and of all one's forces which occurs when gauging a mortal and unavoidable danger: at the silent walls of the room with its distant, archaic lovers trapped in an interminable rose garden, and the staring windows, staring like two great eyes of ice and fire, and the ceiling which lowered like those clouds out of which fiends have sometimes spoken and which obscured but failed to soften its malevolence behind the yellow light which hung like a diseased and undefinable sex in its center. Under this blunted arrow, this smashed flower of light lay the terrors which encompassed Giovanni's soul. I understood why Giovanni had wanted me and had brought me to his last retreat. I was to destroy this room and give to Giovanni a new and better life. This could only be my own, which, in order to transform Giovanni's, must first become a part of Giovanni's room."


-James Baldwin, Giovanni's Room

essays

Hi. It's me. I'm at the library printing an essay I wrote about Anton Chekhov and James Joyce and their stories "The Duel" and "The Dead." It's getting pretty bad that I can pump essays out like I am an essay factory now. I should change my major.

I'll update more tonight about life when I am at home. I want some subway now. Peace.

Books (continued)

Why don't people understand that some people, like me, like to read?  I don't have to go out and party all the time to have fun.  I am perfectly happy sitting at home with a cup of tea and a novel.  That's why I became an English major.  Ever since I was in 2nd grade I would pass on the opportunity (sometimes) to do something with friends so I could stay at home on a Saturday and read a book. When I was in second grade it was to read Goosebumps books. I do things with friends, but I don't have to surround myself with people all the time. I am not dependent on social interaction for my happiness. And I like to read. I enjoy spending time by myself and reading a book, and that's not going to change. Ever.

I spent over an hour in my Film professor's office yesterday discussing everything from film to literature to life to relationships, and we got onto the topic of birth signs (Aquarius and what have you). I guess that is one of my professor's hobbies, and he said that an Aquarius, which is what I am, is her own person and that she'll do what she damn well pleases, and most of the time, what she damn well pleases is something others might not understand. I think that's fairly applicable here.

Books

My mom called me last night to ask me what I want for Christmas this year from "Santa." I told her I have a list of books that I wanted to get, so that can be my Christmas list. She yelled at me and said "that's not a Christmas present. I'm not getting you that for Christmas. Come up with something else." I said to her, "only in this family would a mother scold her child for wanting books for Christmas."

Jesus Christ

It's cold out now, and I think the cold weather is here to stay.  The other morning I had to wake up at 5 to drive back to Rhode Island.  While my father and I were driving down some side road in Woonsocket, we drove by a huge, flat cemetery that had no trees.  I remember getting this awesome idea for a poem that connected the cemetery, our driving, the darkness at 5am, the cold, the treeless land and the grass, etc.  But I was in such a caffeine and sleep deprived state that I forgot what it was I wanted to write about.  That's what happens when you don't write shit down the moment you get the idea.  But I have a feeling that even if I had written it down, I wouldn't have had any idea what my notes meant because I was so tired and in such a daze and caffeine deprivation. So anyways, from this experience I've decided to write a poem about THAT. That is, about driving by the cemetery, the cold, the grass, the dark, Woonsocket, and my failure to remember what the hell it was I wanted to write about. I'll have the lost idea of a poem inside a poem.

 

In other news, I really enjoy it when lyrics to a song sound like they could be poetry. In Brand New's song "Jesus Christ," for example:

Do I divide and fall apart?

Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark,

And the ship went down in sight of land,

And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands.

 

You can tell by reading those lines that whoever wrote them (I don't know which member of the band wrote the lyrics) carefully chose every word and every word's position, just like a poet. And the sound of line two is great. It's too bad that so many people don't appreciate it, though. They just think "derrr I like dis song, derr I'm gonna drink more beer and listen to this song, derr it's good." Sigh. When I am teaching English to high school students I will play a song like that (or even that song) to my students to show them the relevance of what they're learning. Students become more engaged that way, and I think they would appreciate what they learn a little more if they see that rock bands use the same techniques in their lyrics that poets use in their poetry.

 

 

 

 

Relaxing on a Tuesday morning before a marathon of classes until 6 tonight, and I stole this from Matt

1. What was the highlight of your day?
Highlight of today? So far it's my iced hazelnut coffee (black), but I've been awake for a whole 90 minutes.

2. Who's car were you in last?
Do you mean whose? My parents.

3. When is the next time you are going to kiss someone ?
I dunno. Soon, I hope.

4. What color shirt are you wearing?
Black.

5. How long is your hair?
Pretty darn long right now.

6. Last movie you watched?
American Gangster.

7. Last thing you ate?
Oatmeal

8. Last thing you drank?
Coffee

9. Where did you sleep last night?
My bed

10. Are you happy right now?
I suppose. There is a lot going on. I won't understand happiness until a few years from now.

11. What TV show did you watch last?
Roseanne.

12. Where is your phone?
Next to me on the desk.

13. What was the last museum you went to?
Probably the museum of fine arts in Boston with Jonathan

14. What color are your eyes?
Greenish?

15. Who came over last?
I don't know?

16. When was the last time you had your heart broken?
N/a

17. Who/what do you hate/dislike currently?
I hate our country's president. I hate my migraines, because now I have to play catch up this week on all the work I couldn't do last week because of my migraines.

18. What are you listening to?
Humming of computers.

19. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
Sex

20.What is the best smell?
Lilacs in my old backyard in Hyde Park

21. Who makes you laugh the most?
Mary and Allyson. Together.

22. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping.

23. Are you left-handed?
No.

24. What's for dinner tonight?
Tuna fish on wheat bread.

25. What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?
Budlite.

26. When is your birthday?
February 3

27. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Jonathan

28. Where was the last place you went shopping?
I can't remember

29. How do you feel about your hair right now?
It's long.

30. AIM or MSN?
AIM

31. Where does most of your family live?
Massachusetts.

32. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
I have 3 younger sisters.

33. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
Not really. Well, maybe a little. I don't know.

34. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
I want caffeine.

35. Do you drink beer?
Yes.

36. Myspace or Facebook?
Facebook.

37. Do you have T-Mobile?
Yes, and it sucks.

38. What is/was your favorite subject in school?
English. Always English.

39. What type of boy/girl do you usually fall for?
I like guys who look like guys. I don't like pretty boys.

40. Do you have any hidden talents?
Yes.

41. Have you ever been IN a wedding?
No.

42. Do you have any children?
No.

43. Did you take a nap today?
No. I don't nap well. It usually ends with an intense dream and my freaking out.

44. Ever met someone famous?
Yes. Lots of Celtics players, some singers, etc.

45. Do you want to be famous one day?
Not really.

46. Are you multitasking right now?
No.

47. Could you handle being in the military?
No, I'm not a huge fan of killing people. I think it's silly.

48. What is your average cell phone bill a month?
I don't know. I am on a family plan. My portion comes out to $25 a month.

49. Do you believe in Karma?
Of course I do.

50. Ever been to Las Vegas?
Hell no.

51. What are you doing today?
First I have to go to 4 hours of classes: Film, then modern gay and lesbian literature, then medieval literature, then I have no women's studies today because the professor is in California. So I will read from 2-4, then I have Russian literature from 4-7. Then I am going home, making a tuna sandwich, then crawling into bed and sleeping.

52. Have you ever been gambling?
No.

53. Have you been to New York City?
No.

54. Ever been to Disneyland/world?
Nope.

55. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
Marvin Martian is pretty cool.

56. Last thing you cooked?
Oatmeal.

I want to write :( I'm surrounded by so much art everyday. My literature classes are filled with art. Art with words. And I go to my film class and I see art through film. I listen to artsy music when I write my essays. My essays which are about art. They analyze forms of art in words. But I never have the time to write art, because I am still learning what makes good written art, or at least I am supposed to be.

I love literature, and I understand that I, like Clive in Maurice, think that someone else other than myself, you reading this for example, simply by reading a passage in a piece of litearture, will suddenly understand something. That the passage is a solution, or, more importantly, a glimpse into my own feelings, and if I tell you to read it, you'll understand. I know that isn't true, though. It wasn't true in Maurice. Maurice didn't understand what Clive was trying to tell him by telling him to read the Symposium. And likewise, why do I expect that any of you will suddenly understand my feelings when I type up these passages from books I read? Do you understand what I am feeling through my typing these passages up? Or am I, like Clive, too lost in literature? I didn't understand how silly it was to try to convey to non-English majors my feelings through literature until my professor, while teaching Maurice to us, said that it is a flaw in Clive's character for him to expect that Maurice will understand simply by reading the Symposium. Does my extended comparison of myself to Clive in this passage show just how silly I am with literature? Probably. But here is a passage from Isherwood's novel A Single Man. Enjoy.


"'I certainly should have,' he agrees smiling and thinking what an absurd and universally accepted bit of nonsense it is that your best friends must necessarily be the ones who understand you. As if there weren't far too much understanding in the world already; above all, that understanding between lovers, celebrated in song and story, which is actually such torture that no two one of them can bear it without frequent separation or fights."

Want to hear a bitter Leanne? Stay tuned for tomrrow morning's update.

new stuff blah!

Life has been busy lately. Good, but busy. I have a lot of work to do before the end of the semester, especially if I want to get my GPA back up to one I can think about without weeping. I have to write a ten page paper for Medieval Literature, a ten page paper for Gay and Lesbian literature, an 8 page paper for Russian literature, and I have a 20-30 page annotated bibliography due on November 15 for Gay and Lesbian literature, and a huge “Take Action” project for Women’s Studies that I have to do by December 4^th or 6^th or something. I am going to go back to FHS and study the food they serve in the cafeteria, and I have to do research about other studies done in the country on similar topics. Sucks. So tomorrow I’ll be in my cave in my favorite spot in the library. All day. With a large hazelnut iced coffee from Bagelz. That should last me the entire day.

It’s getting cold here again. I am not being liking the cold, as the Jan would say. Maybe tomorrow when I do my work I’ll get a chai. I haven’t had a chai in a while.

I can’t think of much else to write. When I do work during the semester my creative side goes away. It’s sad :(

Some stuff, and I've been busy lately

I've been kind of busy. I haven't updated lately. I feel bad. I haven't really had time to sit down and write a nice entry about anything. Today is just some catch up of some things I have been posting on facebook. I made a book list of books I want to read in the next year or so. I have to diversify my reading. Here it goes! (oh and I am constantly updating the list, too, and once I start reading I'll be crossing the books off the list.)

Lolita- Vladimir Nabokov

I read The Price of Salt, and one reviewer stated that he thinks Nabokov used The Price of Salt as a model for Lolita, so now I want to read Lolita. Don’t waste your time reading The Price of Salt, by the way. Highsmith wrote The Talented Mr. Ripley series, and could have done so much more with the characters in The Price of Salt, but the book is sorely lacking.

Clever Girl- Lauren Kessler
About the spy, a woman, who “ushered in the McCarthy era.” Basically responsible for bringing communism to the states. Matt recommended the book, so I am going to read it. It’s different for me. I don’t usually read non-fiction, but I want to read this one.

The Picture of Dorian Gray- Oscar Wilde
This book was a recommended reading for my gay and lesbian literature class, but I thought it was required so I bought it. I bought the Norton critical edition, so I really should read it. It has some fascinating articles in it. And Oscar Wilde. Poor, poor Oscar Wilde :(

Ulysses- James Joyce
I read Dubliners freshman year at Providence College. Loved it. Ulysses is different but I still want to read it.

A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man- James Joyce
Same thing

Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams- Sylvia Plath
This is a book of short stories, diaries and prose that I think was published posthumously, but I could be wrong. Anyways, I’ve read half of it, and the stories are fairly mediocre. There are a few that stand out. But I want to read the rest of it (and I’ll re-read the first half) because The Bell Jar is just so damn amazing, and it’s my favorite book ever <3

Lord Jim- Joseph Conrad
I love Joseph Conrad. Love, love, love him. So much. He writes like such a sweetheart. Yes, he sounds like he swallowed a thesaurus, but his first language was Polish, not English, but he wrote his novels in English. Nostromo will always be one of my favorite novels.

The Sound and the Fury- William Faulkner
STFU. I love William Faulkner. As I Lay Dying is fantastic. Plus I already own the Norton Critical Edition because it was recommended for a class last year but I never actually read it.

Song of Solomon- Toni Morrison
Well, Toni Morrison is the female version of William Faulkner, but of course, since she’s a woman, she doesn’t get the recognition that Faulkner gets. And I love The Bluest Eye, Beloved, Tar Baby, and Sula, so I want to add Song of Solomon to the list.

Bringing Down The House- Ben Mezrich
Jonathan recommended this one to me. Another non-fiction (I think?). I want to diversify my reading :-P

The World Is Flat- Thomas Friedman
Another one Jonathan recommended. And again I think this is non-fiction? I’ll read it though!

*additions*

The City and The Pillar- Gore Vidal
We were supposed to read this book for Gay and Lesbian lit this semester, but the professor took it off the syllabus, but I had bought it already so I want to read it eventually. It seems like a pretty good novel.

A Garden of Earthly Delights- Joyce Carol Oates
I am going to learn more about Joyce Carol Oates, so the next few books will be books by her.

Expensive People- Joyce Carol Oates

them- Joyce Carol Oates
A classic.

Wonderland- Joyce Carol Oates


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This entry on facebook is called "A Small Message to Customers"

I work at a coffeehouse in Rhode Island called Bagelz. This is just a memo to customers.

1. If I am cranky, it’s probably because of you. Let’s just get that one out of the way.

2. Do not talk on your cell phone while ordering something. If you are in line waiting, and I ask, “may I help you,” is it really that difficult to stop your conversation for a whole 10 seconds to let me know what you want? And is your conversation that important that you need to tell me in .7 seconds so I cannot understand what it is you said because you are so anxious to get back to your conversation about what girl you scored with last night? Why is this such a problem?

3. If you are in a store with music playing, kids screaming, people talking, etc, do you really think that whispering will allow me to hear what you want to order? And when I say “excuse me” or “what” or can you repeat that, don’t you get the hint that I can’t hear you? Or, when I say, “I can’t hear you,” don’t you get the fucking hint that I can’t fucking hear you?

4. If you’re a party of two, and you both want iced coffee, is it difficult to say “two iced coffees” instead of saying “I’ll have an iced coffee,” making me go to the back to make your iced coffee, then when I come back and ask is there anything, you ask for another iced coffee. Why do you do that? Just say two iced coffees you fucking idiot.

5. If you’re a party of 2 or more, do you think I am some memory bank or voice recorder that can remember 19 different things? No, I cannot remember “chicken salad sandwich with swiss cheese, lettuce and onion on an egg bagel; medium chocolate fudge iced coffee, large hot chocolate, turkey sandwich with spicy mustard instead and american cheese instead and just tomatoes, no onions or lettuce on an everything bagel; a medium hot hazelnut, and a bacon egg and cheese on an onion bagel.” I cannot remember all of that at once. Tell me one fucking thing at a time, please.

6. If I ask you a supplemental question as I am making your order, and you don’t pay attention, I am making your decision for you. Sorry. Pay attention if you’re ordering food.

7. Don’t ask me what kind of cream cheese is better. Do I have your taste buds? No, I fucking don’t. I can’t tell you what you think will taste better.

8. Our meats like turkey, ham, roast beef, and lox are all premeasured to a certain number of ounces, and then they are wrapped in plastic for us to use so we always use the same exact amount. Don’t you fucking lie to me and say that the last time you were here the “other girl” put more lox on your fucking Nova Scotia Lox sandwhich, because she fucking didn’t. It’s all measured the same bitch. I know when you’re lying to me.

9. Supplementally, if you tell me that the only reason why you came back was because of our Nova sandwich, and you are disappointed with the sandwich this time around, boofuckinghoo. It’s not my problem. All the sandwiches are made the same. I’ve been working there for over a year. I know we all make them the same way. If you don’t like anything else on our menu, that’s not my problem. Go someplace else.

10. No, I will not scoop out your bagel. If you don’t want carbohydrates, don’t order food at a place called BAGELZ.

11. When you order food, DON’T WALK AWAY. Do you think we are both telephatic and can communicate via the mind? That I can call you back by thought? If you order food, stay at the counter. I am not going to go fetch you if you disappear. If I yell your order out, and you don’t come, I am moving on to someone else.

12. That little, tiny container where we keep packets of cream IS NOT A TRASH BUCKET. First, it says “This is not a trash bucket” on it. Second, that is the smallest trash bucket I have ever seen. Do you have trash buckets that small in your home? Probably not.

13. Do not send your 5 year old in to order food and pay. 5 year olds can’t think.

If I think of more I’ll add more. That’s all for now.

Up goes up and down goes down. I know that now.

I have been busy lately, which is why I haven't really updated. Busy reading mostly. I like to read. I've also had a couple papers due this week and next week that I've had to finish before this weekend because I am going to Boston this weekend to visit a friend and I don't want to have to write all the papers on Monday night before class Tuesday.

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to stop everything and move away where no one knows who you are? I think that would be awesome. If I'm not married by the time I am 30, or have no obligations here when I am 30, I'll do that and move somewhere and not tell anyone where I am moving to. I'll just go.

What else is new? My hormones are having a fit lately, but that's not really anything new.

Whenever I chew Orbit spearmint gum I crave cigarettes. It's the weirdest thing. Once I spit the gum out, the craving goes away. I've never smoked a cigarette before, so I don't know why I would suddenly crave something I've never had.

Ok a silly entry. I'll update for real later.

Bike ride

I went out on my bike today. It was amazing. I did 30 miles-ish, so it was a fairly easy/laid back ride. I did one of my old routes that I used to do a lot over the summer, and it was so amazing to do the route with orange and yellow and red leaves on the trees instead of bright and dark green leaves on the trees. Autumn is spectacular. And it was also nice to bike in the sun, but not have the sun be hammering at my back and make me feel like I am riding through Satan's fireplace. That was quite nice. It was a perfect day to ride, and I felt amazing after the ride. I felt like a beast when I got off the bike. Like a sex beast. It was fantastic.

Poems

I wrote lots of poems this weekend. But I don't want to post them yet. I want to do more work on them. I want them to be perfect, since I haven't written in so long. One of them, which doesn't have a title yet (but will), is a really special poem, and I want it to sound like it's a really special poem.

Little sonnets

I feel like I should update. I haven't updated in almost a week, but I haven't been doing too much either. I was working on a journal entry yesterday, because I had an idea for a more creative journal entry, but by the time I was able to write it down I lost that little surge of creativity, so I saved what I wrote hoping that I will get that creativity back. I am happy that I wrote down what I did though, because tonight I am going to my aunt's house to babysit my cousins, and I will be spending the night and then spending the day at their house tomorrow for the day to do some work, and I am going to use all tomorrow morning and afternoon only for poetry, and that little piece of a journal entry that I wrote yesterday will be the basis for one of the poems. I'm so excited. I came up with a great line for the poem last night too while I was lying in bed.

Hmm anything else new? I've been trying to be more responsible lately. I've developed a budget so I can save money long-term, and I have a New Laptop Fund :-P When I graduate I am buying myself a Mac, so I am putting a little money away every week now so when I graduate I will already have the money saved for it. I am about 1/20 of the way there! Woohoo!

I have to go to classes today. I kind of don't want to, because I don't feel like hiking all over campus. I have to go to the Multicultural Center, then up to Independence, then over to the Engineering lecture hall for my women's studies lecture, then back to Independence. Blah. Maybe I will write a poem in my women's studies lecture. It's really the only thing that keeps me sane during those lectures. Otherwise I can't take it. It drives me nuts. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for feminism, but women's studies is The Worst Class Ever. Never, ever take it. Especially at URI. I feel like I am in preschool again. When I am in that lecture I'm reminded of that chapter in The Bell Jar when Esther takes the Chemistry class for credit but doesn't have to take any of the tests, so she sits up in the last row and writes sonnets, pretending that she's writing notes, and the teacher looks up and smiles at her, thinking she's a diligent student taking copious notes, but she's actually writing little sonnets.

Black coffee and a cold, foggy morning. I love life sometimes.

Ok well the two weeks and two days bit is over. It was fun. I still don't have internet, but I also don't have a computer because my computer decided it was going to have a nuclear meltdown one night when I tried to play Civilization IV. So now I have to call Dell to see what the deal is.

I have missed blogging in my regular blog though. This is a fun blog. I feel more free and open in this blog.

Anyhow, yesterday in my women’s studies lecture I wrote a poem about women’s studies, and I guess about women and college in general. It’s a really, really neat poem, but it’s not finished yet. I have most of it done but I want to go back and change a few words here and there. I am so excited though because it’s such a cool poem. Also, while I was in my Medieval literature class I wrote another poem, but that will take a little longer to finish. I’ve been busy doing school work and working at Bagelz so I haven’t really taken the time to sit down and write, but Friday I am going to make time into my schedule specifically for wirting poetry. So hopefully by Friday night or Saturday afternoon the poems should be online and ready to go? Who knows. Maybe I will post them online as drafts, so I can go back and rework them later again. I want to submit the women’s studies one (which is called “University”) to the poetry contest the English department has here every year. I also want to submit a two part poem I wrote while at the beach with my cousins and yesterday in Medieval Literature. I’m still working with possible titles.

Hmm other than that I’m not sure if much else has been going on in vida de Leanne. I have a lot of work to do this weekend, surprise. So that will be my Friday and Saturday. Then Sunday night. Then Monday morning and probably Monday night at the library.

Friday night I want to go to the calzone place and get myself a nice, big fat calzone and eat it while I read or do some work at my place, relaxing after a long day of doing work. I know, can’t you see my life is so exciting? I’m taking a short time out from the party-let’s get so shitfaced that we can’t stand up scene though. That is rather tiresome. I just want some Leanne time. This is a Leanne semester, and I am loving it.

from my women's studies class, an example of older thinking

“We understand that it is and has been traditional that the man is the head of the house. He is the leader of the house/nation because his knowledge of the world is broader, his awareness is greater, his understanding is fuller and his application of this information is wiser….After all, it is only reasonable that the man be the head of the house because he is able to defend and protect that development of his home….Women cannot do the same things as men---they are made by nature to function differently. Equality of men and women is something that cannot happen even in the abstract world. Men are not equal to other men, i.e. ability, experience or even understanding. The value of men and women can be seen as in the value of gold and silver---they are not equal but both have great value. We must realize that men and women are a complement to each other because there is no house/family without a man and his wife. Both are essential to the development of any life.”

yea

For the next two weeks I will be updating in the Two Weeks and Two Days journal. Just fyi.


http://leannemm-twoweeksandtwodays.blogspot.com

Internet

And yes, I realize how wonderfully and fantastically ironic it is that I will be blogging about what it's like not to have the internet. The irony is what makes it so fantastic.

An Experiment

So tomorrow, when I move into the place on Potter Lane, I will be trying an experiment. No internet access in my room/house. Yep. No internet access at my fingertips. I will go online if I take my laptop to Bagelz or the library or something, but not for long, and I will not have constant access to the world of the interwebs 24/7. I will try this for two weeks and two days and see how it goes. If all goes well, maybe I will try no internet access for one week? I dunno.

But I will be keeping a daily journal about how everything is going, and I will make it a sub-blog of this blog (I'll put the link over to the right hand side of the page). This idea is kind of stolen from an English professor I had last year who told us not to watch tv for two weeks and two days, and to write about it every day, and to see how it changes our daily lives. Well, I don't watch tv much and don't really care if I never watch tv again, so it wasn't that big of a deal for me, so I want to try the internet, since I seem to be rather addicted to having constant access at my fingertips. And I want to keep the daily journal about it to see how much more I get done every day without having constant access to the internet. I know it sounds silly. Writing about not having the internet for two weeks and two days, but you know, a lot of people would have trouble it, myself included. It's amazing how accustomed so many of us have become to having the internet here all the time.

Into Dust

Why is it that creativty strikes at all the wrong moments? This afternoon I went to Starbucks to get a coffee (the tea place was closed for today), and as I was driving over there, I was listening to the song Into Dust by Ashtar Command (well orginally by Mazzy Star, a fantatsic alt. folk singer), and I was hit with a sudden wave of creativity. So I got my coffee and continued driving so I could think everything out, since I had no place to write anything down, and I decided to drive my favorite bike route through Medway, Millis, Norfolk and Franklin. I wonder, though, why at times I decide not to bring my little pocket notebook with me. I bought it specifically for the purpose of writing down ideas when they strike at odd moments, like today. But there are times when I decide not to bring it with me, because I think that I could not possibly get a creative thought today. But today I did. And I didn't have my notebook on me, so now I have to try to recall right now on my blog, everything, which is impossible. Once those creative thoughts come, they are there, floating, and if you don't snatch them up and write them down, they are gone as quickly as they arrived, and as mysteriously as they arrived, and you will never, ever see those particular creative thoughts again. They leave, and are later replaced by different creative thoughts that also need to be snatched just as quickly, or they too will leave as mysteriously and quickly as they came.

But I digress.

So while I was driving along my favorite bike route, I of course could not help but think of this summer, and the changes I forced myself to go through, and how many of those changes were caused by the bike. First I drove down Pond Street in Franklin, heading towards Medway. Before this summer, that had been an unknown area for me, even though it was literally 2 minutes from my house. I had never really traveled that way, because I never had any need to. But now I know every pebble along that stretch of road. Every bush and plant along the side of the road. A squirrel lives next to an old oak tree right after you cross Partridge Street. I know because I popped my tire there once and had to stop to change it, and I saw the squirrel come out and try to eat my powerbar. I stopped there again the next day and he was there again.

Then I travel under the powerlines, always afraid a snake will come out and cross in front of me. I have no real reason for this fear, but it's there. When I drive up to route 109 there was always a random piece of metal on the side of the road that I would run over every single day I road this route. I could never remember to avoid it. Never. I am very surprised I did not pop my tire with this piece of metal.

As I was driving down route 109 I remembered all the days I had to climb up that hill, and how I started to become friends wtih that hill. I couldn't get mad at it. It's just a hill. And it was there, so I had to climb it to continue, even though the pain was absolutely fucking horrible. I started out by climbing it in the small ring, but by July I was powerhousing up this hill in the big ring, absolutely flying up the hill. And every time I approached the hill, it would say to me, "oh, hello again. I've missed your company." Yes, I've missed yours too. Because it was climbing up hills like that one where I realized that I can control myself. I can control my body. And when I am in pain, I can make my mind forget about it and keep going. I learned where to refocus my energy when I am angry or in pain. I learned that I could refocus my energy when I am angry or in pain. And when I was on these hills, I could unleash all of my anger onto my pedals. Every single particle of anger inside my body would come flying out of my feet and onto my pedals, and I would smash my way up the hill, driven only by anger. I would use the anger to hold my shoulders and upper body over the front of my bike, over my handle bars, and I would jump up out of the saddle on the last quarter of the climb, and I could not shake the anger out of my body fast enough. Then, on the descent, I was relaxed, calmed, controlled. I had taken the anger, used it, and left it behind. I could control it now.

I am trying now to recall which cyclist it was who said, "you cannot be a happy person and be a cyclist," because it is definitely true. (maybe it was David Millar who said that? I can't remember. I think I recently read it in an issue of ProCycling. Or maybe it was Dave Zabriskie, although he doesn't seem like a terribly unhappy person). You cannot get any pleasure out of climbing a big fucking hill like that if you have no anger. And I mean real anger. Not anger that comes from being upset with a teacher, or that you were stuck in traffic, or that you couldn't get a cup of coffee that morning (although that would make me pretty fucking angry). Real anger that seems to control itself at times, and to control you. I was happy to finally find a way to control it.

So I took this control that I taught myself on the bike, and I used it every single moment of the day. When I woke up, when I ate breakfast, when I showered, when I was at work, when I was eating dinner, when I slept. Although I will admit, controlling my anger at work was one of the most difficult tasks. I saw a tshirt online that summarizes my feelings on working with customers. The shirt said, "I'll start being nicer when you stop being an idiot." Enough said. But anyhow, I learned control and self discipline, something I had been wanting to learn for two years, because it was two years ago that I realized I had a problem with self discipline, at least to my standards anyway. I needed to learn it. But for some reason I couldn't. I think I was too distracted. I couldn't focus. Or maybe I just didn't know how to go about it. I didn't have the tools to learn it maybe. And that's why I fucking love the bike. It was the tool that taught me control, and I plan on continuing to use that tool this year in Rhode Island, and for the rest of my life.

Moreover, I use this control now when I do yoga, and I do not think I can express my thankfullness for this well enough in a silly little online blog. The changes the bike made to my yoga practice are still incomprehensible to me sometimes. I have real control now. When I practiced yoga 2-3 years ago, I had control to a certain extent, but I was only wavering on the edge of it. It was like standing on my toes and trying to look over a wall. I could only see over a tiny, tiny bit. But now I'm on the other side, bitches.

Harry Potter

I finished the 7th and final Harry Potter book last night. At the beginning of August I had only read books 1,2, 3 and half of book 4, so at the beginning of August I started re-reading the books from the beginning (well I read a summary of the 1st :-P ), and read them up through book 7. I am seriously impressed with JK Rowling. The last book was very impressive, and I won't spoil it for anyone who might read it, but I was very happy with the ending. Someday I will introduce my children to those books and I hope they have as much fun as I have had with them.

I move in to my room tomorrow in RI. I will take some pictures.

Sometimes I want to do really creative updates in here on a daily basis, but will anyone read them? Or does that even matter?

I'd like to talk to you about a few things

My nose is so itchy this morning. My allergies are killing me. I'm drinking my coffee right now and listening to Damien Rice, and I am thinking about one of the books I have to read for one of my classes. Dubliners by James Joyce. I read it before in a British novel class (even though James Joyce is Irish). Anyhow, I was thinking as I am listening to Damien Rice: wow, Joyce would be so happy to see the things Dublin (or Ireland) has produced artistically since he's written Dubliners. Even Dublniners itself is a part of that. It's amazing isn't it? How cities can go through cultural waves.



When I went to aunt's on Monday with my grandmother when I was in Rhode Island trying to find a second job/buying textbooks, my grandmother told me all about her Catholic school experiene. I can't believe how different her experience was compared to my Catholic school experience. I know people have heard the same old stories of nuns hitting the kids, but it was a lot more than just that. My grandmother (my Nana from Hyde Park) went to Most Precious Blood school in downtown Hyde Park. She weighed about 30 pounds as a 1st and 2nd grader. And she said the nuns who ran the school were the most evil, unhappy people she has ever met, to this day. Unhappy is the better word. They were all Irish-Catholics, and in the 1940s when my grandmother was going to school, the Irish and Italian Catholic families had this notion that they wanted one Priest and one nun per family (immediate). So my grandmother concluded that most of these nuns were probably forced into the convent by their fathers. I'd be fairly unhappy all my life too if I was forced into the convent, and forced to give up any chance of a normal life, of a husband, children, being able to read what I wanted to read, when I wanted to read it, of being able to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. So the only place these nuns had to take out their anger and unhappiness was on the poor children they were forced to teach as a part of their service to the church.

So everyday my grandmother would be terrified to go to school. Absolutely terrified. So scared that even if she were violently ill, she would plea with her mother to let her go to school, because she would be afraid that if she missed a day, the nuns would bring her to the front of the classroom and hit her in front of everyone when she returned to school. If she or one of the students dropped a pencil onto the floor, the nun would come over to the desk and whack their hand. On one occasion a nun brought a student to the front of the classroom, pulled her pants down and smacked her in front of the entire class for something completely trivial and silly. On another occasion in the school yard, a nun randomly walked up to my grandmother and slapped her as hard as she could right across her face. She found out that this was because the nun heard someone talking, and she assumed it was my grandmother, so she walked up to her and smacked her.

My grandmother only spent two years there before she was removed and sent to a public school. When she went there she said it was such a relief that she loved school with a passion. She wanted to go every single day because it was so much better than being in the hell that was that Catholic school. It's sad, really, because parents would know what was going on at that school, and no one would say anything, because speaking out about a nun or a priest or a Catholic institution would be the equivalent of speaking out against God. It would be like renouncing Jesus in your life.

So how did the Catholics school change so drastically from then until now? I had one of the best times of my life at St. Anne's when I was growing up, the same age as my grandmother. And I would send my children to Catholic schools for elementary school assuming I had the money, because that's where I learned all my grammar, and I am 99.9999% sure that Catholic schooling is what formed me into an English major, and I love it. So what caused the drastic change?

When I was at Providence College, it was the exact opposite of what my grandmother explained to me. Instead, the nuns and priests were the most amazing people on the campus. They were the most knowledable, and they were the kindest, sweetest, most soft spoken, and most open minded people on the campus. I could talk to them about anything, and they were always willing to accept questions like, "Why Catholicism?" It was the lay people who were out of their freakin' minds there, and that's part of why I left. Take a more specific look at Dr. Esolen, an English professor there. But then look at Sister Straub, my anthropology teacher. She was wonederful. Perhaps now the nuns and priests that go into the convent aren't forced to anymore by their families, so they are just happier people? I dunno.





Well, I suppose I should go. I have about 250 pages left of the final Harry Potter book, and I really, really want to finish it. It's such a good book. I've heard that Rowling does not want to write another Harry Potter book, but I hope that one day she writes just one more. And I want it to be when my children are 11 or 12 years old, the same age I was when I read the first Harry Potter book (in 6th grade. Unbelievable). I was in Hyde Park when that first book came out. Unbelievable. I think my grandmother introduced me to Harry Potter, actually. I want to introduce my kids to Harry Potter some day when a new one comes out.

Books

Hi. I updated my journal layout a bit. I hope you like it, because I like it.

I bought my textbooks yesterday while I was finding another job, and I have 'bout 30 novels to read this semester, plus 3 anthologies for my Medieval Literature class. I don't have to read every page in all of the anthologies I would imagine. That would be a lot of reading. But still! It's a lot. But I chose to be an English major, so I cannot complain. Plus the novels DO look really amazingly good. I am a bit excited about it, I cannot lie to you. There's my inner nerd coming out. I think my Russian literature class (which is actually a comparative literature studies class) will be my favorite class, but we'll have to see how it works out. I'm excited.

Summer survey, cuz I haven't done one in a while, and I was gonna read, but I got distracted

END OF THE SUMMER SURVEY

Random Questions About Your Summer:

1. How did your summer start off?

It started off in a liberating state. The miserable part had left, and I felt liberated, and I took that feeling and ran with it, perhaps even a little too far as I unfortunately had to find out. It started off pretty darn well considering what I had to do.

2. How many times have you gone to the beach?

A few. Not as many as I would have liked.

3. Did you go camping?

Yes, in Maine (Dover Foxcroft). It was a lot of fun, and I got a lot of reading done. I like being in the woods.

4. Did something or someone make you cry?

Yes. Someone and somethings.

5. Was there any drama of any sort?

Yes, drama with someone who I thought was a friend. But as it turns out, he isn't.

6.Did you get tan?

A little bit.

7. Did you lose people that meant a lot to you?

No.

8. Did you drink or smoke?

I drank a little, and I smoked that time before my Latin final, but summer hadn't "officially" started by then.

9. Did you do something you weren't supposed to do?

Probably, although I can't think of anything specific.

10. Was this summer better than last summer?

In some ways it was better, in some ways it wasn't better. Last summer was a pretty fun summer, but this summer was a much more constructive summer for me personally.




Now We're Getting To The Juicy Stuff:

1. How many people have you kissed this summer?

None.

2. Did you hook up with someone and never talked to them again?

No.

3. Did you make drunk phone calls?

No.

4. Did you ever sneak out to see a someone?

Last summer, yes, but this summer, no. But it wasn't a "special someone." It was just a person.

5. Did you kiss someone of the same sex?

No.

7. Did you have to get over someone?

Yes.

8. Did you believe something someone told you even though you knew it wasn't true?

That's an odd question. If I knew something wasn't true, why would I believe it if someone told me that it was true? Strange question. So I guess the answer is no.

9. Did you fall in love?

Yes. With cycling and Harry Potter.

10. Did you meet someone that put you in amazement?

Is "put you in amazement" a real phrase? Anyways, yes, someone who amazed me in a bad way.



Final Questions:

1. Do you wish the summer didn't end?

No, I want to get on with the school year. There are a lot of things I want to continue accomplishing. School work, personal things, acheivements in the gym, different things with my yoga practice, etc.

2. Did anything memorable happen? If so, what?

Yes. I found myself again.

3. What was the worst point of the summer?

Stress about paying for school.

4. Did you go out a lot?

Not really. I specifically didn't want to this summer, because I had other things I needed/wanted to accomplish, and I did accomplish those things, so it's a very good pay off.

5. Are there some things you wish you could take back?

No.

6. What's the weirdest thing that has happened this summer?

Being attacked by an owl at 11:00 at night in Maine while we were camping. We were sitting around the fire, all still and quiet (me, my mom, my sister Ally), and all of a sudden, from the trees, a big, huge gray owl swooped down from the trees towards my head from behind me, came within 6-12 inches from my face, so I jumped up and screamed "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?" and it flew away back up into the trees. It's wingspan was about 8ft, no joke. It was absolutely enormous, and made the loudest noise. It was amazing. I have no idea why it decided to attack my face.

8. Who during the summer made you appreciate life?

I made myself appreciate life this summer.

9. Were you one of those people that told people you should hang out this summer?

If I think I am reading this question correctly, then yes, I was one of the people WHO (not that) told people that we should hang out this summer.

10. Summarize the summer in 3 words:

I found myself.

Wow. I used to write so much. So, so much. What happened?

Books and college drinking, and hangovers, and I am getting a little too old for this shit

I went to my Grandmother's (my nana's in Hyde Park) today with Allyson for some sunday dinner. It was, however, a little less pleasant than I wanted it to be because I was rather ill. It felt like I had a second heartbeat in my head, and I was throwing up until about 2 in the afternoon. Around 2 I took a snooze in my grandmother's room, and then I woke up around 3 feeling much, much better, so then I was thankfully able to eat her awesome, awesome food. But yea, I was foolish. I drank at my neighbor's last night with my parents, and I only had three beers and a vodka and tonic (that had about 1-2 shots worth of vodka in it) and I got SMASHED. Totally smashed. And not only did I get very drunk from such a small amount of alcohol, but the hangover SUCKED. And alas, this was all because yesterday I didn't eat anything really, and I didn't drink anything but coffee, so when I went to my neighbor's I was totally dehydrated. So when I woke up this morning, it felt like my head was going to EXPLODE. And I was vomitting. Lots. Don't you love that though? Those college days, when you wake up in the morning with that second heartbeat in your head cuz you were out drinking the night before, and you drank way too much, so when you wake up not only do you have a massive headache, but your whole torso is telling you, "YOU NEED TO VOMIT. NOW." So you go into the bathroom, tumble down onto your knees, still drunk from the night before, by the way. Definitely still drunk. And you are already familiar with every spot, crack and word printed on the toilet because you've done this routine so many times before. You already have your stash of hair elastics ready so you don't get vomit in your hair, even though every time you put your hair back into a ponytail or bun when vomitting, you still manage to get vomit in your hair anyways, so you have to ask yourself what's the point. So you stare at the word on the toilet. My word is "Standard." Is that on every toilet? I've seen it on the toilets at Providence College too, because I am quite familiar with having to stare at those toilets in the morning. So you stare into the toilet bowl, your torso heaving upwards, and you vomit. And if you were dumb like I was last night, you didn't have much of anything in your stomach, so nothing is going to come up. It's just dry heaves or bile. Pleasant isn't it? Then you say every time you do this toilet routine, "ohhh I am never drinking AGAIN. EVER. How could I not have remembered this from last time I drank way too much? I never want to taste alcohol again." So then you manage to pull yourself up, you wash your mouth out, or if you are waaaaay too hungover, you just grab a bottle of water and go back to bed, but you are very hesitant to drink from that bottle even though it might help your headache (the dehydration) because you know that anything you put into your stomach is going to come right back up anyways, but then you think that if the headache went away, the nausea might feel a little better, but you can't drink or eat anything to help the headache go away because the nausea is forcing everything in your stomach to come OUT. It's a mean cycle. So you lie in bed in that one position that is most comfortable for your stomach so you won't have the urge to vomit again in 3 minutes. But you know you will vomit again in about 30 anyways. So you lie there, angry, jealous at the people you can hear outside running or walking easily without having to vomit every three steps, and you say, "why the fuck do I do this to myself? Do I have an alcohol problem?" But your head hurts too much to think, so you close your eyes, so you fall asleep, blanket resting on top of you, and forget about this potential "problem" until the next time youre lying on your back in bed, sick with the worst hangover of your entire life.

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Sometimes, though, when I am smart and drink enough water the day before I go out drinking, I don't get that evil hangover as described above. But very often that's my morning routine after a night of heavy drinking. Do I drink too much when I do decide to drink? I don't know. Probably. If I drink with dinner I won't drink too much, because I won't want to because I enjoy the food, but if I go out to a bar or to someone's house specifically to get drunk, I don't just get drunk. I get trashed. I don't even realize how or why. I think I just feel happy from the alcohol, so I keep getting another drink, and another, hoping that that happiness won't leave if I start drinking water instead of alcohol. But I know, however, that that isn't the case. I can be pleasantly drunk and be as happy as if I am trashed, and then I don't end up with the hangover in the morning. I know this, because last year when I was drinking with the exhange students this is what I did. Every shot of Aguardiente with Andres, and I would drink a glass of water. And I would still get smashed, but the next morning I wouldn't have a hangover because I was smart about it. So why do I insist that that happy drunk feeling will go away if I drink water? I don't know. I'm getting too old for this shit though :-P And I know that when I go back to PC to go out our beloved bars, I have to be smart about my drinking.

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In some other news, I have to go back to Rhode Island tomorrow to apply for a second job. I only have 10 hours a week at Bagelz (long story, but whatever). 6 of those hours are on a Saturday, so I kind of want to ditch that shift and get a job somewhere else for a semester while keeping this job at Bagelz, so I am going to apply at a local independent bookstore tomorrow, and apply at Kingston Pizza I think too since I have experience in that area. I will also buy my textbooks, which I am looking forward to! I love getting new textbooks.

ack

I'm kind of upset about something. I don't know. I kind of don't want to post about it here. Maybe I will at some point. Aaaack I don't know.

A missing bee

I got new clothes tonight. They're really cool. I like them.

I've noticed that it's amazing how if you don't workout for like only a week, how quickly you lose muscle mass and progress you've been making. It's crazy. I didn't workout for the week I was in Maine, and I lost stamina and muscle mass so fast. I didn't lose all the stamina and muscle mass I've gained over the summer, but it did set me back a bit. It's crazy, cuz then it takes a few more weeks to get it back. Aye dios mio.

There was a huge bee in my room today. The kind that stings. Yellow jacket I think. Anyways, it was fucking HUGE. HUGE! SO big. It was the biggest bee I have ever seen. It looked like it was dying, and it flew by me, and I freaked out, so I ran out of the room to get something to kill it, and I came back, and it was gone. GONE. I DONT KNOW WHERE IT WENT. So now I have to sleep in this room with a mysterious missing bee somewhere in here. A huge mysterious missing bee too. Not just a regular bee. A big fucking bee.

This entry was kind of pointless. I'm kind of craving chicken. I want some bluemoon beer with oranges and some grilled chicken right now.

Unless someone like you cares a whole lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.

I've been neglecting my journal lately, mostly because I haven't had the urge to write anything. And that was because in the past month I have tried to get back to writing my poetry, and it has been frustrating. Well, it's been beyond frustrating actually. A few days ago I got so angry that I took my notebook and threw it across my bedroom and I stormed out of the room. Up until this week I hadn't written anything at all significant (poetry-wise) since high school. Since my senior year in high school. I'm not sure why exactly, although I bet I could guess. My freshmen year at Providence College I did write a rough copy of a poem, but that was all that I had written in 2 whole years. And since I stopped writing, it felt like I would never get that impulse to write again, and I got frustrated. Because one cannot just sit down and write a poem whenever one feels like it. There has to be that poem fairy that comes and visits you and says, "now is the time to write, so get going and drop whatever it is you're doing." Well I was afraid that since I had stopped for two years, that poetry fairy decided to stop visiting me, because whenever I got an idea for a poem, I couldn't go any further than that idea. My brain just stopped at the idea. So I had a notebook full of ideas, but no poems. But this week I finally, finally FINALLY wrote a fucking poem wtih the ideas I've been collecting for the past couple of months. And I am going to post it on my myspace. There are two actually, but one is only halfway done because it's rather long. The first is called "Morning Kitchen Floor." The second one, which isn't done yet, is called "Throwing Clothes." You can read them at http://www.myspace.com/meschwitz I will be using myspace now as a place to post the poems I write.

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In other news, not much has been going on. I quit Papa Gino's, and I will be starting classes at URI on Sept 6. I am taking Foundations of Gay and Lesbian Literature (yea yea whatevs. It's good authors in the class), Medieval Literature, Introduction to Film, Women's Studies, and Masterpieces of Russian Literature. Yay.

Coffee and the Tour de France and some writing, and yoga

So I haven't updated in a bit. Oops! Anyways, I have been a bit busy. I worked a lot last week. So between working, working out, and the Tour de France, I've been busy!

So I guess I have a lot to cover today. First I will discuss what I like so far about the Tour de France, then I will discuss yoga. So there.

So this year's tour has been exciting because it's basically a total free for all. I mean, who would have expected Pollito to be in both Yellow and Polka Dots!? It's crazy. So this is what I love so far:

-Pollito (Rasmussen) is in both Yellow and Polka Dots
-Boonen is in Green, like I predicted
-I originally predicted/wanted to see Valverde in Yellow overall at the end, but now I want Alexander Vinokourov, because that man is a fighter. He went down hard on stage 5 with his teemmate Andreas Kloden, and has around 50 stitches in his knees, and he dropped down to about 20th place when he was the overall favorite to win the tour. He ended stage 9 I think it was in tears because he lost so much and dropped down to 20th place. BUT then on stage 10 or 11 (its all blurring into one, sorry), he was in the front of the Peloton with his team, and to catch the breakaway and to shed some riders who werent paying attention in the Peloton, he suddenly put the hammer down with this team, dropped Moreau, and caught the breakaway. THEN with 3km left, all of a sudden in the final spring, VINO goes and tries to attack! I couldn't believe it. He made a statement, and that statement was watch the fuck out, because even though I am in 20th and have 50 stitches in my legs, I still want to win, and I will win. That was definitely my favorite part, up until today.
-Now my new favorite: Alexander Vinokourov's fucking super time trial today. What the fuck Vino. You are the man. He ate up the road and blew away the field today. Fucking brilliant, Vino. I really hope you win it. You deserve it if you can get back the 8 minutes youve lost. Your performance today in the TT was brilliant. BRILLIANT.

Some other lesser parts of the tour that I am loving:
-The race for the green jersey
-Pollito
-37 year old Zabel making himself a rival for Tom Boonen's chase for Green
-Linus Gerdemann winning stage 7, and taking both the White and the Yellow jerseys. And Linus Gerdemann in general. How cute is he!?
-Linus Gerdemann's foam coming out of his mouth after his stage 7 win
-Pollito
-Cancellara's grip on the yellow jersey in the first week of the tour
-Moreau being dropped by the Peloton and team Astana. I really don't like Moreau
-Pollito
-Robbie McEwen's stage 1 win

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So now let's talk yoga. I used to do yoga almost daily, and I used to be pretty badass at it. I took a hatha yoga class for a year at Franklin Yoga, and I've read a few books on hatha yoga and the history and tradition of yoga, so I feel I am qualified to make my own personal opinion on yoga in general. And I am saying this because I know that someone who reads this will not like that I am going to be criticial of a workout DVD, because they are "professionals" and I am not :-P

Anyways so I decided to get back into my yoga routine, so I popped in the yoga DVD that comes with the P90X workout DVD series (http://www.beachbody.com/jump.jsp?itemType=GATEWAY&itemID=63). So I put it in the DVD player, laid down my yoga mat, and started doing the DVD. I must say, I was more than disappointed. They totally miss the point of yoga. It's not even yoga, really. It's super power yoga. They start off doing sun salutations, which I have done many, many, many times before, trust me. I have done them in the class I used to take, and I have done them on my own. So the first problem, they start you off by doing very advanced moves. Bad. 90% of the people buying P90x to get into shape havent done yoga before. So if you haven't done yoga before, you don't start someone off by doing half moon and crane poses. Its ridiculous. You have to build up. That would be like,if you never lifted before, going into the gym and trying to bench 250. Not gonna fucking happen. There is nothing wrong with being a beginner, and starting slow, and building up. If youve never done yoga, and you try to do half moon or crane, you will injure yourself, or get extremely discouraged. One should never, ever get discouraged in yoga. That defeats the purpose. Then, they had me doing pushups in the middle of the sun salutations. What!? No pushups during yoga. The whole thing just defeated the purpose the yoga. It stunk of always having to do more more more, which isnt what yoga is about. Yoga is about moderation, relaxation, perfection, and connections. You dont have to pump up your yoga workout wtih pushups in the middle of your sun salutation. And you dont start off beginners with advanced poses. It was just ridiculous. They missed the point of yoga, and it made me a bit upset and sad. It was a bunch of muscle heads trying to make yoga into an intense muscle head workout. ugh. And once they went into crane pose, I just started laughing. I did the Lolz and shut it off.

It's raining

I was supposed to tan today, but alas, it's pouring.

This is my favorite time of the year, though. For serious, I think I like this time of the year more than Christmas, because.....because.....it's time for the TOUR DE FRANCE. I love watching the Tour de France for three weeks in July. That sound of the helicopter watching the riders from up above, those skinny boys in those tight shorts and colorful shirts. Oh the Tour is so much fun to watch.


In other news, I've been working this summer to save up money for rent for the fall, but I did spend money on an mp3 player yesterday, and I am so so so excited. I decided to buy a Creative Zen mp3 player. I got the white one. It is here:


Isn't it pretty? I think it's way better than an ipod. Ipods are overrated. I had a good run with the one Jonathan gave me last year, but it has shat the bed, so I think I will try something other than an Ipod. Yay!

Long week!

Gah it has been a long week! I didn't get to work out as much as I wanted to this week, and my eating habits were less than fantastic, but it's ok. Monday and Tuesday were ok, Wednesday was bad, Thursday was kind of ok, today was kind of ok. Wednesday though was the 4th, and I drank. And drank. And drank. And drank some more at the cookout we had here. I was pretty smashed. But I haven't been drunk in a long time, so it's all good. I won't be drinking another drop of alcohol for a while though, because I am trying really hard to lose just 5 more pounds.

I also haven't been riding my bike as much as I wanted to this past week or so! I've been busy though. If I am not working an 11-9 shift or something, I have to do something for my parents during the day. Tomorrow morning though I am going out for a nice, long, slow ride. I am not going to worry about how fast I go. I just want to ride. Burn some good calories, get some good miles in.

I've been doing the P90X workout videos occasionally though when I can get a workout in, before work or whatever, and I am definitely noticing a difference. I am using those mostly for toning up my muscles in my arms and for working my abs. My abs need a lot of work, as do my abs. I am hoping to be able to burn fat by biking, and to tone up my muscles with the P90X videos. Ah well. We shall see how it happens. I am going to go really strict on my diet and exercise for 4 weeks and see how that goes. So in 4 weeks, I will be checking back in.

So other than that not much else has been going on. Just the same old crap. Work, reading, exercise. Yea it's boring, but it's part of my life.

OH! Tour de France starts....TOMORROW. That's right biatches! TOMORROW! WHEE! I want Valverde to win, but alas, I think Alexander Vinokourov is looking pretty good. He is a talented rider, however, and I would support him if he won. He seems like a decent boy, despite the Levi thing he pulled a few weeks ago.